I (45m) have a daughter "Mel" (20f) and younger sister "Kate" (27f). 15 years ago I have lost the woman I loved, my wife and the mother of my daughter "Lily". The doctors haven't diagnosed her until it was too late.
Over the last few months of her existence she was in too much pain and medication wasn't helping, so she decided to go different route when I was picking our daughter up from her grandparents.
I'm not going to lie but it took me a lot of therapy to cone to turns with what happened and it also affected our daughter a lot. My sister Kate was holding a party last week due to her engagement.
Me and Mel were invited to it too. Kate got a little bit too drunk and started badmouthing my late wife, saying she wasn't strong enough, should have carried on and hoped for the cure so we could expand the family but instead chose to whine and be weak instead. She also called Lily a poor example of women.
I could see Mel crying over it, lost my cool and started shouting at her for what she said. I have told she was only a young teen when Lily passed away and couldn't possibly know what our family went through since she was never in this situation herself.
I have also said she will never be even half of the women Lily was before leaving the party with Mel. We ended up going to the restaurant we used to go with Lily when Mel was younger and spend a lot of time talking about her.
The next morning I ended up waking up to hundreds of messages from family members and friends of Kate calling me and ahole for ruining the engagement and making Kate cry and also said I should grow up and move on. I don't think I did anything wrong here, but want an unbiased opinion.
edit: This was asked in several comments, so i thought i will add it here. Kate never liked Lily and always believed Lily was stealing attention from her, even during our wedding day Kate threw a tantrum because she wasn't getting enough attention.
When Mel was born this also spread on her too and became significantly worse to the point we were not comfortable leaving Mel with my parents. Kate has been in therapy in her early 20s.
I'm not sure what exaxtly was said but after she would remeber Lily as enemy and have mentioned to family friends and members that my wife was toxic to her and was trying to steal all the attention from her, even they barely communicated.
JFC, doesn’t a newly engaged woman have anything better to talk about at her wretched engagement party than the untimely death of your beloved wife…years ago? How does this even come up?
And obviously she has never been in a, (literally and figuratively), painful and desperate position your wife was in or she would have a little damned empathy. NTA And I wouldn’t go to her wedding or send a gift unless she grovels and apologizes to you and your daughter. I am so sorry for your loss.
As the youngest child Kate always demanded attention and was surrounded by attention, so after me and Lily got married she started taking it personally from our wedding day onwards and threw tantrums. I think it could come from that time as she always saw Lily and Mel as intruders that stole her brother away.
NTA. She ruined her own engagement party by (1) getting drunk and (2) spouting off those awful things about your wife and (3) doing it in front of you and your daughter. Kate had choices. She chose wrong on each of these three items. You need to tell people that. And never EVER accept 'she was drunk' as an excuse.
NTA. Send out a mass text to these relatives and tell them the next person to badmouth your wife will be cut off permanently. THEN FOLLOW THROUGH. My mother mocked my grandmother for YEARS and constantly told me I was crazy just like her. The damage is irreparable. You're protecting your daughter and you are doing GREAT.
Nta. Mass text. The fact you are worried about my sister crying and things being ruined instead of the fact her cruelty and absolute entitlement to say hurtful word to the CHILD of the person gone is insane.
You have just shown me that my child and I will not ever have anything to do with any of you again. Tell me to move on. There is no moving on when someone thinks they can be a bully and harm the child because they have people like you thinking it's ok.
That you think I can give on from loving my life. That I should not protect the person I loved. That I should not protect my child from people who are so-called family and should be showing support to her instead are backing someone willing to abuse my child.
The fact you care nothing of how her words hurt me or my child shows you are not worth having in our lives. You are bitter and abusive bullies, and I am glad we won't have to deal with you again.
To your sister, I am going to NC with you. I didn't ruin crap. So family has a right to tell us to move on because you cried, but you think it's ok to harm MY CHILD by your actions and speaks volumes. I hope you have a happy life and never have to face what we did.
But we will no longer be involved with people who think it's ok to be abusive and cruel to the people left behind of a deceased loved one. Hopefully, you change who you are before you find yourself alone because your cruelty runs away those who should be protected from you.
Then you block them all and live your life. That isn't family and isn't acceptable in any instance. I am sorry for you both that you lost her and hope for long, happy lives for you both.