'AITA for making my ex wife and her kids live in 'poverty'?'
"AITA for making my ex wife and her kids live in 'poverty'?"
I (46M) recently finalized my divorce with my now ex wife Liza (41F). We were only married for 3 years and the cause for divorce was issues with finances. We had separate bank accounts for our own savings and checking accounts for where our salaries went.
I did create an extra account for her where I would deposit money in monthly just as fun spending money as I make significantly more and wanted her to have less stress with her finances. Even with this set up, she would consistently go over the limit and would even take lots of cash out of my wallet and personal safe without informing me.
When we were married, she and her two kids (18M and 16F) from her previous relationship moved into my house that I own and I paid for them to go to a private high school. Their dad is in their life so they never saw me as anything other than the guy who married their mom, but I understand that because they did meet me much later in their lives and not as little kids.
Regardless, I tried to keep a good relationship but neither of them ever wanted that and made me feel like an ATM. I got a really thorough prenup made before we married, so I basically kept everything I have except for some alimony I have to pay every month.
After the divorce, Liza and her kids moved out and I informed her that I have closed the bank account I made for sending her money and I’m going to stop paying for kids’ private school tuition after this school year is over. So that way at least they finish the year out and have a few months to figure out next plans and transferring.
It’s been about 3 months since then and I got a nasty call from her saying she can’t afford rent anymore so her and the kids have to move in with her mother and basically berated me for “taking away” the credit card attached to my bank account.
Apparently the kids have also had to stop some of their extracurricular sports because she can’t pay for the programs. She said I left her in “poverty” and she had to apply for government assistance and food stamps.
Also, when we were married, I had mentioned potentially paying for her kids college tuition when the time comes, but it was never a set thing. Apparently she still thought this offer was on the table and mapped out how her son just got accepted to his dream school and the cost of attendance will be 80k per year, so she wanted to know how I would be sending the funds for this.
I just told her she’s crazy if she thinks I’m giving up my hard earned money for someone else’s kids I have no ties to anymore and that I covered her bills completely for 3 years, so she should have saved her salary then instead of blowing through it on designer items.
A lot of her family/friends and her kids’ dad are all calling me saying I need to provide for the kids at least because I’m their “step dad” and that’s a life long commitment.
Also according to them it’s not fair that I’m taking away their opportunities to be at a fancy private school and college especially when I have the money to pay for all of it and keep up their lifestyle to how it was when they lived with me. So AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's post:
lazy_panda369
NTA. What kind of sane person would expect their ex husband to pay for her and her kids lives? Not to mention the fact that the kids are not yours. Tell them that their ATM is now closed and wish them the best with their life. Block their numbers and enjoy your money!
jimbob19304
I agree NTA. He’s been more than generous already and reasonable in allowing the kids to finish up the year.
DragonCelica
I thought that was a really gracious decision of OP. He has no responsibility to those kids, but he's not taking out the financial issues with his ex on them. I don't doubt the kids treated him like an ATM, especially given the example their mom set, but he's still empathetic to how jarring it can be to transfer mid-year.
Dear-Blackberry-2648
Right!? Being a step-dad is a lifelong commitment? I guarantee these kids want nothing to do with OP, only his money. It would be one thing if they were really close and the kids still wanted to spend time with OP after the divorce, but they don't.
So this bad take in step parents from the kids' dad is just because he's probably a broke ass too and is upset that the money train is leaving. It sounds like OP's ex had every chance to save her money but blew it on stupid things. And if she has a job and is receiving alimony, I don't see how she could be in poverty. I hope OP doesn't give a cent extra than he has to.
SkootchDown
Let me see if I understand this correctly: Her ex husband… as in, the father of the two kids in question… your former step kids … called you up and said YOU needed to pay for ~his~ kids to go to college?? That’s some big ass balls right there.
Mysterious_Pea_5008
NTA. I have no fear that you'll fall for this ex's post-breakup sob story, mainly because you took the trouble to get a prenup before you took her and her kids on. It seems you were aware that your money might be a motivation for your ex to entangle herself with you. Your precaution has paid off, so far.
Be prepared, however, to argue in court whether or not you are responsible to pay for her children's future education. Some courts hold that a person can rely on another's promise to pay, and act upon it, and that the promising party must pay.
If one of them chooses to pursue the court route, you must lay out documentation to prove that you have never intentionally taken on her children's financial care; only that of your wife; and convince the judge that you've never made any offers of future financial help for her children.