'I'm pregnant and my sister is convinced her husband is the father.' UPDATED
"I'm pregnant and my sister is convinced her husband is the father."
throwrasisternanny
I [26f] knew my sister's husband [29m] before she [29f] did. The husband, "Max", and I worked together 8 years ago, and I thought he and my sister "Mary" would hit it off, so I introduced them. They've been together 6 years, married 3 of those, and they have a little girl who is 2, "Maggie", my niece who I adore.
Over the course of the first lockdown I lost both my husband and my job. Max and Mary let me stay with them for 3 months, during which I took care of Maggie while Max and Mary were working. I then got a job, came into some money, and moved out. [EDIT = I had moved out by July 2020].
My new schedule has me busy Saturday-Monday so Mary asked me if I would keep helping out with Maggie on Tuesday-Friday. Max insisted on paying me. Mary has gone back to working in person, while Max is able to work from home, but a lot of it is meetings so he can't take care of Maggie despite being at home, so I'm still nannying for them.
Mary started acting weird when she went back to work. She commented a few times if I looked messy or flushed, and I'd be like "I've been chasing a toddler around all day lol" and she would just nod, but looking back now the implication is clear.
I cooked dinner a few times and the last time she snapped at me that she could cook for her family and I took the hint and never did that again. I also thought things with her and Max got tense, but it wasn't my marriage so I didn't want to butt in, though I did tell them both that as Mary's sister and Max's friend, if they needed to talk, I was here.
I'm pregnant. Mary has asked for a DNA test because she thinks that Max could be the father. I've agreed because Max and I are just friends, but if Mary is desperate enough to ask then I figure she needs this.
Max is upset but agrees with me that if she has to ask, the test is warranted. We've booked it but it hasn't been done yet, and in the meantime Mary has said that she wants Max out.
Max protested but she insisted, so now Max is staying with me, which is probably the worst route we could have taken, but Max had no other options (no family in the area, friends siding with Mary, asked to leave at short notice). Mary is now even more convinced.
We just want things back how they were. Max wants his wife, and I want my sister, but Mary is not listening to any reason. We're growing concerned about her. We don't think there are any mental health issues, or that Maggie is unsafe with Mary.
But Mary's sudden and certain conclusion that we've had an affair has come, from our perspective, completely out of left field, and she's kicked Max out and kept him from Maggie over it without having any proof. We're just worried about her, but we don't know how to address it without her accusing us of something. How do we get things back to normal?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
BottleUnderYourBed
Well since he’s not the father and she’s not going to believe you, it might be better to think about what actions to take after the paternity test comes back and she has to face the fact that she accused you and her husband (then kicked him out knowing he didn’t have anyone) of cheating and was wrong.
Fabulous_Title
I imagine she will think that Just because hes not the dad, doesn't mean they haven't been cheating together.
supermeg77
I get weird vibes from this post. It’s not that I think y’all are having an affair but the way you talk about him, it gives me the feeling there could have been some crossed boundaries. Max shouldn’t be staying with you though if you honestly both want things to get better. That’s a terrible idea.
deste_eloise
Honestly, when I read this, I thought your sister is having a mental health problem. HOWEVER, reading all of your comments, I kinda see where your sister is coming from. It sounds like you and Max are a unit and she’s just living in your world.
A little under a month later, the OP returned with an update:
throwrasisternanny
Just to clear up a few things on my first post so I don't have to repeat these again here: My ex husband is alive.
When I said "I lost my husband and my job" people thought he'd died. He cheated and I worked for him, so when we separated I lost my husband and my job. No one died.
Max and I have never slept together. The father of my child is a one night stand, which Mary knows and she said she was supportive of me tracking him down. I let Max stay with me because his family are in another country, his friends have turned on him, and his only other option was a shelter.
He could not afford a hotel because without Max and I there, Mary had to pay for professional childcare, among other things, so if Max got a hotel, Mary would not have been able to pay for everything she needed for herself and Maggie.
Shortly after my first post I told Max he had to go home. He didn't want to involve police before this but I told him that if nothing else doing this would get him access to Maggie, so he went to the station and someone escorted him inside.
Mary was at work, so the new nanny let them in. Mary threw a fit that night, but Max stayed put. Mary then came to my place, saying I need to let her stay here to make up for ruining her marriage. I told her that was BS but let her stay. She went home the next day and said Max would be sleeping in the office until the DNA results came in.
I called around a few clinics as our original appointment was booked for the 16th Nov and found somewhere that could do the test sooner, but it would cost a lot more and require some traveling.
I told Max, who booked it because he just wanted the test done ASAP. Had the test, got the results, and to the surprise of absolutely fucking no one, Max is not the father of my child. Mary said that this didn't prove we weren't sleeping together, just that Max didn't impregnate me.
At that point I gave up, and Max said he was moving out and starting a divorce, which she then said was further proof that he wanted to leave her to be with me so Max and I can play house and I can cook and clean and take care of the kids and be a better wife than she can, and that's when everything clicked.
We don't know if this is postpartum or what but it's clearly a mental health thing, linked to her going back to work and me helping them out at home and being friends with Max.
Max wants to make things work, and so does Mary, so hopefully counseling and therapy help. I am taking a step back because while I love Maggie and Max is still my best friend, I don't want to be around Mary right now.
She said some shit to me that I didn't appreciate and hasn't apologised, and I'm pregnant and stressed and don't really need that energy in my life, so I think that maybe some space is needed.
[EDIT: I will be using the original appointment on the 15th to test the guy I believe is the father] I know I asked last time about how we get things back to normal and I'd like to repeat that question here: How do we get things back to normal?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:
Outrageous-Bit-5603
You can’t until she gets professional help because SHE is the problem. She needs therapy and probably medication as well. I’d just go NC with both until she gets her mind right. She also owes you a massive apology. She’s taking her paranoia and craziness out on you and that’s not okay.
Destroyer2118
You are in this mess because every single person around Mary is a complete doormat. Your sister accuses you of getting pregnant by her husband, and you want to play nice? Doormat. Your sister kicks her husband out of the house and doesn’t let him see his kid, and he doesn’t fight it? That’s not even legal. Doormat.
Your sister demands a prenatal paternity test - an inherently risky procedure (assuming non-NIPP) for your unborn child, and you agree just to appease her? Good to know your sister’s BS matters more than your child. Doormat.
Your sister says the test results don’t prove anything, and you “just gave up”? Doormat. Your sister shows up at your house, blames you for ruining her marriage, demands to stay at your place and you let her? Doormat.
Someone needs to put their god damn foot down for once in your sister’s life and not let her bully every single situation. Grow a spine and treat your sister like the brat she is.
Empizen
You don't go back to normal. This is one of those point of no return situations. Mary will not believe you and will be a constant sore. The sooner you realize that for now... You dint have a sister, the better for your mental health it's gonna be. Remember, you can not light yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Also stop letting your sister trample all over you. Go NC for now and don't allow her go talk to you in that way. Also why did you let her stay with you. Grow a backbone for yourself and have some self worth! You don't live your life for other people. Only for your own.