My parents live in a less developed country than I do. My siblings and I all live in North America or Europe. When I got my new job I did my budget and saw that I could send home roughly $1,300 a month without it affecting my personal comfort.
I would still be able to save for my future and my mom and dad could retire. So when I was home I set up a joint account for us. That way I could see is they needed more and make sure that they were not getting scammed or anything.
After about a year and a half I started noticing that there was a $200 transfer every month. I asked them about it and they said he was having difficulties with his budget so they were helping him out.
My brother doesn't need help. He is a scholarship student. He actually receives a stipend from my home government to study abroad. What he really wants is money to party.
So I reduced the amount I give them by $200. Obviously they do not need it if they can afford to give it away every month. My mom called me when she noticed and was yelling at me for being a crappy daughter and sister.
I asked her to tell me exactly how much money they contributed to my party fund when I was away for school. Just so you know the answer is $0.00. They also tried to talk me out of attending university in Canada.
I'm not sure how common the idea of filial piety is in other cultures but it's a big deal in mine. She went off about it. I told her that they didn't need the money and I had better ways to spend $200 than to gift it to my brother so he could get drunk with his friends more.
She said that I am treating them like children by restricting how they spend their money. I replied that I was not going to subsidize my brother through them. And that from now on the amount they got from me would be $1,100. And that if they sent him money again I would know and reduce their money by that amount going forward.
My brother called me to chewed me out about cutting off his money from our parents. I said that I hadn't. He was welcome to tell our parents to go back to backbreaking jobs at their age to pay for his partying in London. Then they would have my money to live off of and their wages to pay for his drinking.
My boyfriend is on my side. As are many of my friends. Most of my family and people from my culture think I am being an ahole. However for the last two months my parents have only been spending on themselves.
NTA. And since your parents probably don’t tell you often enough, I’ll say it for them: you are an amazingly thoughtful, loving, and caring child to your parents. You send them upwards of $1000 every month just so they can retire and not have to work. That’s amazing.
You are also reducing the amount you give them as a preventative measure to make sure they don’t get taken advantage of by a spoiled son. If they give $200 now without consequences.
It would eventually increase to $300 then $400 then $500, and so on and so forth. You set a boundary that will help your parents to keep their money for themselves so they can continue to remain retired and not spread themselves too thin.
I love this. You are a good daughter, a loyal and thoughtful child.
NTA. If you wanted to give your brother $200 a month, you could send it direct. You don't have to give your parents money to make an end run so that you're giving your brother that $200. I agree with your logic. If they're sending $200 a month to brother, that's money they don't actually need from you. The total effect is that you stopped giving brother $200 a month.
NTA. They don’t want to be treated like children but will gladly take a monthly allowance from you. An allowance they wouldn’t have if you had listened to them and accepted their lack of support.
I doubt your brother will send them money when he gets a job. So they have a choice to make. Keep giving him money they claim to need or use the money so they can have an easier retirement.
"She said that I am treating them like children by restricting how they spend their money. "
That's hilarious. Say it right back at her. NTA.
Can I point out just how entitled your parents are behaving? To think that only you would need to contribute towards their lifestyle is eye roll worthy. Honestly, I hope you reduce the amount you give them as soon as your brother gets a job in his field.
He needs to step up and support your parents as well. As it was, he was sponging off of your retired parents, reducing their quality if life. Your brother needed a dose of reality. NTA.
1300 a month? Girl I’ll adopt you.
NTA. Your parents are lucky and should be grateful to have your financial support. If this escalates I would stick to your plan of cutting down more. I know it's hard to hear when your culture is big on family but putting boundaries is okay and you're doing the right thing.