Son tells dad his new wife will NEVER be his mom; 'I don't even know you anymore.' UPDATED
"How do I(24m) get my dad(52m) to realize his wife(38) is not my mom and to quit pressing a relationship."
ThrowRA_22916
My mom passed when I was 14. I was always closer with her than my dad, so I took it very hard and still missed her every day. My dad moved on extremely quickly. I'm talking about 1.5 months later, and he was openly dating his current wife (I suspect he was cheating on my mom).
She moved in 4 months after my mom's death. Then, 9 months after her death, they announced their engagement on my birthday as one of my "gifts." I obviously didn't take it well. Made a scene, dumped the cake they got me and walked out. I disappeared for a few days until they were about to put out a missing persons/runaway report. I was forced to go back.
They tried to get rid of all evidence of my mom (pictures, personal effects, memories, and others). I kept what I could and hid some others. They wouldn't let me celebrate her birthday or anything to do with my mom.
They tried to force me to call her(dad's wife) mom. I never did. They would ignore me when I called her by her name. She would introduce herself as my mom. I would correct her every time. It got to the point that I stopped talking to her unless absolutely necessary or if I was correcting her. These talks were usually one word answers.
My dad got angry every time I didn't call her mom, use her first name, or introduce her as (dad's name)'s wife. I once spent 2 weeks not talking to either of them when I was 16 because I was ruining their family dynamic.
"Until I can be a part of the family, there was nothing to say or do as one." They caved at about the 15th day of no communication/interaction. I turned 18 and left for college and went extremely low contact and didn't go back.
When I was 21, I got engaged to my fiancée. She knows about my relationship with my dad and his wife. She respects it and is on my side. When they found out my dad and his wife had a fit. They didn't know I was seeing anyone.
My dad's wife posted on social media saying she was excited that her son (me) was getting married with a bunch of other things, saying she can't wait until she becomes a grandma. I made a short post saying I am not and never was her son, and she won't be a grandma to any future kids.
My dad got mad saying I was disrespecting my mother and embarrassed her. I asked who we were talking about because my only mother was (real/only/bio/gave me life mom), and at this point, I I lost both of my parents on that day when I was 14.
That was 3 years ago, and we went back to low/no contact. But my wife is about 8 months pregnant. They showed up to my house (I never gave them my address). They wanted to talk and meet my wife. I didn't let them in and said to turn around and go back to where they came from.
But apparently, they decided they wanted to move to my city/ state to be closer and repair the relationship between us. She said she missed her son and wanted to be a better mom and grand ma. I called them delusional and told them to leave and slammed the door. They bought a house about 5 min away from us.
This has all been way too much for me, and my therapist wants me to let them in, but I would rather cut all contact. It wouldn't be so bad if they just would stop trying to replace my mom and act like she never existed. I honestly don't know much about my dad's wife.
I don't even know if I know who my dad is anymore. My wife is struggling to support me (emotionally) and doesn't know how to help. Please, internet strangers, how do I convince them(dad and dad's wife) she is not and will never be my mom.
ETA: About my therapist. He said I should try to express my true feeling towards them in a non hostile and threatening manner. Do it in a way that is constructive but gets to the point. Learn more about my dad and his wife and get to the root of who they are and how they feel about the situation. But I'm going to find a better therapist.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
SWGoodToes
"I didn't let them in and said to turn around and go back to where they came from."
You have the right to set & enforce this boundary if this is what you want.
"my therapist wants me to let them in"
Why does your therapist want you to do this?
Playful_Site_2714
Change therapist. This one is not on your side. He is invalidating your feelings, validating THEIRS/ hers instead. Now what you could do is: Write down all your griefs! So they know and have to acknowledge where you come from.
"Dear father, (no, your second wife is not a mother to me), you replaced mom by a new person 1,5 month after her passing. I found that very painful and disrespectful towards my mother. You have since tried to destroy every evidence that she ever existed, which I find even more painful. And sick. And disrespectful beyond words!
You have tried to force me to call a random stranger 'mother'. Who is not my mother. As my real mother gave birth to me. Not that insensitive rude monster by your side. Nor is it right to FORCE your sick idea of her replacing my birth mother upon me! This is abuse and manipulation. I refuse to let you do this.
This is why I don't want to have anything to do with you. You refuse to let me mourn. If my mother didn't mean a thing to you.... that's your problem. I pity you for not knowing how to love and value people, then. To me she meant the world. I have lost my all, my world. Strop trashing my grieving.
Stop making everything in my life about you and that stranger you married. Stop invading my space. I loath that you dared do that to me and I don't want any further contact. And you are the only one to blame for this, as you are blatantly overstepping my boundaries without even a hint of empathy!
Respect at least this! I since moved on and am happy without you. I won't let you break my life again with your selfishness. You will NOT be allowed near my children or my wife. In case you again disrespect my wish and dare move to my town I will get a restraining order for me, my wife, my home and my children and have it renewed regularly!
Even your expressed will to move close to where you are UNWANTED expresses that you STILL have NOT LEARNED that MY life is about ME! Not about you. And that replacement woman you have gotten yourself."
Signature, date. And then watch them closely. Dare they show up again... get restraining orders. These are real abusive psychos, as it sounds. And they are bound to make your wife and children just as unhappy as they made you.
I think you might need to write them once. Do it in a way to have a proof of delivery. I would print it out, sign. And have sent to them with signed proof of delivery! Then store a copy and the signed receipt carefully. If they dare show movement of moving into your town: Use the copy and receipt for proof why these people are dangerous. They probably heared about 'grandparents rights.'
But- as far as I read- grandparents rights are only to be inforced by law if the grandparents actually DO have a connection with the children.
Nip that in the bud! Don't let those abusers come close to your family again. Grandparents may even try to obtain custody of their grandchildren against their parents, as far as I know.
So - I may be paranoid, but not really according to what they already have shown themselves capable of- but that sounds as if they were up to no good! Sick people. Ough. Another concern: You say this happened 3 years ago, when you were 14. So now you are 17.
ETA: OP is 24 now, so no fear to have they might get even intermediate custody for OP being under 18.
Still: you will need someone who is able and willing to enforce them to stay away from all of you while your wife is at the hospital, giving birth
No showing up at the ward upon birth. No sneaking glances on "our new grandbaby". Do really cover your backs! Get guards at the hospital send them away if they show up. And inform ALL stuff about the situation. Those creeps are actually stalking you, knew your address and that you are about to have a child!! And they are up to no good!
Two weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
"How do I(24m) get my dad(52m) to realize his wife(38) is not my mom and to quit pressing a relationship. UPDATE"
ThrowRA_22916
Hello all. Thanks for your comments and feedback. I did read them all. I couldn't reply for some reason. Also, for those who said I must be fake because of a lack of replying/ updates, the post got so much attention that it was locked in 24 hours. I do have a life with work and an 8 month pregnant queen that I have the privilege of calling my wife that took priority.
To answer some questions and to clarify. My wife, me, and our unborn child are doing good overall. My wife is over being pregnant at this point. Our child should be here in the coming weeks.
I did find a new therapist. I called to cancel the rest of my appointments on the books, and he did not take that well, so I have put in a complaint. I met with my new one and I like her a lot better. I feel like I'm actually being heard and actually getting the help I needed.
I want to make this clear I am 24. My dad's wife is 38. 14 years older than me. My dad is 52. 14 years older than his wife. So when she entered my life, I was 14, and she was 28.
There were also theories about how my dad might have had something to do with my mom's death. That is not the case. But I still believe they were together before she passed. I am investing in a security system, but it will be a few weeks until they can install it. But for now we have a doorbell cam and some cheaper cameras.
Social media. Since the post about her being excited about being a grandma, how my wife and I getting engaged, we have locked down all social media. My wife and I are not active on any platforms anymore except for messaging or sharing pictures.
We found the leak as well. It is my BIL (wife's sisters husband). We had a family dinner where we had planned on working on the birthing plan. BIL was insistent on being there, which was odd as he was not a part of it to begin with.
While we were waiting for my MIL to get home. I shared what happened between my dad and how it made me/my wife feel. BIL got visibility uncomfortable. When we I called him out on it he denied it but it was obvious. SIL called him out, and he broke down.
He said he had been talking with them because we "need all the family support we can get" and "they should know their grand baby." This caused an argument. It ended with SIL moving out and staying with us (they have no kids and had some issues. I think it is over for them. I will never trust him.)
Our birthing plan has been locked down and secure (made a day later without BIL). But we have some "just in case of crazy showing up plans." Everyone who needs to know the plan/details know.
Now. It is surprising hard to get a protection order. Where I live, it is heavily dependent on violence or physical contact. Technically, what they have done is not against the law yet.
They are perceived as no real danger at this time since there were no threats made, and they left when asked to. They have free will to move wherever they want. Also, since a "family member" gave another "family member," my address it is fair game.
In regards to grandparents' rights, It is only when my wife and I have lost custody or are unable to care for them. But my MIL and FIL will be taking on that roll if needed.
My wife and I are not in a position to move. We just bought our house when interest rates were low, and my in-laws helped with the down payment. It is nothing massive, but it is home and perfect for our starter family. My dad and his wife are unable (shouldn't) have kids. I don't know from what side made in impossible. So that may be why the constant pressure.
I did write my dad a letter summing up why I want no contact. How I feel about what they did. How his wife is not my mom and will never be. IF I feel like giving them a chance, it is on my/my family's terms. Specified that my family is me, my wife, and any possible children moving forward. They are nit to talk to my wife or i at any time unless it is through our lawyer.
He can decide what information to pass on. They are not welcome around us at any point. Including our house, school, daycare, social gatherings, birthdays, Christmas, BBQs, etc. As well as in public we are strangers. Keep space and act like we don't exist. If they break this, they will get a follow-up letter, up to and including a protection order.
The letter was quite long. Our law lawyer looked it over, and my wife and I signed it. Then he signed it as well as it being notarized, and then we made legal copies for all of our records. My lawyer went with a private delivery service and hand delivered it to him with a signature of received goods. Plus, video evidence as well. So far, so good on that end.
I'm now focused on my wife and soon to be child. I hope I'm ready. I know how not to be a father, so there is that. Thanks all for your input. Is there anything else I should do or think of to protect my family?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's first update:
Consistent_Ad5709
It sounds like you covered all angles.
MaryAnne0601
Just let the Labor and Delivery nurses as well as your wife’s doctor that your father and his wife are not to be near any of you. Give their names, descriptions and pictures if you have them. It’s just to be on the safe side so you and your wife don’t have to worry. I’m glad your doing so well.
The OP responded here:
throwRA_22916
That is part of our plan, thanks!
whiskeybusinesses808
Reddit is a great place to think of all whacko possibilities and it sounds like you did a great job covering your bases. Now you enjoy your growing family and give your wife flowers and a foot rub just because. Be prepared for the sleepless nights and the overwhelming feeling of being miserably tired and yet completely happy at the same time.
Five months later, the OP returned with another update.
"Hello, it has been a while. Some people wanted updates."
ThrowRA_22916
Decided my profile would be best to post. Not sure if any one will see it but...
In the weeks leading up to my wife giving birth, things were stressful. I ended up having my first panic attack. That was not fun. My wife helped me through that one.
BIL tried to apologize and get back with my SIL. But F'ed that up by trying to explain himself again on how he was in the right by reconnecting my parents and my family. After that, their divorce has been moving quickly.
My wife giving birth was an amazing experience (for me). The moment I held my child for the first time amazed me. How can I love something so tiny, and who I just met so much so quickly. Both baby and my wife are doing really well. My wife started saying she feels like a cow. I'm not sure how to make her stop. But she keeps randomly moooing at me.
My dad and his wife tried to show up at the hospital. Still not sure how they found us or knew where we were. But staff blocked them and covered for us. Like a bunch if you said we would start running into them randomly around town. Mainly grocery/ shopping stores.
Even if I drove out of my way. We would sometimes bump into one or both of them. Law enforcement still says they are not doing anything against the law and don't seem dangerous/malicious. We did our best to ignore them or stay home or have a family member get the items.
My therapist has sure earned her paycheck the last few months. My lawyer is trying their best, but the laws I feel are against us. "Innocent until proven guilty." Or in this case,"Nothing is dangerous until after it is." Or "hurry up and wait until something bad happens, then we might do something." It is super frustrating.
We moved! Now, I never want to do that again. Good family helps. But with a newborn and crazy people around, it was stressful. I know it doesn't sound possible, and I'm still in disbelief, but my in-laws are amazing and got us in contact with a friend of theirs.
Long story short, these friends wanted to down size since all of their kids moved out. Told in-laws and brought them over. We ended up coming up with a really good deal. Our new home is bigger on more land but needs a lot of work (still baby friendly).
It is old and outdated, but we have been making it ours. (We are not rich by any stretch of the imagination. We have a good network around us. I'm also doing 99% of the work to the house myself. SIL moved in and helped us make it possible.) Since moving, we had not seen my dad or his wife. That was until about 2 weeks ago.
I was going to update and did write all of the above then. Since my lawyer contacted me saying my dad reached out and wanted to talk. I tried to say hard pass, but they advised me by saying, "I think it would be in your best interest." We set up a date and time in public.
3 days later, at a coffee shop, we met up. Even though we were early, they were waiting for us. It was just my wife and I (also a paralegal from my lawyer's office undercover). I could see the disappointment in their eyes that our child did not come with us.
It started awkward AF. They started some bs small talk, but I just said, "What do you want?" Well. My dad's health is not well and is going downhill steadily. May have 2 ish years at most. They showed scans, doctors' notes, tests, and other items to prove it.
I was quiet the entire time they talked, and all I could think about is "that sucks for him." It was like getting news that someone you knew of when you were a child died or is sick(like a neighbor or an old babysitter). For me, no real emotion or feelings because I feel like I didn't have a real connection with them. My wife knew I was irritated and tried to silently calm me down.
When they were done, I said something to the effect of "I'm sorry this happened to you. I hope you get better." Then, I got up to walk out. His wife opened her mouth and said something like, "That's it? That all you have to say? YOU OWE IT TO HIM TO..."
I didn't let her finish and went off on them. I said everything that I had been saying in my head for years. A practiced monologue I started when I was a teen. Highlights include but are not limited to:
How he OWED me more than anything. How he ruined any type of relationship. When he tried to erase my real and only mom. Neglect, abuse, over punishment, the works. Then, I finished with my real mother, died when I was 14. Pretend I did as well because that is when he (my "dad") became dead to me.
Now, looking back, I find it in a way funny that my 5 foot 4 wife was "holding back" a 6 foot 3 200+ guy. But they kinda looked like fish opening and closing their mouth. My wife then "escorted" me away.
When we got the car, I had my second panic attack. But since things have been quiet but still fresh. I'm struggling but working through it. When my wife notices me zoning, she just hands me our child, and things get better. Sorry for the long read if you are still here. I hope you all have a wonderful day, and may your life be blessed.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's latest update:
Acrylicyew3
Wow. I'm in awe of what you accomplished OP. I hope that your "father" understands what he has done to you and keeps his distance. He likely won't but still, what you did was amazing. You are going to make an amazing father to your child. Please focus on your baby and the positivity that your child brings to your life. You made it :)
Peppermint_Rain
I know this might be dark, but I hope after meeting with them and blowing up at their entitlement, you won’t have to deal with them nothing you much more. Thank goodness you and your family were able to move and stay out of reach of your dad and his wife’s “chance encounters.” It seems like you’ll be able to focus on enjoying life with your beautiful family, free from drama from now on. Best wishes!
meepmarpalarp
"My therapist wants me to let them in" NO!!! "I’m going to find a better therapist" Oh thank god.
biglipsmagoo
FINALLY a OP who’s making smart decisions.
mbch
That's a noteworthy fact. Nobody owes someone reconciliation or pardon. You cannot use someone's death as a reason to make them forgive you. I wish OP and his new family many wonderful and safe years together.
peter095837
I remember the original BORU. Man, the father and wife are awful and delusional beings. Throwing away all the photos and evidence of OP's mother is just genuinely f'ed up. But at the end, I am glad OP stayed strong and he is lucky to have his wife cause she is awesome! No one deserves to deal with a father like that. Hope the dad understands all the pain he has caused and OP remains distance from him for good.