Here's the backstory: I (29F) was a reckless teenager. I got pregnant at 17 and was terrified. My parents were conservative, and my sister, Alice (then 27), convinced me to let her and her infertile husband adopt my baby to keep it within the family. She made me promise not to tell anyone the child was biologically mine and to always act as the "aunt."
However, things spiraled out of control. They moved away when my daughter, Emily, was just 2. I was allowed minimal contact. They changed her last name, and I found out they told Emily that her biological mom had died in a tragic accident. I confronted Alice, and she said it was for the "best" and cut contact completely.
Fast forward to last year: Emily (now 12) discovered the truth. She reached out to me, angry and confused. I tried explaining, but she's resentful towards both me and Alice. Now, Alice has severe kidney issues and needs a transplant. I'm the only match in the family. She has apologized for everything and begged me to reconsider, stating it's not just for her but so Emily doesn't lose a mother. I'm torn.
Alice's friends and our extended family have been bombarding me with messages, some understanding, some extremely hateful. Emily is conflicted and has expressed she doesn't want her mother to die but also feels a deep-seated anger.
My husband thinks I should donate to be the "bigger person," but my best friend says Alice made her bed and now has to lie in it. AITAH for considering not donating my kidney after everything that's happened?
Don’t forget - you saying yes doesn’t mean that you will be whipped into surgery tomorrow - there is an extended period of testing and counselling which needs to be undertaken before you would get anywhere near that stage.
To get the family and friends off your back, say you will consider it, and tell the medical teams that you are being guilt tripped by the family and you don’t want to do it, and they will tell the family that you aren’t suitable to be a donor for other reasons. You won’t be the first bullied and unwilling potential familial donor they will have seen and you won’t be the last.
And depending on your age, don’t forget that this is major (life changing) surgery with a lengthy recovery period - if you can’t work, who is going to cover your living expenses. If there is a history of kidney disease in the close family, what would happen if YOU developed it later on? It’s better to think of yourself first here, especially as your sister has been so awful to you for so long.
Yes do this. My understanding is you can get tested for a match, they check privately if you're being pressured, if you say yes they'll announce you 'aren't a match'. Double check that's how it works, but do it that way.
NTA. You gave your sister your daughter. She has no right to anything else.
NTA. You are under no obligation to help someone who betrayed you so deeply in this way. We aren't talking about helping someone without risk to yourself. Donating an organ while you are still a living human comes with a huge host of conditions for the rest of your life. I wouldn't do it in your position.
EDIT: I didn't articulate myself the best. Donating a kidney doesnt automatically mean you will end up with extra medical problems. But it does come with a host of increased risk for various other medical problems in addition to the normal risk of a major surgery.
NTA Do NOT donate your kidney to her!!! You may need it for yourself one day. She didn’t want you in your life before she got sick and did you wrong. She’ll probably cut context with you again and say it’s for the best after you donate it to her. Please don't donate the kidney.
NTA. Tell her she is right. So you won't donate, because you don't want your child to lose her mother!! The gall of that woman.