'AITA for refusing to stop seeing my daughter after she married her sister's ex?' UPDATED

"AITA for refusing to stop seeing my daughter after she married her sister's ex?"

I 56F and my husband Kurt 59M have 2 daughters, Ruth 32 and June 30. 8 years ago, Ruth split up with her college boyfriend, Adam 32. They'd been together since she was 20/21 and it was as serious as a college relationship could be. About 5 years ago, June announced that she reconnected with Adam at some alumni get together (they'd all gone to the same university) and that they were now dating.

Of course, Kurt and I were shocked she would do this despite her sister's history with him. But she insisted that they were in love and she can't help that, and that Ruth and Adam hadn't been together in years so she hasn't done anything wrong. Ruth understandably was enraged over it.

She said she was done with June and would never see her again. This broke me, they were so close growing up and I prayed every day they'd reconcile, but I accepted they're adults who can make their own choices and we have no say.

Kurt and I were also very disappointed with June and told her off many times, but after she proved that there was never any cheating involved while Ruth and Adam were together, things between us settled down. Out of respect for Ruth's feelings, we never brought the girls together again. Ruth and June visit us separately and still aren't on speaking terms after 5 years, but we maintained our relationships.

Now, June and Adam are married. Ruth has also moved on with a lovely boy. Coincidentally, both girls are expecting their first child (Ruth's due date is a little earlier). I can't put into words how excited we are to be grandparents and ADORE both these children. I've been supportive and as involved with both our daughters' pregnancies as they want.

However last week Ruth drops a bomb on us. She said that if we ever see June again or her baby, she won't allow us in her child's life. This shattered me. It's kept me up every night. The thought of either of my grandchildren being deprived of loving grandparents is agonizing.

I know Ruth was deeply hurt by June's actions, but I don't know if we should be punished just for not cutting our kid off. How can any parent even consider disowning a child? We begged her to reconsider and said our love for them both isn't conditional and we can't just stop loving one, but she's adamant.

I don't want to accept Ruth's terms, as it seems like no matter what we decide, we're going to lose a daughter and grandchild. So I'd rather it not happen because we outright chose it. But I also don't want Ruth to believe we'd just drop her in favor of June, because again, the thought crushes me. WIBTA if I don't comply with Ruth's ultimatum?

What do you think she should do?! This is what top commenters had to say:

jenkinsburns said:

NTA. She's just making a final bid for control and using the baby as leverage. What happened to Ruth sucks, but she shouldn't be trying to take out her feelings on you guys, who sound like loving parents. Tell her that you don't like the ultimatum and leave the door open should she change her mind.

Jorbarip said:

NTA. Tell Ruth that you will never turn your back on any of your children and that she is making the choice to not be a part of your life. Let her know that your door is always open, and as much as it hurts, continue to send cards, christmas and birthday presents to your grandchild.

She will most likely come around, but even if she doesn’t, you will know that you kept the lines of communication open while respecting her boundaries.

bmoreCurious85 said:

NTA. So Ruth dated someone from 21-24, and June dated the same guy about 3 years later when Ruth was 27. Is it awkward, yes? The best idea? No.

But they managed to love each other enough to have a kid and get married. Ruth can make the choice she wants, but she’s cutting herself off from the family, not you for wanting a relationship with your daughters. Was Ruth’s breakup over some big drama? Or just realized they weren’t a match?

[deleted] said:

NTA. If Ruth wants nothing to do with June and her family for the rest of her life, fine. You’ve honored that. But what does she think she’s accomplishing with this ultimatum, other than giving her husband cause to worry why she’s chosen to marry and have a family with him when she’s still hung up on punishing her ex?

If she can’t produce some actual reasons to kick Adam and June out of your life that wouldn’t make it more imperative for you to keep an eye on their kid’s well-being, this is not a demand you should take seriously beyond urging her to seek therapy.

About two weeks after her original post, she shared this update:

Hello again. Thank you for all the support and advice on my first post. A lot's happened so I think I should provide an update.

We followed the advice and told Ruth that if she decided to go NC, we would comply, but we could never willingly cut off either of them. We again begged her to reconsider and reiterated that we were willing to go do family therapy, that we would do all we could to keep her and June apart, anything to make it work.

She said she still wasn't happy June and her baby would stay in our lives, but she would think about it. Kurt and I also looked into opening an account for Ruth's child, but didn't go through with it yet in hopes that things could turn around.

Days went by, we didn't hear back from Ruth. It was agony. Then we get a call from June. She'd gotten wind of what was happening. She drove to Ruth's herself (no one put her up to this, she was just determined!).

She was prepared for Ruth to kick her out anyway. Once she was there, she apologized again and begged her not to do this. She said she could accept Ruth wanting nothing to do with her, but not to punish us because of it, especially since they both knew that cutting us off would cost her child loving grandparents.

Shockingly, Ruth didn't kick her out. She let her in and they both had a long tearful argument/fight. They even hugged a few times. I'm foggy on details, but I suspect pregnancy hormones played a huge role here (I can't tell you how panicked I was hearing this story, because it could have been so risky for them both!!).

They haven't exactly made up and Ruth didn't forgive June, but she admitted to her that her husband, Owen, has actually been trying to convince her to go to couples counseling & individual therapy as well.

Apparently since Ruth's pregnancy, some troubling qualities that he was able to manage previously were exacerbated. She was becoming controlling and paranoid and he was pleading with her to get help so they could be in a good place once the baby was born. June's visit was the final straw and Ruth broke down and agreed.

Ruth called us later (she corroborated June's story) and accepted our therapy offer. She still has one condition: she wants Owen there if June has to attend any sessions, and she doesn't want Adam present at all. We all agreed. The first session is in a few days. I can barely keep it together that I'll see both my babies in the same room for the first time in forever.

It's been so stressful, but I can finally see wom4 light. I haven't lost my daughters. Kurt and I are going to put everything into keeping our family together. I'm not going to be naive and assume everything will be fine now, but I'm hopeful.