'My step daughter asked if she could call me mom;' her bio mom is punishing her. Updated 2X
"My step daughter asked if she could call me 'mom'"
megsiash
Okay so I (34f) married the man of my dreams last month (44m) and he has a 16 year old daughter from his prior marriage. I’ve been in her life and she’s been in mine for 4 years.
I’ve done my best to be there for her as a friend and trustworthy adult and she’s a really, really great kid. I’ve felt closer to her than I did any of my sisters and I could see she looked up to me and trusted me.
One more important thing: she’s on the autism spectrum. I swear that’s relevant. My husband and I went on our honeymoon for two weeks and then we came back on Friday, and my step daughter came up to me and asked if we could talk.
She told me no one had ever been as considerate as I was learning how to make foods in the exact way she liked them and was patient with her “poor” emotional regulation (her words, I think she’s doing great) and she told me I overall was her favorite person in her life.
So she asked if it was ok to call me “mom.” This really, really caught me off guard and I stopped for a moment to process it, and she got embarrassed and told me she was sorry and it was stupid, but I told her it wasn’t stupid because I would love that. She got super excited and hugged me, and it was lovely.
I was telling my husband about it later and it suddenly sunk in that I had become somebody’s mom. I just stopped and I told him “I’m someone’s mom” and he asked me if I felt like I was in the delivery room, haha.
I laughed at that but I got so emotionally overwhelmed I started crying. This morning she came downstairs and said “hey mom” to me and it’s gonna take some getting used to but holy moley, that was a great feeling.
I still don’t believe I’ve earned the titles but I’ll be damned if I’m not going to try my damn best. So it seems last month I got a husband and a daughter too. Pretty good deal if you ask me :)
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's intitial post:
Orphan_Izzy
This is the absolute best story ever. Reading this as someone who never got to be a mom and wanted to it really pulls at my heart in a good way for both of you. It makes me super happy. What an honor. Congrats on becoming a new wife and parent! Lol. Ooh! Now you can look forwards to Mother’s Day!
Headworx66
I'm sorry things didn't work out for you, maybe life has a different path planned out for you. Things can happen at the least expected times and perhaps not in the way you imagined but maybe what you need. Keep slogging on 👍
Far_Assistance_4410
So beautiful. Congrats mom!
blubberfu
Reading “patient with her poor emotional regulation (her words, I think she’s doing great)” has healed a little of my inner child that struggled with autism and never heard someone say that to me. Even when I was trying my absolute hardest. I’m not her and I’m only four years younger than you, but thank you. 🥹
The OP responded:
megsiash
You’re doing great :)
Jekyll-n-Hyde
I'm crying. This is so wholesome. Congratulations, may you be the best mom ever!
13 days later, the OP returned with an update.
"My husband’s ex wife was *furious* my stepdaughter called me 'mom'"
megsiash
So I recently made a post talking about how my stepdaughter asked to call me “mom” and it made me really happy. My husband has two children from his previous marriage, a 16 year old autistic daughter and a 26 year old daughter.
When they divorced, his ex wife advocated for custody of the older daughter (sounds like it was because she was more independent and less work) and he got the youngest one. As a result, his younger daughter always felt kind of unloved by her mom and doesn’t go too far out of her way to talk to her.
So the older daughter finally got a job in her field that she’s been fighting for for a few years and she wanted to have a dinner with the family. She seems like a nice girl from the times I’ve interacted with her, but her mom seems passive-aggressive and unkind.
We all got to the restaurant and sat down and it was pretty nice and civil. I was sitting next to my (step) daughter and she was a little overwhelmed because she hadnt been to the restaurant before and didn’t know what to order.
So, we were looking at the menu and I pointed out a type of pasta that looked similar to something we make at home that she likes. She said “thanks mom” I guess she said it loud enough that her biological mom heard because she literally stopped everything and asked “what did you just say?”
My husband and I tried to diffuse the situation, but she was very agitated by it, and actually asked why she did it. Their older daughter stepped in and asked if she could tell her mom about her new job, and that got her to move on finally.
My (step) daughter didn’t say much for the rest of the evening, but on the way home she tried to apologize for “ruining the evening” to which we told her she didn’t.
Then, if this wasn’t bad enough, both she and my husband received a four paragraph long message talking about how disrespectful and egregious it was that she called another woman “mom” and how she was very “disturbed” by it. My husband is just in disbelief and feels horrible for our daughter. He went to talk to her and she didn’t say much, but she clearly thinks this is all her fault.
If anything, it’s my fault for not discussing how she should refer to me at the dinner with my husband and then discussing it with her beforehand. I just hate that this woman is upsetting her so much and I see why my husband divorced her. Thank you for reading.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:
Adventurous-travel1
That poor girl. If her mom acted like a mom then it wouldn’t have happened. Her actions or lack have consequences. I’m Not sure if she has a therapist but it might help explain things in a way she gets and from a “professional “. The biggest thing I would be worried about now if her mom keeps sending things to her or making her feel guilty about more things.
The Op responded here:
megsiash
She does have a therapist who she meets with weekly. I’m sure my husband’s ex wife is going to come up tomorrow.
Square_Owl5883
My autistic son called my best friend mom also. It really annoys me how people get bent out of shape over this. Instead of feeling blessed for their child that people love them! The more love and support kids have in their life the better.
Five days later, the OP returned with another update.
"(kind of) update: my husband’s ex wife got *furious* my stepdaughter called me 'mom'"
megsiash
Last week I made a post about how my husband and my autistic 16 year old stepdaughter went to dinner with his ex wife and their oldest daughter (26) to celebrate her getting a job she’s been chasing her whole adult life.
Then my stepdaughter called me “mom” at one point at ex wife got PISSED and stopped the whole table to make a point, and the rest of the evening wasn’t great and then when we got home, both my husband and stepdaughter got a big text message from her talking about how “disrespectful” that was.
So the day after the incident, my stepdaughter came over to me and told me her older sister texted her and asked if she could read the text out loud. I just nodded and said “definitely” but on the inside my eyes rolled to the back of my head like “Jesus Christ, here we go.”
However, her sister sent her a very, very lovely and thoughtful message saying she felt bad about what happened the night before and was sorry the two of them haven’t been talking much lately and asked if she wanted to try to be sisters again.
Then she said she asked her what movies she’s seen lately (and movies is her special interest so that meant a lot she asked). Not gonna lie, I was caught off guard by her sincerity and kindness. It was very very sweet.
Then later that day, I got a text message from her older sister (whom I assume got my number from younger stepdaughter) and said she wanted to get to know me better since I am legally her stepmom now and I’m “the woman her baby sister is calling “mom.”
So, she definitely wanted to try to get to know eachother. She also mentioned that she didn’t get to celebrate her sister’s 16th birthday with her and felt that was a really big deal and asked if the three of us could get dinner and see a movie.
Tonight the three of us went out and saw a movie and got dinner by ourselves. My younger stepdaughter picked the movie and she loved it but my older stepdaughter and I didn’t get it but all that matters is that she liked it.
Then we sat down and had dinner together and had a very very nice time. Then on the way out, my younger stepdaughter asked if she could run into the store next to the restaurant to buy something really quick (in and out) so we said alright.
While she was in the store, my older stepdaughter told me she wanted me to know she misjudged me and watching the two of us interact both at the dinner the other night.
Tonight (me going through the menu with her to find something she’d likes, me advocating for her when their mother got upset, and how she clearly feels comfortable talking around her) and that she completely understands why I’m now “mom” to her.
All in all a pretty great night. After I got home I saw she sent me a text related something we talked about, so looks like we’re gonna be talking now. Still got some stuff to work out with her biological mom but we’ll take this as a victory.
Anyway yeah. I just figured I’d share something positive since there’s a lot of negativity on Reddit and with my current situation so I figured I’d share a positive update :)
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this last update from the OP:
Lyntho
AW i read the last post when it happened, I’m so so happy about this development! Im so happy your daughter is being supported by her older sister, and your family feels like it grew a bit more. Congrats and thanks for the wholesome update!
The OP responded here:
megsiash
Yeah, it made me really happy to hear they were talking again. I left this out in the post but I remember a few months ago my younger stepdaughter was trying to tell her sister about a movie she saw that meant a lot to her and her older sister was being very sarcastic and snarky about it to get her goat, and she actually started crying. So I think it’s great they’re getting along.
TheInjuredBear
This is such a sweet story, my mom kind of dropped me off to my dad and stepmom when I was 12 to run off with a guy to Spain. My stepmom has been in my life since I was 4, and I remember both of us trying not to cry when I approached her about calling her mom. Shoutout to all the stepmoms out there going out of their way to make the kids feel loved. It helps more than you know <3