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Woman tired of 'horrible' sister benefiting while she plays 'the good kid for free.' CONCLUDED

Woman tired of 'horrible' sister benefiting while she plays 'the good kid for free.' CONCLUDED


"AITAH For telling my mom I won’t be the “good kid” for free anymore?"


First off, this is one of my first posts so please forgive me for any mistakes. So, some context. My mother has two children, me (24f) and my younger sister (15f). Her and my dad were never together, but when she got pregnant with my sister all those years ago she married my step-father out of wedlock.

My stepfather is much much older and was pretty wealthy at the time. When my mother decided to marry my stepdad she packed me up and moved us 4 hours away from my grandparents (my primary caregivers since I was born) and my dad.

I won’t get to far into what my life was like after I moved in, but it is worth mentioning I suffer from diagnosed C-PTSD and severe anxiety from my years of living with them.

My sister never had a chance. From the start she’s been spoiled. Not just spoiled- spoiled rotten. As the years went on I tried to tell my mother and stepdad that she would not just “grow out of it” like they said she would.

I've had friends compare her to Varuka from Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. She screams, throws things, hits people, threatens to lie to cps, calls our mother a whore/fat cow/depressed loser, and calls her father an old man.

For heavens sake, she called her 95 year old grandmother an old bitch and stomped on our other grandmothers foot. She is out of control. What is done about this? Well- their idea of discipline is…nothing.

Her dad is considerably older and doesn’t want to “make her hate him” for the short amount of time he has left with her. So he leaves the discipline to our mother- who is mentally very unstable and crumbles easily.

Because my sister is so outwardly difficult, I’ve always been revered as the good child. To be clear- me being “the good child” included my silence and compliance. I had to be responsible and mature for my age because my stepdad and mother were not.

Because of this, and some guilt, my mother and stepfather have always overly relied on me. I’m the one who placates, who mediates, who tried to parent their kid but was constantly undermined. It caused me to have several severe relationship issues as an adult.

After high school, I moved out and went to college. I attended therapy, and started to learn that my people pleasing from living with them was crippling me. So I’ve slowly started stopping.

The last key component to the context is they my mom and stepdad do not support me. Even when I lived with them in high school, every dime for lunch money or new clothes came from my grandparents. Even my car was given to me by my grandparents at 18.

They’ve paid 1 semester of my juco (roughly 2,500), and to their credit they did pay for my braces when I was 10. However, this pales when compared to the 10k a semester they spend on her private school tuition, her $1000 monthly allowance they put on her debit card, her new Porsche car which she can’t even drive yet, plus so much more.

My mother even asked me to give up my birthday last year to attend my sisters cheer nationals in Florida, which I did to be a good sister, but there was no such thing for me when I was in high school.

(For the record, I understand most of this money is my wealthy stepdad. I am not delusional to the fact that I am not his kid and therefore shouldn’t expect support from him. However- they expect me to support them. )

Now Im at a head. I’ve always relented and gone to my mothers house on Christmas Eve to wake up and open gifts Christmas morning because it’s important to her- but I don’t believe I’m there because she wants me to be, but mostly so I can mediate.

My sister always makes a spectacle of Christmas Eve. Last year our mother put $4000 worth of gifts under the tree for her and me both and my sister was not happy with a SINGLE gift that she ASKED for.

I’m talking screaming, throwing gifts in the trash, biting, scratching. All at 14 years old. Christmas Day has always ended in screaming and tears. I hate Christmas because of this.

This year, I wanted to spend it with my grandparents and see my dad over the holiday. This was not taken well. I get told by my grandmother that I’m the only thing keeping my mom sane.

It was implied a good kid would want to spend time with her family and sister on Christmas- and I told her that my younger sister has gotten so much more than me (money, opportunities, support, etc) and she gets to be horrible to our mother and get rewarded for it.

Why should I be a good kid if I’m not getting anything in return? Why should I spend a holiday with family that makes it horrible over my grandparents who are ACTUALLY supporting me?

My grandma said that this was a horrible thing to say. She begged me not to say this to my mother and to just put up with it. This is not how my grandparents raised me to be or think, but it’s not so much about the money as it is just the blatant usage of me.

Some part of my feels greedy and spoiled for being upset over the difference in support, but somehow it still just feels so wrong to keep giving in to them. What is keeping me at bay is that my grandparents have never steered me wrong.

But I sometimes wonder if what was done to me gets forgotten about because my mother is mentally ill and does suffer, and my sister is like this because it’s all she’s ever known.

I can’t help but feel like I can’t relent on this one though, that my boundaries are being trampled. So, AITA for wanting to say this to my mother? If yes, what else do I do? Thank you in advance for reading.

Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:


NTA! Your mom and step dad need a real big reality check and maybe you spending not only this Christmas but maybe a few more holidays/birthdays away from them to deal with their demon spawn on their own would be a huge eye opener! Go spend time with your dad and grandparents don’t let NO ONE try to guilt trip you into changing your mind. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!


I have grandkids your age. Put your phone in airplane mode and go see your good grandparents and your dad. You won't have many more years to spend with the family who actually loves you. Why did you not move back after you turned 18? Don't spend any more time in that toxic waste dump of your mom and sister. ETA: NTA.

The OP responded here:


Thank you. I did move back, I lived with my grandparents all throughout my college. I believe you have a good idea about the airplane mode.


It is not up to you to keep your mom sane. If you don't want to spend your holidays with people who make you miserable, you shouldn't. And why don't your grandparents spend time with your mom? They can see firsthand how awful it is. Maybe you should spend the holidays with friends instead. NTA.

Two months later, the OP returned with an update.

"Update: AITA For telling my mom I won’t be the good kid for 'free' anymore?"


Christmas went unexpectedly well, but not for the reasons one would think. I ended up not saying anything harsh to my mother. I staid with my grandparents as long as I could then made the three hour drive up to mother and stepdad.

My stepdads family has always been so kind and treated me like family, so I enjoyed going over there and spending time with them. My mother and stepdad left the get together early on Christmas Eve.

Come to find out, my sister had opened all of her gifts earlier that day before I got there. When she realized she didn’t get everything she wanted, she took a couple of my presents and threw them in the pool.

Luckily I asked for a lot of cat toys for my cats, and those are the things she threw in and they were fine after they dried. I spent the night with my mother and stepdad while my sister stayed with her aunt and cousins, and I opened my presents peacefully on Christmas morning before heading to see my dad.

All things considered, it was a nice holiday compared to the others we’ve had. What comes after is unfortunately not an improvement. It seems like my sisters behavior is on a steady decline. For some context, last year my sister messaged me with a picture of her with a fat lip saying our mom hurt her.

I was so angry, I called her aunt to pick her up and told her she was not allowed to go back and if they had a problem I would call the cops. When talking to my mother she had a severe black eye where my sister had attacked her. I didn’t care who started it, I just thought it should never have had to escalate to that.

She spent the summer with her aunt, cps investigated and found no abuse in the home. Both my mom and sister went to therapy. My sister wanted to go back to her parents before school started. Now, presently, my sister has learned that she can abuse our mom and get away with it.

I have gotten three phone calls where I’ve seen my mom with black eyes, scratches, or marks from my sister. I’ve witnessed her snatch a wig off my mothers head and ripped her hair out.

My mother lacks confidence because her husband insults her on the daily, and my sister will destroy anything that could bring her confidence. Ive witnessed her pour Starbucks into my moms makeup bag, cut her wig, etc. She’s thrown glass mugs at my mother too.

The last phone call I got from my mother was her with another black eye, and she said that my stepdad tried to spank my sister but she just “rolled her eyes.” Apparently he took her phone away too, but only for two hours.

My stepdad does not stand up for my mother, and she has no power and no money to enforce over my sisters head. My sister says they can’t do anything either, or she’ll call cps on them.

When my mother called me this last time I basically just shrugged and told her I didn’t know what else to tell her. Send her to boot camp, a mission trip, turn off her phone, something!

But it’s all things I’ve said before. I’ve toyed with the idea of getting the law involved, but how seriously do they take child to parent abuse? WIBTA if I did that? Any advice is appreciated, and thanks for reading my vent post.

Here were the top rated comments from readers after reading the latest update from the OP:


This is not your problem to solve. Her parents need to handle it, and you need to stay out of it and stop being "the fixer." They created this mess and it's up to them to deal with the consequences. No one made them be bad parents, they chose to do that themselves. They screwed around in raising her badly, and now they're in their "finding out" era. Sucks to be them.


Not your monkey, you've left that circus. And you're sister is probably either going to juvie or jail in a few years. So don't get pulled back in. NTA.


Whenever your mom brings this up, this is your best response: Hmmm….that doesn’t sound pleasant, what are you going to do about it? It puts the onus back on her to be responsible for her decisions and their consequences.

At this point, she needs to be given a bit of tough love. You are not to give her options on what to do about your sister. You are not to give advice about it. Your mother is an adult too. And her decisions have consequences.

She knows what she should do. Give yourself some distance from this. Take a break from your mom. You won’t be made to feel guilty for doing nothing when your mom holds the power here.


Thanks for the update. Here is hoping your 'sister' pulls that shit on someone else and is sent to a juvenile detention center for the rest of her minority. If someone doesn't knock her down off that high horse before she is an adult the repercussions will be far worse.


Protect yourself. I would suggest looking for a job on the other side of the country so you are no longer involved.


OP, I mean this as nicely as I can, it's time to cut contact and stop giving any of them the time of day. I grew up in an abusive, toxic home. My mom used a robbery and subsequent mental health as an excuse to lie, bully, cheat and worse. My dad is a shell of a person he used to be who complains about mom's treatment but won't leave and make a change.

My younger sister has grown up to be a perfect storm mixture of both of them. And I grew up with issues setting boundaries and not being a people pleaser. I grew up raising my sister because mom was gone so much and sad didn't know what the hell to do.

Everything that you have included in your posts matches my childhood and I am so sorry you've gone through this. I'm so beyond proud of you for getting out and getting into therapy to start your healing process. But the more you listen to these people, the more you put yourself into these situations, the worse it I'll be for you and your health.

Your mother chose this life. Your mother chose to raise your sister the way she did. As horrible as it sounds, you need to stay out of it and let her figure it out. Your sister is not your child. Your mother is not your child. Neither of them are your responsibility. Stop letting them treat you as an out. Stop letting them take advantage and guilt you into visiting.

It's hard, trust me I know. But you need to honestly accept that you cannot help people who do not want to be helped. You need to accept that these people are not your responsibility to care for. Until you do, you're mental health will not get better. You will not be able to heal until you put your foot down.

So no. YWNBTA is you got the law involved or cut contact. It's time to free yourself of this and let someone take over that specializes in it. It's time for you to move on and let yourself heal. You should be your priority. Not your mom and sister.

So, do you think the OP in the right here? If you could give them any advice, what would you tell them?

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