Here's the original post:
I (f29) met my fiancé(m35) 5 year ago, he had a 2 year old daughter who he has shared custody of with his ex wife (f40).
I always admired his friendship with his ex and how they’re raising their daughter amicably. The first Christmas he told me that he was going to spend it with his ex-wife and baby. He stays the whole three days 24-26. I didn’t even think about it because we we’re been dating for some months only. I usually fly home to my parents on Christmas anyway.
This happened every Christmas afterwards and I was fine. He proposed to me in February. Yesterday he asked me if I was going to buy my flight to my parents early so I don’t need to pay 3-4 times the cost if I buy it around Christmas. I was surprised. I told him that I thought that we could do Christmas together this year.
He said what? We (his ex and he) always celebrate Christmas together for the daughters sake. I told him that it was not ok now we are engaged to be married. I asked him why they don’t do alternate Christmases or days like other divorced couples but he said no we promised to make out daughters life as normal as possible.
I started thinking after his words. I don’t know how this will work in the future, after 5 years together I’m still shipped away every Christmas and I know its for the little girl who I adore but I feel sick to my stomach. I think I want to end the relationship but he thought I was being so selfish and horrible. I feel horrible too but I don’t see any future with him.
Fiancé just got home and showed me a text he got from his ex. He told her basically that he was planning to include me in this Christmas. Her answer was long and harsh saying that I wasn’t really family yet and that she wasn’t comfortable with a stranger in her house. Then she accused him of being weak and prioritizing a woman over his daughter who’s in a sensitive age now.
So he asked me that maybe not this year, but next year I’m definitely family because we will be married and his ex won’t have any other excuses I feel more conflicted now. Could I stay another year and hope it gets better? Or should I just cut my losses when he obviously isn’t trying to support me? I know it’s his daughter he’s thinking of and he doesn’t want to make waves. But I feel like I’m nothing right now.
This is strange for long term. Have a serious discussion about what the future looks like. Once you have a family the dynamics will change for his daughter and your future children. If he is planning on factoring in the exs opinion long term you gotta move on now
So... did you ASK to go with him to spend Christmas with his child and he said no?
NTA. What's his plan for when you are married and have kids? Is he just going to abandon them each xmas?
So if you guys have kids together he will never spend Christmas with them? Ok... I would agree with you. This is a deal breaker.
NTA. He's already told you that your kids with him will come AFTER his EX WIFE. There are things you can work through, this is not one of them. He's still married. Throw the whole man away.
Do you plan on having kids with him? I’m not sure how that would work. I understand prioritizing his daughter, but he needs to figure out a better solution. Either switch to every other year or let you come with him. You say his ex doesn’t want you there then it would have to be alternate years.
He needs to also prioritize you. Every Christmas without your husband sounds depressing. I would let him know exactly how you feel, ask him to find a solution. If he refuses then you will know how much he actually cares about you and your feelings. NTA
NTA. What does he expect when you have kids. Ship you all off to your family while he visits his ex and daughter. Will he never have a Christmas with you or future kids. Why can't they split holidays or do early/later Christmas with his daughter. Totally being insensitive to you as well. Doesn't respect you.
Give him the ring back. Let him decide what he wants to do. The reality is, he can not continue to do what he is doing if he wants to move on with his life. It'd be one thing if you lived in the same city. You could do Christmas Eve with dad and you and Christmas Day with mom and whomever she is dating
The Ex is doing this on purpose. You know it. I know it. Everyone reading this knows it. She doesn't want him to move on...either because she wants him back or because she is toxic and doesn't want him to be happy. And she is using the kid as a means to manipulate him
There is no path forward for your relationship until he stands up for himself and says he has a right to move on with his life...and then takes his ex wife to court to set up a legally binding custody agreement for holidays. Which is something he already should have done. NTAH
I want to know what happens if the ex wife gets a new bf? Pretty sure no man would date a woman who spends 3 days at Christmas with her ex husband. This is weird on so many levels and absolutely NOT healthy for the child currently involved.
My fiancé and I have been in constant conversation about what happened and I have sensed that he is basically terrified of rocking the boat.
I don’t know if he is scared of his ex or something but he kept saying that his daughter is the one who’s going to pay should he and his ex start fighting. Anyway he said that he understands that this wasn’t an ultimate solution and that he and I are a family now. He said he will talk to his ex about new arrangement.
He’s done that now and told the ex that he wanted Christmas at our house this year, as per their custody agreement, Christmas and other holidays should be on alternate years with each parent. And that she’s welcome to spend Christmas eve with us since she doesn’t feel comfortable with having me at her house.
She called him about 100 times screaming and hauling insults at him, telling him he was a moron choosing me over his own daughter and that he is a worthless coward and a piece of garbage.
He stopped answering her after a while. She sent him email last night that she’s going to talk to her lawyer to get full custody and threatening that he will never see his daughter again.
I was shocked because I have never seen her escalate like this and I feel guilty for starting this whole thing. I apologized to my fiancé but he said that it wasn’t my fault and that he knew this would happen but that it was time to take this battle as he always knew he would need to sooner or later.
He didn’t sleep and has been sad but he said he wasn’t worried about her threats because she can’t do anything but he hates that she is probably gonna use his daughter against him when he promised himself to never do that.
He said he has been compliant all these years for his daughter’s sake bur he always knew this day was coming when he can’t just be a doormat anymore
tonidh69 offered this sage advice, which hopefully she takes:
Get a lawyer. Don't block her. Only communicate thru text, or recorded calls. Start a time-line of every communication. Keep all evidence. Good luck