Teen son begs to skip mother's funeral; 'it won't bring her back.' + Update
"AITA for refusing to go to my moms funeral?"
throwaway9216890
My (14M) mom died just over a week ago and her funeral is in 3 days. I don't want to go to the funeral I don't see the point. All it is going to do is confirm that shes not coming back.
This is probably gonna make me sound insane but if I go then that means she is dead and definitely never coming back but if I don't go then she might not be dead and she might still come back. So I just think it's way better if I don't go.
Plus if I go I might start being sad and not doing anything like my dad is so by not going it's actually way better for my mental health because at the moment I feel fine like obviously I miss her but I'm okay about it.
I told my dad 2 days ago that I'm not going and he got really annoyed. He said that I'd regret it in the future and I should just say bye to her. I told him it was a really easy decision to make and that just made him way more angrier.
He told a few family members and they've all been trying to convince me to go to the funeral and some of them are saying I don't care about my mom because I haven't reacted about her not being here at all. It doesn't mean I don't care though, I just don't really feel anything. Am I the ahole?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
LowAdvisor9274
NTA. Hi! I’m a therapist so I here are my clinical thoughts. You’re right, by not going to the funeral, you can delay the devastating sadness. But it’s just a delay, and that delay could be a day, a week, or a month, but trust that it’s going to hit you. The grieving and sadness are non-negotiable.
Funerals are meant to be a chance to say goodbye, to grieve with other people who loved your mom, and to provide a space to unapologetically feel (or not feel) everything. The funeral is for you, to start moving through the emotions that come with this. I’m so sorry for your loss. You don’t have to go, but if your reason is to pretend and ignore, that won’t last very long.
Serenity-V
Sweetheart, my neighbor - who was basically a grandparent to me - died when I was 14. I didn't go to his funeral, never saw his dead body, never said goodbye. 30 years later, I still startle and expect to see him when I smell pipe smoke, and I feel new pain each and every time he doesn't appear.
My mom died when I was 15, and I saw her body at the hospital. My dad made sure I saw it. I went to the funeral, I went to the viewing. It was agony. But sounds, smells, sights which remind me of her make me happy. They never give me pain.
I'm so, so sorry your mom died. So sorry. But staying away from the funeral won't bring her back, and missing the chance to see that she has died, missing the chance to say a real farewell, will hurt you a lot and for the rest of your life.
And no matter what, you will start being sad soon. You will grieve. Sweetheart, you're already grieving. Trying to short-circuit that is actually really bad for your mental health. You're not fine, you're numb.
That will go away eventually and you will hurt so much more if you never say goodbye, if you try to prevent yourself from really understanding that she's gone and from grieving her loss.
Maybe if you can't bring yourself to sit through the funeral, your dad could arrange a short private viewing of your mom's remains for you. Go, get it over with, and hold on to your father when you stop feeling numb.
I understand why you want to hold on to the numbness, but frankly you're in shock right now, and shock does not last forever. It doesn't even last for very long. Don't alienate your family over this; tell them what you've told us.
Explain why you don't want to go to the funeral. Ask them to hold you while you grieve, even if that's something your family doesn't usually do. My thoughts are with you; I grieve with you. Yes, that's a Spock quote, but I've never found a better way to say it.
The OP responded here:
throwaway9216890
okay thank you so much I don't really know what I'm gonna do but the replies helped me out a lot thank you. I'm sorry for your losses.
MonitorAmbitious7868
Oh sweetheart, you’re NTA. No one is. But please go. You don’t even know how it might help you. You are going to meet and receive love from people who knew every version of your mom, including the ones you didn’t get to meet. At the end of the day, you will know your mother more fully. And you will gain parts of her that you didn’t have before.
This is how we keep them with us - by knowing them. Remembering them. Speaking their name. Meeting with those who loved them, too. You have to be unfairly strong, because it’s your future self who will thank you. And your future self is your mother’s child: care for you with the same foresight as your mother would if she were here.
Eleven days later, the OP returned with an update.
"UPDATE - AITA for refusing to go to my moms funeral"
throwaway9216890
So, I did go to my mom's funeral. It was about a week ago now. I probably wouldn't have gone without some of the advice I received on my og post so thank you :) I sat through the whole funeral but I left the wake early because it was just a bit much. I'm glad I went in the end. My dad said that he's really proud of me for going and he apologised for getting annoyed at me.
Like the day after the funeral I started feeling really horrible which was weird because I hadn't really felt anything until that but a few people in the comments said I would feel like that so I guess that's normal. I think that's it there's not really much more to update, thank you to everyone who commented on my post :]
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:
CampfiresInConifers
I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. It's a tough time all the way around. But I'm glad you feel you made the right decision in the end. Feelings will definitely hit you when you don't expect them to, some strong & some less so. It's important to let yourself feel sad or angry or happy.
Unexpected feelings are your mind's way of working through stuff. My mom passed 10 years ago & I still every so often get teary or sad, usually when I see something that meant something to her. It's ok. Hugs ???
The OP responded here:
throwaway9216890
thank you ❤️
stacity
Thank goodness for that therapist for responding to OPs dilemma. Better a professional than a bunch of teenagers.
jbyington
Some emotions are just too big for rational thought. Experience makes them more manageable, but I sincerely hope that most don’t get used to such loss. I’m glad he went.
averbisaword
My brother didn’t go to our dad’s funeral. He actually left the country rather than going. Dad was well known and there were 300+ people. We were both in our 30s. I don’t think he regrets it, I don’t think it was disrespectful and I don’t have a problem with it. People should be allowed, actually encouraged, to deal with their grief in the way that is helpful to them.