Man sends kids to boarding school when wife dies; new wife is pregnant, kids won't come home.
"AITA for asking that my stepchildren's schooling costs be cut because we have a baby on the way?"
Throwawaye_1725
My (27F) stepkids go to a boarding school 10 miles from our home that allow for both day students and students who board there. My husband, (this is before he met me) switched them from day students to boarding there 2 years ago when his late wife was dying from cancer.
He is a doctor, so it was a cruel mockery of all he was to have to watch his wife spend the last year of her life in excruciating pain. When the last months came, my husband had all but emotionally wasted away, and school administration helped transition my stepkids (15M, 11F) from being day students to boarding school students.
They were furious at him for having done that at first, and when my husband and I started dating, sometimes he'd put the phone on speaker and I'd hear the bitterness from both kids about being away from home. But then time passed and the complaints mercifully stopped.
I understand I have to earn their trust and respect, and am willing to wait as long as I need to to get that. However, I have seen texts to their dad where they have said it is hard to really respect me and I can't help but think their living situation is to blame.
If they are away from home, and calling the other boarding students quasi siblings, and their dorm parent a beloved aunt and therapist rolled into one, then they have no incentive to not emotionally detach from their family at home.
I recently found out I am pregnant. However, now that we're married with a child on the way, my husband has said he'll defer to me regarding family matters. I was raised in a Catholic family where frugality is important. My mom always said, "Just because an expense wouldn't make a dent in your bank account doesn't mean you should spend that money if it's not necessary."
My husband does have money- he has owned pain clinics for years and recently opened up a medical spa. However, just because we have the money doesn't mean we should pay for boarding school.
My husband has finished grieving and wants to look toward the future as a united family. So, I said that my stepkids should move back in with us. The boarding school thing was supposed to be temporary.
We would save a whole lot of money and, in my experience, the bonding I did with siblings came from helping care for them. I told my husband this and he agreed. We spoke with school administration to figure out what we needed to do. My stepkids were furious, saying they had found a safe place with their classmates and this was not our decision.
My husband told them he agreed but it was time to come home. They accused him of abandoning them, and then changing his mind when they finally felt their boarding school was home to them.
They then turned on me and snapped that I was overstepping my boundaries. My husband interjected and he told them to apologize for their disrespect and that I had a right to input about our family. This isn't just about money. This is about family and wanting them to bond with their new sibling. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Cinaedus_Perversus
YTA. Your step-kids have been disregarded every step of the way. They are hurt and feel betrayed and deserted. And now you're heaping it on by once again ignoring their wishes and wants. That's strike one. You want to uproot their entire lives just because you find frugality important. In other words, you put adhering to an arbitrary value above the wellbeing of the kids. That's strike two.
You want the kids to bond with and help care for their new step-sibling. Seems to me you only want cheap babysitters and maybe some playthings for your own kid. Strike three. You're an a**hole, and your husband is too for deserting his kids and not opposing this stupid idea.
Bird_Brain4101112
Weird how she didn’t care about frugality until she got pregnant.
Techrn995
YTA and so is your horrible husband! Those poor children, first they lose their mother and get sent to boarding school to live 10 miles from THEIR freaking home!
KurosakiOnepiece
If you weren’t pregnant would you have wanted them home? I bet not.
Electronic_Fox_6383
"The bonding I did with siblings came from helping care for them."
So, let's not get it twisted. You're after live-in child care and are upending their now-settled lives for your own gain. YTA a million times over. If what's best for your stepchildren is actually important to you, leave them where they are.
Despert7
Their father put them there to not deal with them when they needed him the most and support them through their grief.
CarcosaDweller
Your husband is a monster and you don’t sound much better. YTA, these poor kids finally managed to find the support that was completely lacking from their father and you now want to rip that away so you can make them free babysitters.