'AITA because I don't want to take my stepson on vacation?' UPDATED
"AITA because I (38F) don't want to take my stepson (9) on vacation?"
My husband (39) and I have been married for 5 years. We have two children of our own, both girls, aged 5 and 2. I also have a son (10) from a previous marriage, but I was widowed.
My husband's ex is barely involved in stepson's life at all. They got divorced when stepson was 2, and his ex wanted 'a fresh start' so my husband did the decent selfless thing and had complete custody of their son, even though he'd wanted shared custody.
I got a bonus at work and I really want to go on vacation with just MY family JUST once. We've been on family vacations all together lots of times. But just once I want to spend MY money going on vacation where I'm not looking after someone else's kid.
I want stepson to stay with his mom while we go on vacation. My husband sees my point of view and is okay with it. I don't think I'm being at all unreasonable.
My mom found out what I was planning and says I'm being a complete AH. These are the reasons she says I could be the AH:
1. My mom says that if stepson's mom isn't properly involved in his life, I should be even more involved in his life to compensate (I think this is a completely unfair expectation).
2. She also says that I'm being a hypocrite taking my son, but I think that's totally different because my son DOESN'T HAVE ANOTHER PARENT. I'm all he's got.
If stepson's mom won't take him just for once then obviously he'll come on vacation with us. But I don't think I'm the AH to ask if I can have a vacation with my own family just one time. It's not like I hate stepson or something, he's a nice kid, he's just not mine. Am I the AH?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this initial post:
'just MY family JUST once.' Your husband's son is your family, and you better not ever let that kid hear you s.ay otherwise. Jesus christ.
'I'm not looking after someone else's kid.' Homie that ship f^%$#g sailed when you married a man with a child.
'I don't think I'm the AH to ask if I can have a vacation with my own family just one time.' Wanting a vacation with your family is fine. Deciding that your stepson doesn't count as family is fucked up beyond belief and definitely makes you an AH. YTA.
All of this and a bag of chips! SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK!!!
I couldn’t have said it any better myself! The AUDACITY of this woman is honestly astonishing! I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 2 and a half years and I literally could never even DREAM of trying to tell him that I didn’t want one of his 3 children to come with us on vacation.
His oldest (16m) isn’t even biologically HIS and he still takes him whenever he picks up his biological children from their mothers house. We would never, EVER exclude him from any family fun trip we were taking.
OP: You’re definitely a HUGE asshole in this situation and it’s weird that your own mother was the one to tell you this and NOT your husband. When you married your husband, his son became your step-son, just like your son became his step-son.
How would you feel if he wanted to exclude your son? You said yourself that your step-sons mother isn’t a very attentive mother and maybe that’s not the same thing as having a deceased parent but fuck lady! Have some goddamn empathy!
I am heartbroken for this child. He was already abandoned by his biological mother. Now, the mother figure in his life doesn't want him either. Doesn't consider him family. How awful for this poor boy.
I hope his dad realizes what he married and gets out of it so his son can be in a safe place where he is only surrounded by people that love him and want him.
Dad is obviously just as much as an AH. He only begrudgingly accepted full custody and is totally on board with her plans. What kind of parent marries someone that treats their child like garbage, and is ok with it? A garbage one.
She also has a son from previous marriage. I wonder how fine she'd be if her hubby didn't take her son on trips and use the same excuse she did.
The next day the OP returned with an update:
We definitely won't be going on vacation without stepson. After a couple hours of replies, I decided to show this to my husband. We sat down and had a really long talk about it. He told me he's never been comfortable with my attitude to stepson, but didn't know how to say to me before.
I don't want to be a bad person, I just never thought of stepchildren being 'yours'. I don't think it would be easy for anyone to accept this level of criticism, but all your replies have shown me I have a LOT of work to do.
As many of you suggested (and so did my husband) I intend to see a therapist to help me with that. As I said, I don't hate stepson in any way. have never been deliberately cruel to him, I've just always thought of him as my husband's child. But I realize my mindset needs to change.
So I'm going to start working on that. I want my family to be the best it can be, and I need to accept that it includes my stepson.
I understand that now, and I'm going to start seeing a therapist to become a better person (we've also talked about maybe having family therapy too). I've also made up with my mom, and she is 100% behind the changes I want to make in my life.
It wasn't easy to hear everything you said, but I understand that I needed to hear it.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this final update:
glad she didn't double down on stupid.
Yeah, I have SOOOO much respect for these kinds of OOPs. They accept (even if not at first) the judgement, talk with the people involved and try to be a better person and actually put in the efforts to be one.
I have hope for her. She seems like she has a desire to change and be better. I hope she follows through, for everyone's sake.
At 10 that kid has most likely already picked up that he is the outsider. And if her own kids haven't noticed it yet, they soon will. And teaching your kids that a family member can be an outsider, and not one of you, is a terrible thing to do. Especially since you have been in his life since age 4.
I hope she uses the opportunity to grow and be a better mom - to all of the children in her house.
The husband was trash, not standing up for his kid all these years. 'I don't see what point you're making.' The point is that YOU, Petunia Dursley, are the only mother the kid knows.
I find it SO bizarre that it apparently never occurred to her that this child might see her as a mother figure when his bio mom is essentially out of the picture. Just . . . how? How did she miss that? Hope they all find a way to heal together.
I honestly dislike OOP's husband more. He 'disliked' her attitude towards his own kid but dated and married her anyway. Never voiced his thoughts until she decided to do it herself.
I'm glad she's going to therapy, but damn, what if she hadn't taken up the change for herself? How long was her husband going to keep his mouth shut for his own comfort?