Hi, first time posting. I (16m) was born when my parents were very young. Both families decided it would be the best for me if effectively my maternal grandparents raised me and my bio parents got to live their lives. That is not to say I didn't know who my actual parents where, this is not one of those situations like in movies where the mother pretends the daughter's child is actually her own.
I and everyone knew who my progenitors were. My father moved away when he was 18 but my mother remained in my grandparents' house until she was 23 and I was around 7 but that doesn't mean we were close.
She always treated me more like an annoying little brother than a son; she didn't like spending time with me, never attended any of my school functions or showed interest in my academic work or took me to do any fun activities. Whenever I was talking about my day she would roll her eyes or change the topic to shut me up.
When she moved out I barely saw her, she just came to family gatherings and said an awkward hi and would not even look at me. It hurt even if, by that point, I already considered my grandparents to be more my parents than her.
My father was still living away (they weren't together at this point) but would come once or twice a year to visit his own family around the holidays and always made it a point to visit me and take me to do some sort of fun activities like going to the cinema or my favorite restaurant, things like that.
But, to me, he was more like an strange man than a dad because when I compared him to my friends' fathers who picked them up from school every day and went to their games and played with them on the weekends. I didn't understand why this man who I saw maybe twice a year was supposed to be the same.
Anyway, fast forward to a year ago. My father moved back to the same city where we live. He tried to hang out with me more often but I wasn't really interested. Although, sometimes I complied. I don't hate him I just don't know him. I even had a bedroom in his apartment which is cool because he lives in the center of the city.
Behind everyone's, back both my parent's had started hang out and, a couple months later, they announced they were dating. It was a shock. They asked me to move in with them to my father's apartment which I refused but they argued that we could finally be a family.
I was about to start an argument with them when my grandma just said that changing school districts would be very inconvenient and I could lose all my friends and the situation deescalated by itself. Although, my parents didn't let go of the idea.
My parents asked for me to spend more time with them and this was particularly frustrating because even though I never had any particular tension with my father I most definitely do with my mother. I don't like being around her and she's treated me poorly my whole life and I feel like she's now only trying to save face because she knows my dad wants me there.
Now onto the issue: Last week they both came into my grandparents' house. They announced they were going to buy a house nearby in the neighborhood so that I can finally move in with them. I immediately said no and when they said that changing schools would no longer be an issue. I found myself in a corner and I said that was never the problem.
I said that I just simply don't see them as my parents and don't want to live with them. That's when they dropped the bomb on us. Not only did they want me to move in with them so we could be a family, but my mother was pregnant, so we were going to be a bigger family even. I was shocked and I blew my lid on them.
I told them they were the worst parents in the world and that they abandoned me at 16 and now they were going to bring another child into the world and to do the same to them? They never apologized for treating me like garbage and making me feel like I was a mistake they made.
I told them they make me feel like I wasn't supposed to exist and dumped me to be other people's responsibility and it's only now that they feel like they want to be my family. My mother screamed back at me telling me I was a brat and that she wasn't going to make the same mistakes twice raising her second baby. I told her she never raised me to begin with.
My father said that they were young and trying to do the best they could. Well guess what, the best you could was pretty effing bad. I stormed out and went to my room sobbing.
I've been very depressed for the last week. They have both called and texted since but I ignored them. My grandparents agree with me that I shouldn't move and that my parents shouldn't expect me to be all loving and forgiving after how they've treated me.
However, they believe they are starting a new chapter of their lives now that they are more mature and stable, which I guess leaves me behind. I've also had time to think that I'm around the same age my mother was when she had me and what a huge responsibility that must've been. However, I still can't forgive them. AITAH for the way I reacted to the news?
First I’m so sorry you’ve got shitty parents. NTA as far as what you said, they needed to hear it. Your grandparents are your real parents, they stepped when you were let down.
I want to share this post with my grandparent because honestly the most common response has been how great they are and honestly they are. I love them so much and I tell them all the time but I feel like it's never enough and it's always great to take the time to tell the people you are most grateful to how much you appreciate them and how much of an impact they have had in your life.
NTA. Sounds like your grandparents are raising a smart and well balanced person. For the sake of your future mental health, get to know your parents very slowly and from a distance. Observe their behaviors with one another and separately. Does your dad treat you differently when mother is around? Does she treat you differently when he is around? All of this is key to your choices.
From your explanation, there doesn’t seem to be a reason to change your living arrangements. They are simply closer to your home and you all can get to know one another better. Your grandparents probably have some deeper input but don’t want to persuade you. Ask their opinions. They clearly care deeply.
Thank you everyone for the verdict of NTA. I feel better and it has somewhat cleared my mind. Also huge HUGE thank you to all that are commenting about how awesome my grandparents are. I'm planning on showing them this post so they can see how much everyone can see the amazing kind of people they are and they deserve all the love and appreciation I could possibly give them and more.
I've also come to the conclusion that I have a lot of resentments and unanswered questions as well as misgivings about the future that I need to set straight with primarily my father. He needs to know how I grew up and I need to know why he abandoned me.
I also feel like I need to warn him about my mother because I am worried about my sibling being abandoned and mistreated like I was. So, I'm preparing a list of points and questions that I want to bring up to him and we'll meet tomorrow or the day after and I'll confront him with all of these to hopefully get some sort of closure or resolution.
Hi everyone, thank you all for the responses, it really helped a lot. It's been an emotional couple of days and a lot has happened. My mind is a little bit dispersed but I felt like I owed you all an update, and I'm doing to try and be as clear as possible.
First of all, I shared my post with my grandparents and they were so surprised by it. They were very happy to see how many people commented about how amazing they are and I, in turn, also took the opportunity to tell them how much I loved them and how much I appreciated everything they had ever done for me.
They are my real parents and nothing is ever going to change that. There were some tears and they told me they loved me and how proud they were of me. They never thought of themselves as doing something special or worth so much appreciation. They were just taking care of family, but they are the best.
After that I started trying to collect my thoughts and arranging a meeting with my father to discuss the things that were bothering me; why did he abandon me, why did he think he could just reappear into my life like that, that I wasn't going to move in with them and I didn't consider them my parents because they never acted as such, etc...
We met at a park and he went to hug me but I stepped away and he looked hurt. He just apologized for what happened the other day and went into this speech about how we could try to transition into living together part-time and he would respect my boundaries and I went blank.
I didn't expect for him to talk so I pulled out my phone and just showed him the post I made the other day and he started reading it in silence. After a while, he read it all and some responses and he just asked me if this was true and I said yes. He told me that if I had questions, he would answer honestly.
I asked what happened when I was born and he told me that when my mother got pregnant all options were laid on the table: abortion, adoption, marriage, gramps taking care of me, only one of my parents taking me in...
My mother was deadly scared of adoption because some religious group had told them some horror story about dead babies and mothers being killers or some bs like that so she wanted to give me up for adoption but my father refused. He couldn't bear the idea of having his child living somewhere and never seeing him again.
So, he proposed taking me in as sole caretaker and leaving his college plans to stay in our city but his parents weren't thrilled with this plan and pushed him to go to college so that he could provide economically for me.
They offered themselves to take care of me but they were significantly older than my maternal grandparents (she was an only child and, at the time they were just forty whereas my father has five older siblings and his parents were already in their sixties) and since taking care of me meant taking care of my mother for a while as well my grandparents decided it was the best decision for them to take me.
Also, intermediately after I was born, my mother had post-natal depression and the doctors advised them to not completely remove me from her side or it might do more damage to our relationship and my grandparents wanted her to eventually love me as a son.
One thing to note about my father that I didn't mention in my original post is that, even when he was in college, he worked part time to pay child support and once he started working at a law firm, he started sending more money to my grandparents and set up a college fund for me, which was news to me.
My grandparents don't know about this but my mother does. So, I don't know what to do with this information. My father thought of me all the time he spent away and believed he had left me with a happy family and that he was working to give me a better life.
But I followed his life through social media. He went to parties, vacations, had girlfriends and did lots of fun stuff and barely had any contact with me. I asked him why he couldn't have made more of an effort to be a part of my life? Like, I understand if he needed to study in another city and work there but it's no effort to call or text. Coming once a year just doesn't cut it.
He looked ashamed and apologized to me and I took advice that I saw in a lot of the comments here that I would forgive but not forget and that maybe we can build a relationship going forward. But, it will always be marked by his actions in the past. If he hasn't been my dad for 16 years, so he can't start now. He seemed sad but accepted my conditions.
I then told him about my concerns about my mother, told him how badly she treated me as a child, that I did not think she would be a good mother for my sibling and that I wanted to go low/no contact with her.
He said that after he left for college and they broke up, he would call her once in a while to check up on things but that quickly ended. When he came back, she told him that she and I had a great bond. She said that, even though we didn't see each other daily, it was because I was "in those teenage years" and that she loved spending time with me and had been a very hands on mom.
I told him that everything she said was a lie and that she never cared for me. He obviously read the stuff from my post but I also told him other things like when she would ask my grandparents for "babysitting money" for taking care of me or that she would call me annoying or disgusting to my face when we still lived together and that severely messed me up.
He was very serious and said he would talk to her but that he really would not allow a child to be treated like that and that he was sorry for letting that happen to me.
Lastly he told me I would have a bedroom in his house but he understood perfectly that I would never live there. He was quite emotional at this point and got choked up when he asked me if, even if I didn't consider him my father I would consider his baby my sibling.
I said of course and that I planned to be a very active part of their life if I could. He started crying and asked if he could hug me and this time I agreed. I am happy about the resolution of our conversation and I really do believe he will be a good parent for my sibling. Once again thanks to everyone who commented and took interest in my story, I don't know if I'll update again.
That's a really good resolution with your father. I'm glad it went so well. I have a feeling, though, that shit is about to hit the fan with your Mom after Dad has a chat with her. Good luck, OP.
Your grandparents did a great job raising you, and your maturity at 16 is so admirable. I hope going forward your big broth(dad) and you can get to know each other and love each other, as well as your little sib.
Your bio mom is a pos and I really hope your bio dad doesn’t stay with her she won’t be good for that child. I’m glad that you and your bio dad came to a resolution. Please update if you can!
So, a lot of you warned me about the sh*t hitting the fan when my bio mother talked with my dad and today that's exactly what happened. My father sent my a text early in the morning warning me about the fact that he was going to confront my mother and that he didn't want anything to splash to me and reassured me that he believed me completely.
I braced myself because I expected for her to call me berating me or something. I truly don't care about what she thinks but these past few days have been emotionally draining and I wasn't sure if I was ready for another full blown confrontation. Using Reddit to vent has been helpful tho.
After a few hours, my mother pulled up to our house and let herself in, screaming like mad and calling me every name in the book. She told me I had "ruined her relationship" and asked me "why had I been blabbing about private matters that don't concern anybody."
I said that my childhood matters to me and my father who is also going to be the future father of her child and that her actions ruined her relationship. She called me an a**hole and said I was the biggest mistake she's ever made in her life. I didn't know she could still hurt me but that was a low blow.
I said that I would do anything in my power to take her baby away from her because she was a monster of a mother. We were screaming at this point and my grandparents, who were in the backyard, must have heard us. They entered the room and separated us and also heard part of the fight.
I was fighting tears and my grandma walked me upstairs to my room as my grandpa screamed to my mother, asking how dare she speak to me that way. My grandma soothed me a little and then went to confront my mother with my grandpa. I heard from the door how they ripped my mother a new one.
They confronted her for telling me the things that she did, for treating me like garbage all my life and for lying to my father. They told her how disappointed they were in her for always treating me with disgust and how many excuses they made for her, thinking she was a child trying to raise a child. But she was now an adult and her behavior never changed.
They said they were on the path of disinheriting her. My mother was screaming about how hard it had been for her and how much she was hurt. But, my grandparents were having none of that. They raised me and she was allowed to have the life she wanted and to make all the decisions she wanted without repercussions ever.
I even heard them say that if there was any custody battle ensued over the baby to come, they would take my father's side, unless she radically changed everything about her behavior.
They went outside for a while so I don't know what they said but eventually they came into my room and my grandparents looked extremely serious and my mother was red and crying and apologized to me through gritted teeth. I didn't respond but my grandparents said on her behalf that she was going to start therapy immediately and she was no longer welcome in the house.
I called my father after the debacle and he was furious. He talked to my mother before going to a work meeting and he confronted her about everything. Apparently, it was nasty. But, he was willing to work on the relationship for the good of the baby, under the condition that my mother would also be working on improving her relationship with me. He didn't want me to feel uncomfortable whenever I visited.
After he left, he made her promise she wouldn't contact me until they talked again but, there's my mother for you folks. I asked him to think on what's better for himself and for the baby and to not hold today against my mother if he doesn't want to.
Also, a thing that has come up a lot in the comments on my previous posts is that my progenitors only want me as a babysitter and that I should steer away from them and the baby for my own sake. But, I want to make a point about that. I can't say anything about their intentions; I know nothing about that. But, I am really very excited to have a sibling.
Growing up I had a very small family, it was just my grandparents and me. On my paternal side, I had a huge family with aunts, uncles and cousins. But, whenever I went there, I always felt like the odd one out. They tried to include me and invited me for Easter, Christmas, bbqs and stuff but I didn't really know them.
Although they were nice, I always felt like I had a big sign on my head that said "that kid John had in high school." I can't wait to have a sibling and love them and always be there for them and show them what a family truly is. I want to be that person they can always rely on. I want to feel that bond with someone. So, even if I have my misgivings about my parents, I do not have any about being a big brother.
I hope this is the last update and there is no more family drama in the future. Thank you all for all your help. Having this site to air out my frustrations and having a community to back me up and give me feedback has been amazing. You truly have helped me out a lot to deal with all of this so really, thank you so much.
Wow…. Egg donor is a real pos… after being exposed like that she is still blaming you? Wtf! I’m happy that your gramps stepped up like that, they rock! Happy about your journey as big bro you sound like you are going to be the best!
This poor kid. Those grandparents are saints for stepping up, and I do hope things improve so OP's younger sibling can have a good life.
If OPs dad had any relationship with OP, he would not have simply believed OP's mom when she said she was a great mom.
The dad dropped the ball for years and now a new kid is going to be messed up by this dynamic.
Some people shouldn't be parents, period. In this case, I'm definitely putting a majority of the fault on OP's egg donor, that woman doesn't deserve the title of mother.
I'm not letting Dad off the hook either. You don't spend any time talking to your own child, but immediately hop back in bed with their mother without even talking to your kid to know mom is a monster? You have time for girlfriends, but see your kid once a year? Then you find out all the sh*t OP's mom pulled and go "well I want to work on our relationship"?
I feel so bad for OP. Verbally and emotionally abused by mom, abandoned by dad and hearing they want to stay together and build a life together for the shiny new baby.