'AITA for being mad that my rich sister won't pay my dad's nursing home bills?'
"AITA for being mad that my rich sister won't pay my dad's nursing home bills, effectively screwing over me and my brother?"
To make this post make sense: My state has a filial responsibility law. Kids are responsible for paying for the nursing home of the parents if they can't themselves.
It doesn't matter if the kids signed anything or not or whether or not they want to do it. The law says nursing homes can bill the kids for their parents whether the kids agree or not. It doesn't matter if the parent has anything like Medicare or a pension or whatever.
These laws (at least in my state) have been challenged in court multiple times and are always held up. This is what I'm facing now. My dad has needed to be placed in a nursing home. The nursing home has hit me, my brother and my sister with the bills and the bills are a lot and it's not a one time payment. It is ongoing for the rest of dad's life.
My sister and dad are estranged. When my sister was 15 my parents found our she was gay and kicked her out onto the streets. I was 10 and my brother was 11. That happened 25 years ago.
Now 13 years ago me and my brother got back into contact with my sister. We haven't seen each other but we had a phone call, and now we email and text each other. Me and my brother don't have anything against gay people.
We don't agree with what my parents did but we were only 10 and 11 and no one asked us. If my sister had not been kicked out I would probably be close with her like I am with my brother. She's more like a distant cousin now.
I do love my sister. So does my brother. We all tried to get back what things were like when we were kids. My brother and I told her we don't hate gay people and don't agree with our parents putting her on the street.
When the nursing home bills came in my sister used a loophole in the law about dad kicking her out as a minor to get out of them. The law doesn't apply in cases like that. This means she if off the hook for the bills. But me and my brother are not.
We tried getting out of the bills, hiring lawyers and trying to go to court. It didn't work. There's nothing else we can do. We are stuck with the bills but my sister isn't. We tried to move dad to another state but we could not. It only matters what state my dad lives in, not what one me and my brother live in.
If my sister was a regular person like us I wouldn't complain but she isn't. She's a gastroenterological psychologist. Her salary by itself is more then 3 times the combined salary of my and my brother.
The bills for the nursing home are a third of mine and my brother's monthly take home each. My sister could pay the entire bill and still make $200k or more a year. She lives in a way lower cost of living state then me and my brother.
My sister doesn't even dispute this. She admitted she could pay the full amount every year without it hurting her financially. She actually said it would be a drop in the bucket to her. Those are her own words.
But she won't do it because she hates dad. I'm not saying she shouldn't because I would too if it happened to me. But this means me and my brother get screwed over.
I get that if it was just her and dad it would be different. But dad isn't dying or anything and my brother and I could get doomed to pay a third of our salary until we are both in a nursing home too.
I don't expect her to do it for dad but she's screwing over me and my brother and she doesn't even care. She just argues when we try to reason with her and gets mad back at us. My sister is turning 40 this year. I'll be 35 and my brother will be 36. Dad is 62. If it makes any difference.
Edit: I had lawyers. I tried to fight this. I took the nursing home and my dad to court separately and lost both times.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Your sister is correct. Your father did not support his minor child when he was legally responsible to. Everything she has done in her life has been in spite of your father not because of him. She owes him NOTHING.
That being said, you're not wrong to be upset, but you should be directing that anger to your dad, not your sister who he disowned.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, but she's blameless here.
How is she blameless, dads gonna be in the home whether she helps out or not, she’d be helping her brothers out not her dad, yeah she doesn’t have to but willingly choosing to allow your siblings to struggle for something they had no control over when she can cover the full cost w/o making a dent in her income doesn’t make her innocent or a saint. She’s a A H for that but brother is NTA for his feelings.
They need a lawyer. The problem is the guy is in a private nursing home and not on Medicaid.
INFO- reading through the comments, I see that your father is flatly refusing to move in order to relieve you of this absurd burden? Why aren't you mad at him? His bigotry created the situation with your sister.
'When the nursing home bills came in my sister used a loophole in the law about dad kicking her out as a minor to get out of them.' That's not a 'loophole', it's an intentionally written exception. She probably spoke to an attorney & that's what you & your brother need to do.
OP responded in the comments here:
I am furious with him and so is my brother.
Your parents threw her to the streets when she was 15, and she's supposed to step up? It's not about you. It's about her giving her money towards someone who didn't care if she died.
I know you're looking at it from the financial standpoint, but you and your brother waited 13 years to contact her. You were both in your twenties by then, so there's really no excuse. Why did you guys wait so long to contact her?