SIL claims woman's home nursery after miscarriage; says, 'you aren't using it.' CONCLUDED
"AITA for yelling at my pregnant sister n law and telling my husband to choose me or her."
Positive-You-385
See, I know the title sounds wrong, but please hear me out. I'm currently typing this all up while my husband's entire family is sitting downstairs.
So, I 29 F, have been married to my husband for 8 years. About 2 months ago I had my third miscarriage (31 weeks), I won't be talking about it because it makes me feel so depressed, but you'll need to remember this.
About 4 months ago, my sister-in-law (20) came crying at our doorstep telling us she's pregnant and her boyfriend didn't want anything to do with the pregnancy and that she had nowhere to go. My husband and I openly took her in, welcomed her into our home with open arms.
For the first few weeks, it was really hard for her (understandably.) I sat with her for hours, holding her when she cried, binging our favorite tv shows, eating so much ice cream we quite literally fell into a coma. It was really bonding for us (so I thought.) Here's where is starts going downhill.
I take pride in my neat, clean home. My sister-in-law on the other hand did not. She would leave her clothes all around the house, leave her dirty dishes wherever, even went as far and leaving her s3x toys on our living room table. I tried to talk to her directly before I talked to my husband, she immediately started crying and told me she would try to be cleaner.
I hugged her, told her it was okay, but this is a clear boundary for me. She told me it wouldn't happen again. But it only got worse. She told me I was expected to do her laundry, dishes, and clean her room daily because she's the pregnant one.
While I do understand how hard it is being pregnant, I just couldn't stand feeling like a maid in my own home (disclaimer, I bought this house, not my husband. it was all me.) Not to mention my recent loss of my child.
So, I told my husband, but what he told me shocked me. His exact words were "Hunny, she's going through a lot right now, we really should be helping her out. Plus, it might make you feel better, to take care of someone who's pregnant."
I was p**sed to say the least. Make me feel better?? Shes going through a lot? We need to help her? Letting her stay with us wasn't enough??? While I don't want to invalidate her pain, my husband and I were also going through our own problems. Anyway we moved on, I did my best to maintain work and the household chores.
My husband works 7am - 7pm so he isn't around to help much. I work full time from home, so it's been super stressful. When I even try to ask for help from my sister-in-law, she always makes an excuse. Even if she's just watching tv.
The one thing that pushed me over the edge was I went out to buy my one food that I have actually enjoyed eating after my miscarriage. I wrote my name on it and directly asked my sister-in-law to not eat it. Well, I went to go to my fridge to get it, and you'll never guess. She freaking ate it.
Now you may think "It's just food." I buy all the groceries, basically pay all the bills. I don't mind people having some of my food, but the one thing I ask to not be touched, gets touched.
I told my husband and of course he rubbed it in my face that she's pregnant, I need to be less selfish, and life is about sacrifices. I was so upset I told him i felt like the two of them were the "nightmare" roommate's people talk about on reddit. He didn't take that well lol.
Which leads us to my title. My sister-in-law planned a random baby shower party thing, at my house. I personally didn't know If I could even be home when this was happening. I felt so hurt that she wouldn't talk to me knowing everything that has happened and that she would just invite random strangers into another person's home before asking.
My husband urged me to go, told me it would permanently affect mine and her relationship. So, I told him I'd go. About halfway through the party my husband and S.I.L announced that they wanted to show the nursery to everyone.
I was confused, nursery? She was staying that long? What room did she turn into a nursery? They told everyone to head up stairs; that's when it hit me. They were talking about MY nursery, for MY baby I had JUST lost.
A wave of emotions hit me when I saw everyone in my baby's nursery telling her what a good job they did setting it up. MY set up. For my baby, that my body failed to give me. I just lost it. I started sobbing, then that sadness turned into pure rage.
I started yelling at my sister-in-law, telling her she is the foulest human for putting me through everything she has for the last few months. Making me feel like I was a maid, or an object for her convenience. Through choked up tears I turned to my husband whose jaw was on the floor.
I turned my head to see his entire family just staring at me. I lost it again. Yelling, I looked at my sister-in-law telling her; How dare she use my nursery, for my baby, how dare she think she has the right. What she told me, made me fall to my knees sobbing. "It's not my fault you couldn't produce a child, why let this go to waste, you're so selfish."
My husband tried to pick me up off the floor, but I yelled again, standing to my knees, which were now shaking, I told him. Pick. A dumbfound look on his face. I yelled again; Pick, me or her. He couldn't even muster up anything to say.
I just looked at him, pure betrayal, I pushed past the crowd of family and ran straight up here to type this out. Even if no one sees this, at least it's helped me let these emotions out. Now's the point where I ask, am I the a**hole?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
jade1312x
NTA - I'm so sorry for what you've been through. It's maybe time to reconsider your marriage. Your husband disrespected you and didn't take in consideration your feelings in YOUR home.
Tell your SIL to take her belongings and get out of the house immediately. It's unacceptable behavior. You deserve respect. And you're not a maid. You're a person. With feelings. With traumas. You need to heal. And for that, you need her out and maybe your husband for a moment, the time to think about what you want for your future.
You must be broken, and it's so understandable, please seek for help. and therapy. I wish you the best for the future 🫶🏻
Primary-Criticism929
You need to take a deep breath and have a drink. Then, if there's anymore people in the house, kick them out, and that includes your husband and SIL. Threaten to call the cops if you have to. Lock the door. Call your mother or a friend, anybody who you know is going to support you.
Call a locksmith or have the person coming get some new locks for your door. Start packing your SIL's shit and your husband's. Put everything outside and then call him to let him know he can pick up their stuff outside. Then find yourself a divorce attorney.
Honey, beyond the fact that your husband seem to not give a shit about you, you do realize that he has been using you as well right ? You bought the house, you pay the bills, you shop, you clean, you cook, you do laundry... What the hell does he do?
Crazybutnotlazy1983
NTA, first call a locksmith and lock up the nursery before she and your soon to be ex steal the items. As your SIL has been there for a while you will need to go through the courts to evict her. Stop doing her laundry. Tell her any of her junk left lying around will go in the trash and do it. Stop grocery shopping and cooking. Get just what you need for yourself. Most of all get a lawyer and kick hubby to the curb.
Street_Math3177
So it’s time to kick both of them out and file for separation. He made his choice by not speaking up, defending you, or protecting you. This entire time, you’ve communicated with him how you were being mistreated in your own house and he disregarded you, disrespected you, and expected you to just do it.
He didn’t even ask you about your thoughts on the nursery. You need to pick yourself and let both these a**holes go immediately. While you’re in the room, start throwing his sh*t in a bag and tell him he needs to leave immediately and take this little b of a sister with him. Once they leave, call up an emergency locksmith and change all your locks. And call up every divorce lawyer in the city.
AntSpiritual3269
Do you think they’re going to ask for her to stay and co parent? ETA NTA - Ask her to leave asap, she obviously has other family they can have her. If your husband doesn’t like it he can go too, if he stays you need couples counseling as he doesn’t seem to consider you a priority and that needs to change.
emptynest_nana
I feel like husband and sister are not done yet. Something tells me that there another thing coming, even bigger than the nursery. I feel like they are going to try to make OP leave. There is some beyond wrong about this.
Later in the day, the OP provided another update:
"Update"
Positive-You-385
Here's the update everyone's been asking for, buckled up its a long one.
After posting my story on reddit, I sat on my bed, wiping my tears and telling myself I will not take this disrespect. I walked downstairs shutting my nursery door on the way, I was greeted with everyone comforting my sister-in-law. I kindly asked everyone besides my sister-in-law and husband to respectfully get the f*ck out of my house.
After all the dirty looks and shaming, it was just my husband, sister-in-law and myself. They sat themselves on the couch, not saying anything. I sat with them. The silence felt like forever, none of us had anything to say, I knew I'd have to start the conversation.
I looked at my husband and said, did you decide? He looked at me just staring. I asked again in a firm tone this time. He ended up mumbling some sort of insult and I couldn't really make out what he said. Something with b*tchy.
I stood up and told them both to get out, THEN they wanted to talk. Telling me this is all a misunderstanding, their sorry, blah blah blah. I grabbed a backpack from my shoe closet and told them to pack their sh*t. My sister-in-law told me I couldn't just make her leave, and I was a horrible person.
I laughed in her face and told her this is my house, and I can do whatever I wanted. My husband stood next to me and told her it was only for a little while. I turned to him and said, oh you too, get out. He got all mad and told me we were a married couple and that this isn't how marriage works. I told him, no it is not, marriage is where two people support each other, and not treat their wife like sh*t.
They both ended up leaving after many insults towards me. Oh, but wait, It's not over. This morning, as I was getting ready for a Zoom meeting with a few other coworkers, my husband showed up. I let him in telling him to get whatever he needed and to go because I had to work.
He started apologizing and telling me he wants to make it right. I told him i just need time away from him. Then he threw in my face "well it's not my fault you lost our children, maybe this would've never happened. My sister was right, you are selfish."
I have never ever made my husband feel like he cannot grieve with me over this, never made him feel less than because of his pain. I turned around and slapped him in the face. I never condone violence, and I'm very upset I would ever do that to another human, but I just couldn't deal with this.
He took a step back and then threw all of my makeup on the floor (which I get) but then he started breaking all of my decor in my bathroom. I yelled at him to stop and that I was sorry, but he just kept going. Even going as far as punching a hole in my bathroom wall. It was like I was seeing all of his bottled-up emotions from our children's death come out.
But he went too far when he tried to grab me, yelling in my face, I kicked him off and told him to get the f*ck out. He walked out of the bathroom, and I watched him break a few more items as he left.
The second he left I had a panic attack, looking at the mess he made, to even just seeing how much he hid his pain. I called my mother and told her everything that has been happening. (I don't talk to my family much due to some past trauma with them.)
She told me she was on her way. The second she got here; I just broke down and she held me. Then she stood up and started taking pictures of everything he broke. I asked her what she was doing, and she turned to me and said we're suing this POS. I honestly didn't even argue, I was so hurt by everything my husband did to me. My mom packed up my computer and I grabbed a few outfits.
My mom and I drove to a hotel, and she insisted on staying with me. While I finished up work my mom called a locksmith and my attorney. I will be divorcing him as well. So, there it is, here's the update everyone has been waiting for. I feel guilty for just giving up on my husband and 8 years of our marriage, but it's time for a divorce.
I can't live like this, and neither can my husband. I wish I could say we moved on, forgave each other and I got to see my sister-in-law have her baby. But that's not reality. If anything, else happens I will let you all know. Thank you, guys, for the support and help with this situation.