I (32f) have a sister (36f) and a brother (34m). The three of us were close as children. My sister and I were especially close from our early 20s on due to a traumatic incident that happened to her and I was the person she felt most comfortable relying on. I was there and I held her hand through it all. Then, when I had several miscarriages in a row, she was there for me and was a great support.
I was unable to carry my own children. Biologically, I could have a child. But my body could not retain a pregnancy. So, my husband and I had help to have our two children. I am their biological mother, but I did not carry them. My SIL did. I am truly, forever, grateful to her. During that period of my life, we were glad to have such amazing and supportive families.
Things came crashing to a halt more than a year ago when my sister made some awfully cruel remarks about how her children should be a priority to the family because hers came from her body. She said my DNA might have made my kids, but they would never really be mine.
She ended up in a feud with our brother because she told him that she should remind his son that my son is not really an additional boy in the family (my nephew was the only boy in our family until my son was born.) My brother was shocked by our sister's stance.
She really went in on me about how I should have embraced that I was never meant to be a mom and that I had defied mother nature. It was incredibly hurtful and my brother stood by me and my sister did not like that. Eventually we stopped communicating with her but we also no longer saw her kids.
My brother and I continued spending time together and our kids spent time together. My sister doesn't like that. She reached out separately and said we were cruel for excluding her children and how could we leave them out like that. I was so bothered by what she said that I called her up and told her if she wasn't so cruel her kids would be included more.
But that none of us want to deal with her and I want her nowhere near my children after what she said. She accused me of taking my issues with her out on her children. AITA?
NTA. How could she possibly say something like that? Giving birth does not make you a mother, nor does not giving birth make you less of a mother. I would hate to see what she thinks about adopted or foster children. Regardless of whether you gave birth to your children, they are yours. Period. Even if they weren't blood related to you, they would still be yours.
I don't know honestly because she never appeared to hold these views before. But they came spewing out of her like crazy.
"She reached out separately and said we were cruel for excluding her children and how could we leave them out like that."
Why does she want to spent time with your children? She does not find them worthy, made disgusting remarks and does not see them as part of the family.
"She accused me of taking my issues with her out on her children."
Yeah and your sister has been such an angel. She sounds unhinged.
NTA - And your sister is a hypocrite. She wanted your kid's to be excluded, but then got pissed off when the exact same thing happened to hers. Honestly, this was a real weird stance to take on this and to start a feud about. I mean I could get it more if they had no DNA from you (although even it's cruel to say what she did.)
However, they have your DNA.... Actually, had I been you and your bro I would have said your kid's should have priority because not only do they have your DNA, but they were carried by SIL who's also in the family. So that's 3 family members involved in their coming into the world, that trumps the amount of family members involved with hers. LOL
Is it possible that she has an undiagnosed mental health disorder and it’s finally surfacing? Or substance use disorder? Anything run in your family? I only ask because from your post it seems out of character for her and you and your brother were both shocked.
My sister developed a substance use disorder with alcohol and none of us knew. She just became horrifically mean and angry and it took us years to understand what was actually going on.
I don't know. Neither of us saw anything outside of this that was different or off. We have no history of mental illness in our family.
NTA. Rather than accusing you of cruelty for excluding her children and taking out your issues with her on them, she should have apologized for her awful, cruel statements, and asked if you could please include her children sometimes and she will drop them off without contact if you feel seeing her is too difficult.
She needed humility, repentance, and understanding. Her opening gambit was harsh, insulting, and aggressive. She has ruined her children's connections with their cousins, not you or your brother.