Husband's family thinks wife hates them; she says, 'I'm an introvert.' AITA?
"AITA for refusing to join my husband when he visits his family?"
KaleidoscopeDismal85
(Throwaway because he's on Reddit sometimes.)
I (F32) and my husband (M35) got married a year ago and we have been really happy. I love our life and little family (we have two kitties) and he is my best friend. One thing that he knows about me, and has known since we met, is that I am an introvert and I prefer to be at home rather than go out. He has always been okay with that.
However, he STILL constantly asks me if I will go with him when he sees his family or when they have gatherings. I have met his family and they are nice people, but I don't really enjoy having to spend extended periods of time interacting with them. I work full-time and the weekends are my time to focus on myself and take care of my mental health.
His parents had a dinner last Sunday and he really wanted me to go with him. I reminded him that I don't enjoy those types of outings and that I need time to myself to recharge. He was annoyed at me at first but then seemed like he accepted my answer, so I spent the evening at home relaxing with my cats and a book.
When he got back, he seemed off and I asked him what was wrong. He told me that it really hurts him that I won't put in effort to seeing his family and they always ask him where I am and he has to make up excuses for me. I told him he doesn't have to lie and I have never asked him to.
I am not a social person and I have no problems with that. He still said that they constantly interrogate him and that it's exhausting for him because he doesn't want them to dislike me. I told him that if they dislike me because I'm an introvert then they're not the kind of people I want to be around anyway.
We argued for a while and he just kept repeating the same thing that it wouldn't be that hard for me to come once in a while and that he needs support too because going alone isn't fun. I reminded him again that he KNEW my personality before he married me.
He and his family are extroverts and it gives me anxiety being around all of them for too long. As he himself is an extrovert, I feel he doesn't even try to understand where I'm coming from or what my needs are.
He says that being married brings along more responsibilities with families and I disagree. My marriage is between me and him - NOT his family. We went to bed angry and he has been distant with me all week. He's making me feel like I am not being a good wife and it's really bothering me.
I will always be polite to his family and yes, I will go with him on holidays and things like that, but I absolutely need to protect my needs and happiness too. My weekends are the only time I get to be away from the world, my job requires that I talk to people all day. AITA for standing firm on my boundary?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
QuietEfficient9230
YTA. You need to make an effort to meet in the middle. I'm also an introvert, and while there are trips I sit out, I try to be present for 50% of them. You're married now, and if you want to stay that way, compromise is key. This is something that upsets your spouse and you don't even care...
Firemanmikewatt
YTA. I’m an introvert too. It’s not the same thing as antisocial, and it’s not a disease or a get out of being a jerk card. He’s asking for a couple hours every now and then and you still get the majority free time by yourself.
SnooJokes1399
YTA Introvert here, it's all about compromise. I skip out on a lot of events but we so talk about which ones are most important and what he wants support on. Not sure if his family understands introverts but they all know I'm shy and not a people person. If someone feels I've been alone in a corner too long they'll come chat one on one, or if I've not been part of the conversation they'll ask me about something.
But they also accept if I'm not up to talking. At the ends of longer events I'm clinging to his side, sometimes going non-verbal, and he takes over, either we'll leave early or he'll redirect people and explain I'm tired. Once we get home he assures me how much it meant to him and I take a nap. I will expend my mental energy for him and he'll expend his for me. It's a partnership and we look out for one another.
Toadetteinlove
Honestly YTA. It would be different if he expected you to go every Sunday for hours but every once in a while is a fair compromise - you say he doesn't try to see your perspective as an introvert but do you try to see his?
sheramom4
YTA. You sound like a very 'me, Me, ME!' person. It doesn't even occur to you to try to meet some of your husband's needs or that he even has needs. Your entire weekend is about you, every weekend. 48+hours every weekend to just focus on yourself.
His family doesn't dislike you, they haven't been given a chance to get to know you. It wouldn't surprise me if they also stop inviting you to holidays, weddings, larger events etc because you can't expect to be treated like a member of the family when you refuse to even attend one dinner or other outings per month or allow them to get to know you.
I wouldn't expect your marriage to last very long. He has been patient and has made every attempt to accommodate you by inviting you and accepting your no and you see him even inviting you as an annoyance and won't meet him half way.
MarketingManiac208
YTA. Just because you're an introvert doesn't mean you get to just sit out everything that's important to him because you don't feel like it. That's not being introverted, that's being narcissistic.
It'd be different if this was every day or even a few times each week, but it's not. It's maybe a couple of hours once each week or less. And you knew this was part of his life before you married him too, so that goes both ways.
I'm an introvert and have social anxiety to boot. But I make it a point to show up to hang out with my wife's big loud family and to be present while I'm there. Why? Because they're also my family since we're married. It's not always easy, but unlike you I also recognize it's not all about me. I go introvert and get my quiet recovery after they leave or I go home or whatever and it's fine.
Get over yourself and go be a part of your husband's life if you want him to remain your husband.
ETA: If your job is to talk to people all week and it negatively affects your marriage it's time to look for a new job that doesn't. You seem to believe that your husband is the only one who needs to make changes or accommodate you.
Marriage is not one sided. It's 100/100. If you don't both give 100% it's not going to go well. Also your attitude toward his family is off-putting and I see why he's p*ssed off at you for a multitude of reasons.