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'AITA for refusing to contribute to my brother's wedding?' UPDATED 2X

'AITA for refusing to contribute to my brother's wedding?' UPDATED 2X


"AITA for not contributing to my older brother's wedding?"

A little backstory for setup. I was widowed a little over a year ago. My husband had a substantial life insurance policy as well as a successful business that I have recently sold. I have no financial issues. I can raise my daughter without worry. My older brother proposed to his girlfriend back in January. She's nice and seems to love my brother. We have had no issues in the past.

Recently, my Dad and stepmom decided to have a family dinner on their outdoor patio to discuss my brothers wedding. With my FSILs parents in attendance so they could all get on the same page.

I tried to dip out because wedding planning isn't my thing (I eloped) but was told my presence was requested by FSIL. My step mom said she thought I was going to be asked to be a bridesmaid. (Which would have been a NO but that's beside the point).

Dinner was uneventful but afterwards my FSIL pulls out a 3 ring binder and starts handing out "information packets" about her wedding. When and where she wanted it, pictures of dresses she was considering, colors, ideas for catering, pictures of cakes, everything a well prepared bride could come up with.

My favorite page was the list of expenses. How much she expected everyone to contribute. Her Dad, her mom and stepdad, my dad and stepmom, my brothers Mom, and ME. I said "You expect me to contribute? That's hilarious" I was met with a stern gaze from my brother. "Oh my God, you're serious. Yeah, that's not happening"

Cue the meltdown from the bride to be. Her Dad speaks up and tells her that she was already told that combined between both him and her Mom and Stepdad, she would be given $70,000 to do what she wanted. Just like they did for her sister. She started crying.

My dad chimes in and says "Yeah, between the 3 of us, we will pay for a nice rehearsal dinner for like 30 people and an open beer and wine bar at the reception. That's it." She started screaming. Like holding her hands over her ears and screaming" Why is everyone trying to ruin my life? "

So I said "This is where I leave" She stands up and comes to me and gets in my face, telling me how it's all my fault.I have money so I should be willing to spend it on her because she's going to be "family".

I just laughed,looked at my brother and said "Good luck with all that" and walked out. My FSIL blew my phone up for 2 days, calling me names and telling me how awful I am. I haven't talked to my brother but my Dad said the wedding planning has been put on hold while she reevaluates whether she wants to marry into a selfish family. LMAO

I know in my heart I'm NTA but a friend seems to think I should contribute just to keep the peace. Which I don't really care about at this point and my Dad and stepmom agree with me. My other siblings do too but are trying to stay out of it.

EDIT: Because people keep asking On top of the 70k her parents were willing to contribute, she wanted 50k from my Dad and Brother's Mom snd 30k from me. Yes, $150k for a wedding. Also, I think she had originally asked her parents for $80,000

EDIT 2: My stepmom says she has some things to telle either tomorrow or Wednesday, whenever we can catch up. So.if there is anything to update I DEFINITELY will.

EDIT 3: To the commenters saying I.probably could have been nicer when this happened, I can appreciate that. However I was taken by surprise and being nice was the furthest thing from my mind. I showed a great deal.of restraint because her parents were there and I had never met them before. If they hadn't been there would have been a lot of cursing. A LOT.

Also to the ones who messaged me and asked, my daughter was spending some time with my inlaws. She hadn't seen them much since lockdown began except over video chat. If she had been home, I probably wouldn't have gone at all.

What do you think? Should she just contribute some cash to "keep the peace"? This is what top commenters had to say:

useless-millenial said:

NTA. Is she...ok? Like? That sort of response to such an obviously outrageous request is crazy. Does she need medical help??

[deleted] said:

NTA obviously and I’d just tell your brother that he should set aside the money from his family for a divorce lawyer. I’m so sorry your husband died.

PurplePoppy12345 said:

NTA. Your Future sister in law is a whiney brat. I hope your brother sees sense and ditches her, as this is just the start if he continues on her crazy train.

Svuroo said:

NTA Who wants "family" that shows up with a bill for 30k for their party? Nope.

Later, OP shared this update on the situation:

So my stepmom wanted to talk to me and she and I had a chat yesterday. The first thing she said was that my brother wanted to get together and talk this out. Which we did today. More on that later.... My stepmom told me that she and my dad had seen FSIL act like a brat a few times towards my brother but never anything like that night at dinner.

My dad told my brother that what happened was completely ridiculous and both he and her owed me major apologies. He also let my brother know that he now has apprehensions about my brother getting married to her. And he wanted my brother to really think about what he wanted. And that if he decided to marry her anyway, he doesn't know how much of our family would attend.

My Dad did apologize to me if I felt like he didn't defend me to her. He just said that he was so shocked about what went on that he couldn't react. My Dad and I are fine.

As for my brother... Its sort of uneventful. We met for lunch at my Dads house today. When I walked in, he tried to hug me but I wasn't having it. He did apologize. Sincerely I believe. He told me that he knew about all the wedding stuff she had prepared but not the "expense sheet" and that he had told her weeks ago what his parents were willing to pay for and that she could not ask me for money.

When I started laughing, he knew that she didn't listen to him and he was pissed but didn't want to cause a scene in front of everyone. He went on to say that when they left, he blew up on her and she told him that she couldn't believe that he was ok with his family being so selfish and it escalated from there with her packing a bag and going to a hotel because her parents said she couldn't go to their house.

I asked him where they stood now and he just shrugged. I asked if he still wanted to marry her but before he answered, I said that I didn't care. It was his life and he could do what he wanted but I (and my daughter whom he adores) would absolutely not be there.

And if he did marry her that our relationship would change forever. I would never ask my Dad to choose between us and that I am perfectly capable of being civil to him at family events but that was it. I did hug him when he left and told him that I hope this all has the outcome he can live with.

And I may actually be the asshole now, but I really don't care. I'm ok with how it ended. I don't want an apology from her. She means nothing to me now. I feel like this is over and I can let it go. Thanks again for everyone's input.

You're welcome!!!!!

Sources: Reddit
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