Daughter tells mother she regrets 'wasting her youth' taking care of her. AITA? FINAL UPDATE
"Aitah for telling my mom that I regret wasting my youth for her"
FaithlessnessDue4780
I (26F) was raised by a single mother, my mother always told me that my father had abandoned us and that he never loved us, and she always stressed that she had to work twice as hard to have a daughter. For some reason those comments always made me feel like everything was my fault and sometimes I felt like my mother would have been better off if I didn't exist.
When I turned 16, my mother was seriously ill (breast cancer). At that time, we were living in a rented house and the owner had asked for it. At that moment I found out that my mother had not paid the bills or the rent.
Mom couldn't work so I had to leave school and start working, the first year was hard, I ate very little, it was more coffee than anything, the chemo, the work, everything was very exhausting.
Even so, I never regretted taking care of my mother, I felt like it was the least I could do after she sacrificed everything for me. After a while, my mother overcame cancer and I decided to resume my mandatory studies.
At first, my mother did not agree. She told me things like: "It is humiliating that you finish your studies when I was never able to do so because I had to take care of you."
At first I thought her words made sense but my boyfriend encouraged me to finish them. Now this last year my boyfriend has encouraged me to go to university. He even told me that I could take out a loan to pay for university and put him as executor. He has a very good salary. When I raised the idea with my family, everyone was happy except my mother, who made me feel bad again.
I told him that this was my decision and I wanted to study because I wanted to get better opportunities, this time my mother accused my boyfriend of putting absurd ideas in my head, that I was only going to get into debt in vain because I was no good for my studies and I will most likely leave them halfway like I have done with everything in my life.
I reminded her I would never leave something abandoned of my own free will, but she reminded me that I left school because I was stupid. That's when I reminded her that I did it because she needed me. She said so many hurtful things at that moment, she told me that she never needed me, that I only extorted her, that she preferred to die before I took care of her.
That's when I broke down and told her that I regretted having taken care of her all those years and that I no longer wanted her in my life. My boyfriend says I was right to vent but I feel like I was very cruel to her and my family also thinks I was cruel. I don't know what to do. Maybe I should apologize. It's the only family I have, but I feel like I'm hurt a lot.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
LettuceMaximum8626
Definitely NTA. She’s jealous because you’re trying to live the life SHE wanted. It’s not your fault that her life is shitty. Just let her be, finish your studies and worry about you and your bf 🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️ she clearly doesn’t appreciate anything you did so there’s no reason to stick around…seeing that she’s treated you like a burden your whole entire life smh.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, I’ve dealt with this from my own mom too WITHOUT health issues so I can imagine if she did have health issues and I was taking care of her 🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️good luck with your studies!!!
liyah4455
Wtf , NTA at all. Your mom envious you and wish that she could finish school and have her life that you have and want. And instead of being proud of raising a good hearted and working daughter she’ll rather have her jealousy take over. FORGET HER AND GO FINISH YOUR STUDIES GIRL, you found yourself a good man that is willing to help you and be there for you.
Bitter_Animator2514
Your NTA. Sometimes kids need to actually vent/rant at their parents and clear how you feel or have felt. Now comes the calm after the storm. You keep moving forward with people who encourage you and build your life with your boyfriend.
TickityTickityBoom
NTA your mother sounds like a toxic piece of work. Personally, you should not apologise and go low contact.
ConvivialKat
NTA. First of all, you're 26, not 6. You have the absolute right to live your life exactly as you wish. You did your duty, putting off your life when she was sick. Now, it's time for you to move forward. Probably, and I'm very sorry to have to say this, but it would probably be better for you to go no contact with her for a while and seek some therapy.
Two months later, the OP returned with an update.
"UPDATE - AITA for telling my mom that I regret wasting my youth for her?"
FaithlessnessDue4780
I have returned here to tell you a little about what has happened these months. After the fight with my mother, I decided to move in with my boyfriend. During the time I lived with my mother, I took care of the expenses, such as electricity, water, food and rent.
I told my mother that I would help her for 2 months while she looked for a job and then she would have to fend for herself, but I decided to cut that agreement after finding out that she did a horrible thing.
I talked to my partner about what I said here, and he agreed with some of your comments about my mom being a narcissist and that she had done something to make my father leave us, you were right.
I tried to investigate, it was difficult since no one wanted to give me an answer. Until my mother's sister, who is a little interested, offered to take me to someone who might know about my father, in exchange for money. Finally she contacted me with a sister of my father and I was able to meet him.
He was happy to hear from me, our first conversation was via video call, I discovered that my father always paid money to my mother for me and that he sent me gifts at Christmas and birthdays, (gifts that my mother passed off as coming from her.)
I also found out that he is married and I have a 16-year-old brother and an 8-year-old sister, and he also invited me to his wedding. When I asked him how he met my mother, he told me a pretty horrible story.
They met on my father's sister's birthday, it should be noted that my mother was 20 and my father was 16. My mother got my father drunk and then they slept together, he doesn't remember much about that night, because he deleted that horrible memory from his mind.
She became pregnant after that night, my maternal grandparents demanded that he marry my mother, but he disliked her, in the end my paternal grandparents demanded a DNA test and if I was his daughter, he would be financially responsible. But nothing more. He did get to know me, but he didn't want to marry my mother, he couldn't even see her, she harassed him and demanded a wedding.
In the end, when I was 4 months old, my mother gave him an ultimatum, either marry her or forget about his daughter. He couldn't imagine being with a woman like that and told her that he would take care of me, but it couldn't be with her.
My mother decided to leave the city and cut all ties with him until I was 1 year old and had a lot of debt, then she told him that she would send him photographs of me in exchange for paying my expenses, he accepted and for years he asked to see me but she He refused, he could only see me in photos.
After talking, I understood the whole situation, I asked him if we could meet face to face, he accepted, I planned to visit him at his house and thus meet his entire family.
When I found out all this, I cut off all financial aid to my mother, she came to my house and demanded that I pay the bills, I told her that she had seen me with my father and that now I knew what kind of woman she was. That drove her crazy but my boyfriend quickly took her out of our house. I didn't see her again until the day I was going to travel to meet my father.
She called me crying saying that her cancer had come back. I thought for a few moments that she was telling me the truth and I almost went to her house but my boyfriend was smarter.
He told me that before believing her I should call the doctor who treated her before. I did exactly that and discovered that it wasn't true. I simply sent a message to my mom telling her not to come back to look for me and I blocked her from everywhere.
I finally met my father. We talked and cried a lot. His wife was very kind to me and so were his children. He showed me all the photos he had of me and the letters he wrote to me but she sent him back. I still don't know how to face all this, I just know that I don't want to see my mother again.
PS: I applied for some universities, I await a response, if everything goes well I will study pedagogy, my dream since I was very little.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:
Still-Preference5464
How old are you OP. I ask because you sound young and should not be responsible for financially supporting your mother and what she did was vile and stopped you having your father in your life. You’re NTA but she is. I’m so pleased your meeting either with your father and his wife was positive!
The OP responded here:
FaithlessnessDue4780
Hello, thank you, I'm 26 years old, I've taken care of her since she got sick when she was 15, and after she got better she never worked for more than 2 months. That's why I gave him that time to take care of her, I was really willing to do it for longer, but my boyfriend told me that two months was enough time for her to get a job.
I'm glad to know that I have a loving family, I still consider them a bit like strangers, I've just been assimilating for a month that my father was not the family-abandoning monster that they always painted me as.
SawwhetMA
Doesn't it just blow your mind that some comments from random reddit strangers gave you the inspiration to reconnect with your dad and his family??
Btw, love your boyfriend - he's a keeper!!
The OP again responded here:
FaithlessnessDue4780
Yes, my boyfriend is someone incredible. I'll be honest that I always believed in my mother's version, even my boyfriend tried to convince me not to be guided by a single version, but I immediately told him to stop all attempts to talk about my father, because I didn't want to go through that.
I was very distressed by all of this and he stopped insisting when he saw how upset I was. For years I felt guilty that my father abandoned me, that he didn't love me, I felt so worthless that I didn't deserve to have the love of a father or mother.
It took me a long time to open up to another idea about my father, but reading certain comments made me resume the conversation with my boyfriend, and he gave me the impetus to know the truth.
My boyfriend even convinced me to go to a psychologist, to stop all those thoughts. My mother always said: "Those who go to psychologists are because they feel sorry for themselves" and she raised me with the thought that psychologists were only for idiots.