"AITA for helping out my daughter with one big caveat?"
HistorianOne3664
My 40f, daughter 21f, Kate, is pregnant by her 22m boyfriend Matt. Kate currently lives with me and Matt currently lives with his dad and stepmom. They want to get a apartment together but neither Kate or Matt are good with money, so they have zero savings.
Kate is currently not working, quit the day she found out she was pregnant, which was about 4 weeks ago. Matt works full time and both of them dropped out of school.
I've offered if they find a place in a reasonable price range, I will take care of the deposit, help get utilities turned on, pay half the rent each month, and continue paying Kate's car insurance and phone bill. I also told them once the baby is born, I'm more than happy to help out if the baby needs formula, diapers, wipes, clothes, etc. Kate and Matt were very happy about that until they heard my caveat.
My caveat is, I directly buy what they ask for. They can send me the links to what they want for the baby, but I am not going to be giving them any actual cash . Same applies with helping them with the deposit and rent. I'll write a check directly to the apartment complex.
I've seen how Kate and Matt handle money, like there's just more randomly laying around. They go out, spend all weekend, as Matt gets paid on Friday, then by Tuesday, Kate is usually asking me for gas money on behalf of Matt because he's broke, she doesn't work, and his parents aren't financially stable enough to help out.
Kate immediately objected to my conditions and said I'm being unfair to her and Matt, treating them like children and I should want to help out anyway they need or want me to. I told Kate from past observations that my choosing to not directly give them money is not something I'm willing to discuss or negotiate on right now.
If that's something they need, either Kate goes back to work since she's having an extremely easy pregnancy, or they go ask Matt's parents for money in hand and try their luck doing that. I'm not going to penalize my future grandchild and make them go without because my daughter and her bf have poor financial literacy. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
lostalldoubt86
NTA- Two adults who are not financially responsible got pregnant and expect YOU to support them financially in full? They are very lucky you want to do anything for them. Your deal is more than reasonable.
The OP responded here:
HistorianOne3664
Partial. Not full support. They'd be responsible for majority of their living costs.
theassholethrowawa
NTA: But honestly I think you're giving them too much. You're basically telling your daughter not to worry about work you'll cover her expenses in her household.
The OP responded again here:
HistorianOne3664
I'm covering half rent, and she's already on my car insurance and phone plan. Her and Matt are responsible for the other half of rent, utility bills, his car insurance and phone, health insurance, gas, groceries, and anything else they need or want. I will help out directly with the baby as it's not the baby's fault for the situation.
Ghitit
NTA. They're looking a gift horse in the mouth. It's a sweet deal for them and they should be down on their knees grateful for your generous offer. They are too immature to understand what you're offering. They're playing house like children, but they have adult responsibilities they are not living up to.
Quitting as soon as she finds out she's pregnant? That's just dumb. Spending your paycheck as if it's Monopoly money is not a great way to save for their future child. They're playing the game of life like it's the board game and not real life bills, diapers, and food. Please encourage her to nurse her baby. Way less expensive and than formula.
The OP again responded:
HistorianOne3664
I'm going to respect whatever my daughter chooses in regards to feeding her baby. Her baby, her body, her choice. As a mom, I'd not want anyone telling me how to use my body.
extinct_diplodocus
NTA. They're annoyed because you're giving them what they need rather than what they want.
Witty-Stock-4913
NTA. Though maybe there are other ways to help, too, like teaching your daughter to manage money. It's a skill we all have to learn at some point and that's where the long term help lies. But no, don't just give them cash. They'll be evicted in a month.
Again, the OP chimmed in:
HistorianOne3664
I've tried teaching Kate financial literacy. Absolutely no interest or willingness to learn. Its always, omg mooom, it doesn't matter, we'll just figure it out, it'll be fine.
lordyhelpme-now
Honestly why would she care? Mom always bails her out. Part of parenting is sometimes letting our children fail. Failure teaches more than our bailing them out. I agree with not giving money but would not pay half the rent. Basically that allows your daughter to not have to work. They’re about to bring a living dependent human being into the world. Let them stand and learn.
Ill-Description3096
"Kate immediately objected to my conditions and said I'm being unfair to her and Matt, treating them like children."
Well, they are acting like children. Why should you treat them differently?
You are going above and beyond to help, and instead of thanking you profusely and trying to get to a point where they don't have to rely on your help, she wants to complain that you won't just hand her stacks of cash to use on whatever random crap she wants to buy. NTA, and please stick to your guns on this.