Daughter tells cheating dad he ignored her, let new wife bully her; 'Happy Birthday.' + Update
"WIBTA for not showing up to my fathers 40th birthday?"
Prestigious-Sell-816
My (19F) father (39M) is turning 40 next month. My mother (38F) and father have been divorced for 5 years. I hav 2 full blooded siblings. Janice (10F) and Phil (18M) along with a step brother Isaac (12M) and a half brother Henry (6M).
I may have the ages wrong for my step brother and half brother but that is because I have not seen them since I was 16. But that is besides the point. Needless to say the reasons for divorce were messy.
My father had an affair with my mothers friend Mora (38F) from high school and wanted to have an open relationship. My mother who is Christian said absolutely not and my father dropped the divorce on her.
My mother got 75% custody over us and moved out of the house that my father rented. She moved in with my grandmother who is a rockstar for taking in me and my siblings.
Due to my mothers medical condition she is unable to work or drive so, she had been a stay at home mom since I was born. My father was the one who was providing for our family financially. With his job as a member in the army.
My father married Mora about a year or two after the divorce. She had his child a year into dating and after he had introduced us to her. There was some drama with Mora and my mother. Just for example:
Her and her sister threw eggs at my grandmothers house (I know because I was there when it happened and watched her do this), she fought my mother outside the school parking lot for my conference (she lost by the way), and called my mother unfit and lazy despite knowing her medical history (I know this because she and I had followed each other on her Facebook).
My father never stood up for my mother in this time and stood by what his new wife was saying and doing. He spent less time with me and my siblings and more time with her child and my half brother.
I want to note that my two full blooded siblings Janice and Phil are on the spectrum and have autism. My half sibling and step brother do not. It is blatantly obvious that my father favors them because they are “normal” and “easier to deal with.” These are quotes from his mouth by the way.
He missed very important moments in my life. I want to be an actress and I had landed a gig at a theatre in my state that is fairly well known when I was 16. I invited everyone to come see me and everyone came except for my father.
His reasoning was because it was too far of a drive and that gas was expensive. My great grandfather who is well into his 80s made a point to come. He lives only 30 minutes from my father and has a similar financial situation to him and he made sure he could see me. So, I see my fathers excuse as complete nonsense.
There are other things my father has done to me and my family but if I were to list everything I would run out of room. So, should I show up to my fathers big 40th birthday when he has missed major milestones in my life and after everything he has done to me and my family?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
Flimsy-Opening
NTA...as a wise persone once said: f*** that party.
Only-Ingenuity7889
And "f that fing fer."
NTA. Advise him you haven't really seen any behavior in him worth celebrating.
MyrtleMaye
NTA why put the effort in for someone whoe hasn't for you? He sounds like a jerk and you'd be better off to cut ties if he treats you and your siblings badly.
The OP responded here:
Prestigious-Sell-816
I pretty much have cut off all ties with him. The only time I see him is when he comes to pick up my brother and sister. But even then it’s only for 10 minutes.
Njbelle-1029
NTA do what you need and want to do.
apothekryptic
NTA. Life's too short to do things you don't want to do, for people who don't deserve them.
Six months later, the OP returned with an update.
"WIBTA for not showing up to my father’s 40th birthday? [UPDATE]"
Prestigious-Sell-816
So, I’m (20F) sure everyone is wondering if I ended up going to my father’s 40th birthday party and no I did not. But, I did go to his place for Thanksgiving. Even after everything he did in my last post I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.
I wanted to try to have a relationship with him and be open minded. A full 7 days at his house trying to be open and talk and hang out with him and my step brother (13) and half brother (7) and step mother (39).
But I shouldn’t be surprised that I got nothing from them. All my step brother and half brother wanted to do was sit in their room playing video games all day. I love video games and offered to join them but they told me they were already playing, didn’t have enough controllers, etc.
They gave EVERY excuse in the book so I didn’t play with them. It was worse when my little sister(10) with autism wanted to play and my step mother told her it’s the boys room and to leave them alone. I talked with my step mother a few times about girl things and life.
Like, how my college life was going, what my favorite tv show was at the moment, and other things like that. But of course the topic somehow switched to the divorce and her complaining about my father’s payment for child support.
Then she started bad mouthing my grandmother (59) and mother (39). After that I was done with her. And I’m sure everyone is wondering how it went with my father. It didn’t. Not even a little bit of a conversation that carried on for a minute.
He came into my room once or twice and just said, “hey” or “how are you” and then went back to his room to be on his phone. And believe me I tried to make it last longer and actually talk to him but he refused to get off the damn phone and talk to his oldest daughter.
So, once I was back home after that horrible Thanksgiving I cried into my mother’s arms. I cried and cried the whole day that I got back. I wanted a relationship with my father.
I wanted to try despite everything he’s ever done to me and now I see that no matter what, that he doesn’t care about me. So, I am done caring about him. He doesn’t get anymore second chances and I am completely cutting him off from my life.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's latest update:
EnergyThat1518
You've done a very hard thing OP in accepting something a lot of people have to get therapy to accept: your father is not and will not be the father you actually need and deserve. It sucks to want approval, validation and care from someone who is simply uninterested.
DahDebil
You knew this already, but you gave it a last try. Good for you, cry it out if you need to. Go NC and just move on with your life.
tisthedamnseason1
God this post is rage-inducing. My chest got tight reading it.
peter095837
Man, this was sad and quite frustrating to read. I feel bad for OP. OP wants to be accepted and loved by her father but it's clear her father will never value her. But that's his loss cause he is just an ahole and the step mother seriously sucks.
OP did her best but now it's time to move away and go NC with her father for good. It's wonderful that OP has a good mother and grandmother to support her. I wish OP well for her future.
Susannah-Mio
First thought that came to my mind when she said he spent the entire time she was there on his phone was "oh, he's probably busy talking to his new mistress."
testuserteehee
Terrible families comes in all shapes and sizes. It's not only the abusive ones that are terrible, the ones where the parents are doing the bare minimum (or in this case, nothing at all) can really be just as heart breaking.
I'm glad OP's take away from this is that her mother is awesome and that she can do better. Some people get broken by this and decide to blame the good parent, or worse, become perpetrators of the same behavior to their own children. I'm glad she's stepping away from this cycle of neglect.