My (F35) boyfriend Francis (M43) and I are on shaky ground right now because I walked out on our date in front of my SIL. Part of it is that he’s in the habit of inviting people on our dates without even asking me first. Because of this, I briefly asked for a break last summer. I’ve told him many times that I don’t feel heard and that this makes me feel like my needs don’t matter.
For background, we are both very close to our families. I’m very understanding about his love for them. What I don’t like is that many times, his idea of making them happy is in conflict with my wellbeing.
For example, we could plan a pizza and a movie outing, and he gets a call from his brother, and he tells them exactly where we are going to be so that BIL (30M) can show up. Or having my other BIL (m36) pop in while we were having a very romantic date at my favorite sushi restaurant.
It’s not that I’m against seeing his family, but sometimes I feel misled. His brother’s almost always end up not paying so he foots their bill. But then I have to cover for him. His sister (f41) is an entirely different story. She’s always sour and angry looking and very petty.
She is very quick to do FB lives to instigate conflict, even with her own family. Her theme nowadays is her ex, who broke up with her after she verbally assaulted him, demanded that he return to her house or else and said cryptic insults about his family on social media. So, he met someone later on and got married and she has a chip on her shoulder. I intentionally stay away from her and he knows it.
I don’t have many hobbies. And I’m not really into going out because I’m an introvert most of the time. I’ve tried to talk to him about how his constant disruptions of our plans really upsets me and causes emotional distress. I’m happy going to the movies by myself but he doesn’t understand that I’m choosing to share my experience with him.
Because of my job (very mentally demanding), I love spending my free time doing goofy stuff (like the arcade or the local fairs.) I LOVE having the opportunity to watch people’s talents.
So, we went to the local state fair. I was having a blast, until all of a sudden, he said “my sister can’t find us”. WTF??!! So, my SIL showed up with her three kids, angry faced as ever and hardly returned my greeting.
Not only this, but he announced that I needed to buy him his food because he was short on money. I didn’t mind, so I got him a burger. Then he says his sister’s kids are hungry but she’s short on cash. I’m starting to get p!ssed because, how is this possible? Who brings their kids to a place full of food and toys knowing that they won’t buy anything?
I ended up buying the kids (M5, F12 and F8) two slices of pizza each and a soda, because at the end of the day, it’s not their fault that their mom acts that way. I had Francis hand his sister some pizza (because I was uncomfortable that she was the only person not eating.)
But her “thank you” sounded like an aggression (because she said “thank you, FRANCIS” with a cutting tone, knowing all too well that I had purchased it. I don’t like their relationship because it's like he gets things for her and his family, no matter what.
This situation made me angry. I love buying state fair trinkets, but I couldn’t do it in peace because the kids kept eyeing me. Francis came to show me some inflatable toys but honestly, I was aggravated because it sounded like he was trying to coerce me in to purchasing stuff for his nieces and nephew.
So, I tried to separate from the group. I bought 3 pieces of cotton candy (my main reason to attend fairs) that I ate immediately. Then I bought another 4 “for the road” that I was just putting inside my backpack when my 12-year-old niece, Mandy, had a massive tantrum. She said she wanted cotton candy and started walking very fast towards me.
I was mortified. I started walking in the opposite direction trying to still be polite because I wasn’t trying to reject her or anything. This got really awkward, because it went from screaming from it to demanding. Francis didn’t say anything. He didn’t ask his niece to calm down.
Instead, he just said “oh, just give her the cotton candy, you are causing a situation.” I tried to clarify that I wasn’t waving anything in front of the kid. I wasn’t aware that she was watching me. He said it was just cotton candy and that I should just let her have it. I quickly closed my backpack and let him know that his sister would be driving him back to his place, because I was leaving.
I did leave. This ruined my whole afternoon. He called me out for being selfish and for leaving him to ride with his sister. I’m very confused about this. It’s not like I let the kids go hungry at the fair.
A part of me is mad that they are focusing on that one thing I didn’t agree to give up. I’m very okay financially, I could have bought the kid some cotton candy but it wouldn’t have felt genuine because 1) I put it away to avoid having the kids see it as I had no intention of buying more 2) I felt like I was put on the spot.
I was NEVER told that my SIL was showing up, despite asking him REPEATEDLY not to bring anyone because it was a “me” outing and to tell me the truth in case he invited someone. He has been texting me so much about this. To the point that I already suggested we break up for good, which seems to have really offended him. AITA???????
NTA. But your boyfriend is a piece of shit and his family sucks. Why are you with this jerk?
He’s offended you mentioned breaking up because you’re taking away his ATM. Now he HAS to foot the bill for any outings he does. Boyfriend is a pos and an huge AH. NTA.
This. I bet if you stopped paying for him and his family, he’d be gone in a month. But do yourself a favor and dump him now. NTA.
PREACH. This guy is a giant leech. If the money dries up he’ll be gone. Best to hit the road now rather than hearing him b*tch over you refusing to pay for his fun times.
Chiming in with my ‘ditch the sad fVVcker’ 2 cents. Like, he keeps inviting people along without sufficient funds is on him. And I don’t care how offended he feels that you rightfully want to break up - I’m offended that he thinks he still has any claim to your time.
Your BF treats you like an ATM for his family. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you can move on a find a guy who isn’t a deadbeat. NTA.
When you send the break up text please include a bill for all the meals for XBF and family you financed. We just had a state fair 2 orders of chicken stripe, fries and drinks was $58. You paid for your food, and others pizza and drinks. The cotton candy was a no. What would have happened if you had told him no you weren’t financing his family’s meals at the fair?
The outcome would have been the same, bf would have left with his sister but you would have more money in your pocket. There is no winning in this situation, you’ve spoken to bf and he sees you as ATM for himself and his family. Find someone who you deserve. Sorry you had a rough time.
Thanks a million to everyone who took their time to reply. I've done my best to read ALL of your replies as it has been cathartic to see that there are good people out there who are concerned about fairness in relationships.
I broke up with him after I confronted him about stealing goods from my upcoming birthday celebration to pass on to his family and he got angry because I called him a cleptomaniac. My reaction wasn't great, and I'll be posting it.
I'm not sorry that I took my stuff back, I'm just embarrassed that I allowed this to happen and because things got embarrassing (it caused a scene) and ugly, so I'll post it later. Someone here on Reddit made a comment that had me really triggered.
They said I would have to prepare myself for any spare bedroom in my house to become a permanent accommodation for his family, to always having it occupied by one or all of them, at to get ready for "something" happening every month, like someone needing money for gas or bills. It triggered because it know its true!
When I was trying to find a place, he constantly criticized the lack of space to "entertain" more people. I don't know how to help everyone read my next post but I'm very thankful.