Daughter rips up photo of deceased mom; brother says, 'never speak to me again.' AITA?
"AITA for telling my brother I blame him and his wife for their daughter's actions?"
InterestingMap6360
My brother has two kids. His son Jory is 15 and his daughter Emily is 7. Jory's mom died weeks after Emily was born. My brother and Jory's mom were long since divorced and he primarily lived with her until her death. Jory went through a lot in a very short period of time.
Jory's maternal family are a very present part of Jory's life. This was something my brother and his wife disapproved of but allowed because my parents and I told them it was not about them or Emily but about Jory and how he lost his mom.
Their attitude did not change and it did influence Emily somewhat, I believe. She adores Jory and is very jealous that he goes away for hours and sometimes overnight to be with his family. She's jealous that he's not someone who keeps photos but has one of his mom in his room, in a special frame.
Mostly she's a little girl who wants her older (half) brother's attention. She thinks he's the greatest person in the world. But sometimes I feel like she hears too much of what her parents think.
Two months ago there was an incident at my brother's house. Jory didn't want to spend time with Emily and was reading a letter his mom wrote to him before she died. Emily pushed and was told to get out of his room.
She was angry and from what I can piece together my brother and his wife did not talk her down. When Jory left the room Emily went inside and broke the frame and tore up the photo of Jory's mom. Jory walked in as she was still tearing the photo up.
Jory yelled at Emily and Emily cried and said she was mad and wanted him to spend time with her but he picked a letter over her. My brother walks in and tells Jory to stop yelling at his sister and goes to console Emily.
Both my brother and his wife decide it's not a big issue. Jory disagrees and they argue. Emily went back to Jory's room later and says she's sorry but Jory ignores her and she cried and said she just wanted him to not love his mom more.
He told her he didn't love her and would always love his mom more and he would never forgive her for what she did, that he did not want her as his sister and she needed to get out of his room and not speak to him again.
Things got intense between my brother and Jory and Jory left and went to stay with his maternal grandparents. My brother tried to stop him but his wife said she didn't want Jory around Emily if he was going to be so hateful.
Jory is still with his grandparents. My brother thought Jory would have "seen sense" and calmed down. I said he couldn't expect Jory to see it as a minor issue. My brother was like I couldn't seriously be blaming a 7 year old for acting out the way she did.
I said no, I blamed him and his wife, that they are the parents and handled it all badly and likely fed into Emily's jealousy with their attitude that Jory shouldn't see his family. I said I hold them accountable for that and then for acting like Jory had no right to be mad. My brother believes I'm the one who is wrong and being an a** to him and his wife. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
ThatsAbuse
NTA. Destroying other people's personal stuff is not okay and a teachable lesson Emily should have learned right there and then. It's obvious Emily is getting away with bad behavior because it's their biological child.
Samarkand457
Emily doesn't know it yet. But she absolutely destroyed any hint of relationship she might have had with Jory and likely any relationship with his father as well. Tearing up that picture was the equivalent of using a sledgehammer on his mom's headstone. The stepmother might have been sensing that tensions were high enough that it...well, it's just yelling now.
klurtin
Jory needs to stay with his maternal grandparents where he and his belongings are respected. Living with your brother/his father will not improve until your brother’s attitude changes and it does not sound like it will. Sound like you’ve been very supportive of Jory. NTA.
BlueGreen_1956
NTA Emily certainly CAN be blamed for what she did. She may be 7 but she knew exactly what she was doing. Emily should have been PUNISHED. If his maternal grandparents are willing to have him, Jory should stay with them permanently. Jory has an evil stepmother and a useless father.
happybanana134
NTA. I feel really angry for Jory. His stepmother has zero empathy and both his parents are enabling some bloody awful behaviour from Emily. You told them straight and that was the right thing to do.
ABeerAndABook
NTA. Anyone that's not team Jory here is an AH. Yes, Emily is a child but she needed some real consequences and explanations in this situation. Speaking of AHs, brother and wife need to pull their heads out of each others.
Status_Space
NTA. Your brother and his wife should have intervened long ago. There's no reason they shouldn't have created an environment where it's safe and normal to remember Jory's mom as a family, and include Emily in those memories, to help Emily understand how important that is to Jory, and also to counsel Jory on how to make his sister feel included and loved.
They dropped the ball on the whole deal, and Emily's reaction was cruel. She's little, but plenty old enough to be faced with the consequences of her actions, and take steps to make it up to him. Overall your brother and his wife should be ashamed. Jory's reaction here is totally understandable.