'AITA for not helping my half-sister after she was kicked out?' UPDATED 3X
Buckle up! This one's a roller coaster.
For clarity, the abbreviations used by OOP are:
HS = half-sister
BM = biological mother
Rando = BM's current husband
GM = maternal grandmother
AP = HS's bio father
RO = restraining order
TO = no trespassing order
TRO = temporary restraining order
"AITAH for not helping my half-sister?"
Here's the original post:
My half-sister (HS) and I have no real relationship. Background: My dad divorced our mother when I was 5 and HS was still 4, but going on 5. HS was the product of my mother's affair and born exactly nine months after me.
My dad stayed with my mother up until I, at 5, told him about the man my mother kept bringing over when he wasn't home - that would be HS's father. My dad gave my mother the house in exchange for removing his name from HS's birth certificate.
He paid her child support for me up until I was 8 and my mother abandoned me during her week because her AP didn't want to take a child that wasn't his to visit his family for the holidays anymore and HS pretty much hated me because her grandpa supposedly liked me better.
Dad tried to be civil and make sure I had a relationship with HS after that, but I didn't want anything to do with her either, so I never spent time with her after that. HS herself would say she didn't have a sister, so I never claimed her.
Recently, HS called me. I don't know how she got my number, but she was sobbing about "our mom" kicking her out of the house and not wanting anything to do with her now that she's married to (random name) - don't know who he is. I just hung up on her to be honest and she started texting me that she really needs her sister's help.
She says she has nowhere else to go, her father cut contact awhile ago and no one is willing to come up to get her (she lives six hours away from where I live, which I guess is easy to figure - I live next door to my dad). I'm a bit torn because when she called again, I told her we're not actually sisters and I'm not coming to get her nor am I giving her a place to stay until she's back on her feet. Then I hung up again.
I blocked her number, but she's been calling from other numbers and now I have people from my mother's family telling me I'm an awful sister and I should be more understanding because I was once the child that got kicked out. I just need some insight because I want to know if I'm in the wrong or if I should've gone about it differently. AITA?
Most commenters agreed she's "NTA." Here are some top comments:
BimboTwitchBarbie said:
NTA-tell those people that they should take her in if it matters that much to them.
gufiutt said:
NTA — your mother’s family has a lot of nerve. Are any of them stepping forward to help your HS out? Ultimately, you don’t owe her anything due to some shared genetics.
At the same time, do you want to act the same way she did. I’d definitely be cautious bringing someone into my home that I didn’t trust enough to not rob me blind, etc. you know her better than we do. If you do decide to be the change you would like to see in the world just be certain to lay out all of the possible ground rules ahead of time.
And VeritasB said:
NTA, but it's a bit sus that no one seems ready to step in and help your HS, what did she do to get kicked out?
Four days after her original post, she shared this update on the situation:
"They dropped her off at my house (rant)"
4 days ago, I made my account and contemplated asking if I was an AH for something. My half sister (HS) had called me crying, saying "our" mother kicked her out and she really needs her sister. I hung up the first time and when she kept calling and texting, I told her we're not actually sisters and I wasn't driving six hours to pick her up nor letting her stay with me.
I've been getting nonstop texts and calls from my maternal family since then. My maternal grandmother, the only person I stayed in any contact with, pretty much begged me to "be a good sister" and let HS stay with me - she told HS I have my own house, gave her my number, etc.
I've blocked my grandmother and everyone saying that I should be understanding because we've both been abandoned by our mother. It isn't the same, I told my grandmother this, but no one seems willing to acknowledge that.
For context, HS and I are exactly 9 months apart in age. She's the product of an affair and my dad stayed with my biological mother (BM) until I was 5 and told him she kept bringing a man around when he wasn't home - her affair partner (AP) and HS's biological dad. Dad divorced BM and gave her the house in exchange for removing his name from HS's birth certificate.
BM lost custody of me when I was 8 after abandoning me because AP didn't want to bring a child that wasn't his to family gatherings. Dad tried to keep it civil so I could have a relationship with HS, but she was a mini-AP and never viewed me as a sister. I didn't like being around her, so my dad never forced me to.
BM, AP, and HS moved not long after this - BM had been in childcare and lost her job because no one wants to hire you to watch their kids when you abandon yours in the middle of the night...
I haven't seen HS in 17 years. I didn't know what she looked like until I came home today. She was sitting on my porch with a suitcase and a car, I think my grandmother's, pulled off as soon as I parked. I didn't get out of the car, I was too angry to even move and I'm still angry right now.
She kept saying she needs me and started crying, telling me that "our mom" was awful, her dad cut contact, and BM's nee partner doesn't want her in his house.
I live next door to my dad, so when HS started knocking on my car window after I just stared at her, I called him and told him what was going on and ask what I should do. Dad told me to stay in my car and call the cops, say I had a trespasser, which I did. I didn't get out until the cops came and when they did, HS told them I agreed to let her stay and now I'm leaving her homeless.
I just showed them the texts, specifically the only texts I gave in response to everyone demanding U let her stay - "no" to you have the space; "no" to she's your sister; "no" to can she PLEASE stay with you.
Nothing but refusals before I blocked people. When HS kept saying we're sisters, I told the cops I haven't seen "this woman" in 17 years - I don't know her, I didn't even know what she looked like. We're not family beyond sharing an egg donor.
I went as far as unblocking my grandmother and calling her. I didn't even get to speak. She said/yelled - "Look, OP, I love you, but you need to get over this! She's family and she needs you and I've told your father you'd go to hell if he raised you to be so damn selfish and you definitely will because she's going through the same thing you went through!"
She hung up right after and I told the cops they can book HS or drop her at a shelter - I don't care. I just want her off my property. They took her and now I'm sitting here on my dad's couch wondering what the hell just happened. He doesn't want me staying alone right now in case they show back up.
I'm so pissed right now, I don't get it. 17 damn years of no contact, I only speak to my grandmother on holidays, I don't know most of the aunts and uncles and cousins that blew up my phone, but because BM pushed me out I have to do what they tell me to.
I'm 25 years old. I've only had my dad and my paternal family for years. BM and her family haven't done crap for me, none of them even know when my damn birthday is because even my grandmother TEXTS me on the wrong day - not even a phone call.
If HS needs help so badly, one of YOU should help her! I don't know her, I don't know any of you either. I'm not letting an entire stranger into my house! And 6 hours is too far to visit when I had surgery, but not too far to try and force me to do something!?
Commenters weighed in on this update:
gromit1991 said:
Yes, the maternal side of your family should be helping out here and taking her in. Not your responsibility.
JaviAraneo said:
"she's going through the same thing you went through" Yes, an eight-year-old child being abandoned by a mother is the same as an adult in her 20s being cut off. Sure, grandma.
And SnooWords4839 said:
Oh FFS! Go one step further and ask for a restraining order! Get cameras for your home!
Unfortunately, the situation continued to escalate. OP posted this second update:
I checked the camera footage last night/this morning. HS and BM's mother had been looking under mats, rocks, in potted plants, the mailbox, and checking the doors. Probably were looking for a spare - I don't keep one on my property and my dad, grandma, and grandpa have keys they keep with theirs. My uncle did an overhaul of mine and dad's cameras.
We now have ones that send notifications to our phones when motion is detected. Also got ring doorbells for the front and back doors. There are other features and all the cameras are better hidden as well. I went to the police department while he was doing this and brought my grandpa with me.
HS was booked for trespassing, but not held very long since BM's mother picked her up from the station. They stuck to the lie of me offering HS a place to stay and gave statements. Not sure how that's going to go, but I'm taking steps to protect myself, my property, and my dad and his property.
HS doesn't have a record beyond this, so this was her first offense. I don't know how I feel about that tbh. It sounds awful, but I had hoped she would have at least one prior because commenters make it seem like that would make the outcome of a permanent RO and TO favorable.
BM's mother DOES have a record though. Harassment, trespassing, and domestic violence. I shared this with the police as well.
Either way, I was able to get a temporary restraining order today, so there's that. I gave the camera footage to the police alongside copies of the texts (printed out and on USB), gave a statement, and they called a judge to get the TRO issued.
I talked with them about other things like self-defense recommendations, overhauling my security system, getting a gun for protection, and so on. I was really anxious and just kept talking because it finally hit me that these people know where I live and they're willing to make the 6 hours to harass me and get inside my home.
The texts and voice-messages haven't stopped (I unblocked and muted). There are direct and indirect threats. BM's mother is adamant that since I have an entire house to myself, a stable job, and no children, I "will" be housing HS or she'd give me the @ss-whopping my dad should've.
HS has only left one voice-message about coming over later today and that she's staying with me because "that's what blood does, they help." When there was no response, she sent multiple texts telling me I need to be more understanding, that she's in a tough spot, and that she's moving in "for at least a week" until she's able to support herself (it's 7 days to gain tenancy here).
Additional clarification for people asking about the age gap. I'm a February 1st baby, HS is a November 29th baby. I say "exactly" 9 months because I'm not counting the weeks and days - just felt that people knowing we're the same age was relevant and gave context to why I have no relationship with her.
I don't know if she was premature. I never asked tbh and there are people saying they have similar gaps around them, so I have nothing to add. Multiple people also asked if I hate HS and that I sound resentful for things she said as a child and for things her parents did.
In my first post, I talked to someone in the comments and admitted that had this been a few years earlier, I may have helped HS without much thought. I know as children, she was just parroting her parents. I don't fault her for that nor do I blame her for BM abandoning me.
But it's been 17 years. We've been legal adults for 7 of those years. She could've reached out at any point, but didn't and said she had no sister. I also could've reached out at any point, but also didn't. I just moved on with my life - I was in therapy since I was abandoned and it took me years to move on from no one on that side actually wanting me.
Now she's making herself a problem. BM's mother aside, HS was sitting on my porch with a suitcase ready to force herself into my home and life. She allowed herself to be driven 6 hours to my home, sat on my porch for half an hour, and then lied to police all after I said no multiple times.
She never claimed me until she needed something and now she's forcing herself into my life on the basis of being family. I don't hate her, that's too much energy, but I do resent her now alongside her grandmother and the rest of her family. I was ignored for YEARS and now I feel unsafe in my own home just because HS and those around her can't take "no" for an answer.
This isn't about BM's affair, this is about HS and her family ruining my safe space, my home, with their crap. The past is a factor in that resentment now because, again, I haven't spoken to her in 17 years, I didn't know what she looked like, but suddenly we're sisters because she needs someplace to stay. I definitely resent that.
Also, I feel validated in my choices - posting to Reddit, asking for and taking advice, listening to my dad. The attorney I spoke to pretty much said all the same things commenters have.
Unblocking and muting to get and evidence of harassment. Calling the cops and showing them the messages because it proves there was no implied invitation. This is apparently the biggest thing I had to worry about because even letting HS stay on my porch could've worked against me.
Giving the cops the camera footage of HS and BM's mother looking for a spare key was also a good move. Even going about upgrading security, getting self-defense items, and asking the officers about self-defense recommendations and my wish to get a gun for protection works in my favor - it shows that even though this was HS's first offense, I don't feel safe and she's a major cause of that. And I don't.
So thank you again for all the advice. If they show up like they said, I'm gonna set off my security system and call the cops.
Last week, she posted this final update: "I'm alive and well." (Phew!)
No major updates today. Texts and calls have all stopped, my entire neighborhood is on alert, and the family rotation continues. One of my friends stayed last night and a different friend agreed to stay tonight. Today will be spent with my aunt (the one with the keychain and fisticuff bracelet) and grandma.
No one showed up at my house in the middle of the night. I'm following the advice of multiple people, the first being about making an "FU" binder. My aunt suggested making transcripts of all the saved voice-messages, which I think is a pretty good addition to this to go along with the USB drive of them. So that'll be part of what I do today.
The second piece of advice I have saved is about documenting every day, even if nothing happens, in a spiral notebook. I started on this immediately.
Will also be recording when I go to and from work or anywhere tbh. Also, multiple people on the door screws - that was among the first things done when I brought the house! And my windows were all changed on purchase as well. They're impact windows, so it'll take a lot of effort to break them.
My uncle has always been big on home safety, so he did all of that with me. Even though I'm next door to my dad and fairly close to the rest of the family, he always says I'm still a woman alone in a house - you can never be too safe.
I feel a bit better with all the advice offered. If anyone is having similar trouble, take the advice offered in the comments. It really helped and I'm grateful for all the help. Holiday vacations has officially been canceled and refunded (always invest in travel insurance!)
Good luck, OP!