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Wife's ex husband dies, current husband begs her to take in his orphaned son. Major Update

Wife's ex husband dies, current husband begs her to take in his orphaned son. Major Update

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"My (33m) wife (34f)’s ex just died. He left a kid who isn’t biologically either of ours, how do I talk to my wife about taking the kid in?"

ThrowRA37492928

So yeah, basically what it says on the tin. My wife, Kara, used to be married to a guy with which she has one kid, my stepdaughter Charlotte (9). I’ve always wanted to be a dad, but I’m unfortunately unable to have kids biologically, so I’ve been treating Charlotte like the my own daughter and showering her with love.

After Kara and her ex broke up, he had his son Levi (5) with another woman. Levi is not an affair baby, Kara’s ex didn’t even start seeing Levi’s mom until a year after he and Kara got divorced.

Last week, Kara’s ex passed away in a car wreck. From what I know, Levi’s mom won’t take him in and Kara’s ex has no close family who will take him in. Levi is currently staying in a foster home, and If no one steps up, Levi will become a ward of the state and enter our state’s god awful foster system permanently.

The other thing is that Charlotte loves her little brother so much, and obviously she’s devastated about her dad. I think that staying connected with her brother will help Charlotte through the grief, and that staying with his sister will help Levi.

The thing is, Kara absolutely loathes her ex. Their split up was on pretty much the worst of terms, and their divorce was the messiest I’ve ever heard of. She once told me that if it wasn’t for Charlotte, she would have moved across the country and never thought about him again.

I’m worried that she won’t want to take in Levi because of his connection to her ex. I don’t know how to talk to Kara about potentially stepping up to take Levi in, or if she might be gravely insulted if I brought this up. I know that Levi’s not technically mine or Kara’s problem, but he’s an innocent child and Charlotte’s little brother, and I would feel guilty if I didn’t even try to take him in.

Edit since a lot of people have been asking: The reason that Levi’s mom can’t and won’t take him is because she lost custody a while ago and has no interest in fighting to get it back. I don’t know why she lost custody.

Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:

mmsbva

Don’t ask if she wants to take her ex’s kid in. Ask if she wants to take her child’s brother. No matter how much she hates her ex, her child is 1/2 him. “I love Charlotte. She is my daughter.

She is half you and half your ex. I cannot in good conscience know that her sibling is out there most probably living a horrible life. I would like to discuss increasing our family.”

busybeaver1980

And that you both need to think about Charlotte and the impact of losing her brother to the system.

TogarSucks

I’d start the conversation with this. ‘What can we do to ensure Charolette can maintain a relationship with her brother?’ If things were as bad between his wife and her ex as he says, I could very easily see her reacting poorly to suggesting taking the kid in. This will give him the opportunity to feel around the subject, and best to approach it IF it comes to that.

Epickitty17

I would approach her from the standpoint of Charlotte not losing both a dad and brother. She just lost her dad, now she might lose her brother too? Heartbreaking.

ReadingSad3238

But op, please note, this does not mean guilt tripping her into it. It's still a decision that needs to be a firm YES from both of you. Bringing the kid into a home where one parent resents his presence will not be helpful either.

Point out how much it mean and the positive impacts But also prepare yourself to give her time to think and be ready to hear no as a response and think about what that means for you.

fox112

"I don’t know to talk to Kara about potentially stepping up to take Levi in, or if she might be gravely insulted if I brought this up."

Well dude she is your wife. We're just random strangers on the internet and this is a seriously large decision. I would recommend just talking to her about it and seeing how she feels. Are you even able to take the child?

The OP responded here:

ThrowRA37492928

Well, I’ve never been in my wife’s position, and I was thinking maybe someone with more experience could give me advice. I love my wife, but she can be a bit, let’s say volatile when it comes to anything involving her ex. And yes, we are able to take the kid in, well financially at least.

violue

Be careful. If your wife can't agree to this enthusiastically, you might be setting Levi up for a life that has the potential to be just as damaging as the foster care system; being a child in a home where he is not wanted.

Six days later, the OP returned with an update.

"My (33m) wife (34f)’s ex just died. He left a kid who isn’t biologically either of ours, how do I talk to my wife about taking the kid in? [UPDATE]"

ThrowRA37492928

So, after reading through as many comments as I could, I was even more nervous than ever about talking to my wife. I was also even more convinced that this was a conversation I needed to have sooner rather than later.

I also tried to get more information about Levi’s situation and why no one could take him from my wife, and according to Kara, Levi’s mom emigrated from another country and doesn’t have any family here.

One of her ex’s parents is in aged care and the other is unwilling for some reason. As for the rest of his extended family, I don’t know and neither does she, but she did say that he’s no contact with most of his family and has been disowned by a fair number of them. Someone may reach out in the future, but it seems unlikely.

Last night, Charlotte was over at her friend’s house for a sleepover, so Kara and I had dinner alone together. I started by bringing up how lonely I thought Charlotte was and how glad I was that she was feeling well enough to go over to her friend’s house.

Kara agreed, and I basically got straight to the point by saying how I thought that she’d feel better if she could spend time with her brother, and asked if she might consider taking on Levi as a kinship foster.

Kara looked thoughtful for a minute, before tentatively agreeing. We’re going to be taking steps to see about taking him in, and at the very least setting up visits so that the siblings can see each other.

This is a huge weight off my shoulders, knowing that she doesn’t resent a little kid for her relationship with his father, and that she was able to have a rational conversation regarding a topic related to her ex.

The last time we had a conversation about him (I’d accidentally used a phrase that her ex used a lot during their fights and she got triggered by it), she ended up storming out and staying at a hotel for the night so that she could calm down. She’s a lovely woman, I know it might not seem like that from my posts but she really is.

She had a really toxic and borderline abusive relationship which almost resulted in her losing access to her daughter, so I hope that y’all don’t think of her as a monster, but as a loving wife and mother with some trauma that she’s trying her damndest to work through with the support of her therapist and myself.

Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:

Aloreiusdanen

Glad you were able to ask her and that you both were able to communicate about this issue. That's part of marriage. It's not all butterflies and rainbows. Sometimes we have to talk about the hard/difficult stuff.

Hope this works out for all of you. Best of luck.

Coolerthanunicorns

I’m so happy about this outcome. Your wife seems like a lovely woman.

The OP responded here:

ThrowRA37492928

I know right? I’m so thrilled, my jaw hurts from smiling so much.

NinjaBabaMama

Charlotte will love OP for this...not just now, but, as an adult, she'll see the effort OP and her mom made to keep the sibling relationship intact.

Standard-Carry-2219

🥹 what a lovely couple even in unfortunate circumstances.

SacredandBound_

This man is a DAD. The world needs more men like him.

I sincerely hope this works out for them all.

So, a wonderfully surprising happy ending, right?

Sources: Reddit,Reddit
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