Hello everyone, I (20 F) just want some unbiased input since my family has mixed feelings about this. I just got a new apartment, finally big enough to host people, something I couldn't do previously cause I lived in a shoe box sized apartment. Because of this upgrade I've been really happy and just wanted to share that with those close to me, so I invited my family to have lunch this past Sunday.
Important to note that my boyfriend (21 M) and I live together, we have live together for six months now, and been together for about year and half, we're doing great and the future looks amazing and promising with him. I do see myself getting married to him.
The issue came this Sunday, we we're having lunch and everyone was having a good time, just what I wanted. My boyfriend had to leave cause he was going to see his little brother's football game, after he left my mother (37 F) started asking if I could afford the apartment without him and if the lease was on my name.
I told her that I could afford it, and that everything was ok with the lease. She said "good, now I can rest easy," now, normally this wouldn't be so bad but she said it in this snarky and passive aggressive tone that didn't went unnoticed by anyone, things at the table immediately got uncomfortable.
I asked what she meant by that, and she replied with "well, I assume you want to stay in this place for a long time, it is really nice, and I just wanted to be sure that when you finally decide to break up with bf you won't have to leave."
She has never been the kindest person in the planet, she hasn't been the kindest to my bf, but at least not in front of people, and never like this. So I asked to please stop saying things like that from now on, that it was mean.
Of course, she had to make it worse by saying something along the lines of "oh please, I just meant that you guys will break up when you finally get over that whole 'i don't want kids mindset' because he can't have any."
For context, my bf got a vasectomy this year. Also, I've been saying since I'm 16 that I don't want any children, but she insists on the whole "you'll change your mind" as she believes that there is nothing greater for women than to be mothers. Her comment made me angry, everyone on the table was uncomfortable. My grandmother tried to divert the conversation, but I wasn't having it.
I got up from the table, asked her as calmly as possible to please leave and went to cut the dessert. She said a comment about my temper and her not been able to voice her concerns, and left along my father and sisters.
After, my grandmother said I was being rude and that I know how my mother is, that I shouldn't have said anything and to just brush it off. But my aunt agreed with what I did. My mother sent me a long text yesterday saying that she was waiting for an apology and that she won't visit me again because I was mean to her and made her cry. So, AITA?
NTA. Are some people unable to find conversation topics these days? Why is she bringing up your relationship and feelings about having children in front of a bunch of your guests?
This is exactly what made me so angry! Like if she is worried that's fine, all mothers worry, but tell me in private, via text or something. We have plenty of private moments when she could've asked about this but picks to talk about it in front of my whole family, I was baffled.
"I know how my mother is, that I shouldn't had said anything and just brush it off."
Words cannot express how much I can't stand this way of thinking. They know that the other person is wrong but they expect you to suck it up, buttercup, and just deal with it. "That's just how she is" is how entitled people are made.
People just let them get away with everything and you have to put up and shut up. It would be great if people just stopped letting others get a free pass on things because "that's just the way they are."
Your mother's text after the fact sounds very emotionally manipulative. Stand firm in setting your boundaries. She needs to know that she needs to respect you, your boyfriend, and your decision not to have children. It's not up for debate.
NTA - Your mom sounds like an entitled narc.
Yes, her therapist also told her she may be narcissistic, she doesn't go to therapy anymore lol.
NTA. You don’t need to allow people into your home that disrespect your home or relationship. She’s simply trying to manipulate you into letting her back in. She doesn’t deserve any apology whatsoever - you do. The threat of “not visiting” is a blessing in disguise. You aren’t going to be put in the position you’ll be disrespected by her in your own home again.
This guy might be your forever. He might not. Saying that it’s inevitable that you’ll break up is rude and unsupportive. And insisting you’ll want children when you don’t is trying to force a norm on you, not to mention it sounds like she’s pretty into enforcing sexist gender roles.
Asking about whether you could afford the place and were on the lease is easy to accept as normal concern, because…well, relationships do end unexpectedly, and it’s good that you’re protected. It’s the turn to “of course you’ll break up” that is mean, and asking for her to knock it off is a reasonable boundary.
As for asking her to leave, you set a boundary and she disregarded it. So you had to enforce the boundary. She was in your space, so asking her to leave was a reasonable way to enforce your boundary. NTA.