Here's the original post:
So I’ve been married to my wife for 4 years. We have a medium sized apartment. For the last 2 months, my mother has been staying of and on in our guest room. My dad recently passed away and it’s hard for her to live in their house alone, so I’ve been letting her stay with us.
My wife and her have never particularly got along, but I expected her to understand why it’s important to me that she overlook this just for a little while. I mean she lost her husband of 40 years, she’s fragile and I really want to be able to do what I can to make her feel better.
My mom's presence has changed our routine a little bit. Mainly our nighttime routine. She’ll usually come knock on our door to talk. My wife hates this. Partially because it interrupts our intimacy. Usually when she’s over we just don’t make love.
So this past week I noticed my mom wasn’t coming in at night. So we had normal nighttime habits. Yesterday mom pulled me aside and told me that the sign I let my wife put on the door at night was disgusting and not something she ever needed to know. She also said it that she was very hurt that I don’t want to speak to her since I’m all she has left now.
I told her I had no idea what she was talking about. She said the sign is NSFW. I still had no idea and talked to my wife about it when she got home. She admitted to it. She said that she made a sign to keep my mom out of our hair at nights. On the sign was written, “Please do not disturb unless you want to see me [_______] your son”.
She thought it was funny and necessary but I was mad about it. I took the sign crumpled it up and tossed it in the garbage. I then went off on my wife about how inappropriate and embarrassing this was. She told me it’s my fault that we needed this and it’s just joke. I slept on the couch last night and she’s still pissed at me. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say:
YTA. You need to set boundaries with your mother and not let her intrude on your marriage. My mother is my best friend and when my father died after 46 years of marriage, she wouldn't dream of intruding on me like this. The sign might have been crass but it sounds like your wife has had enough.
YTA there’s 24 hours in the day and your mom can only seem to talk to you when it’s bedtime? I understand wanting to support your mother, but she’s going to be co dependent on you if you keep allowing her to stomp on boundaries. She’s already started to plant seeds of manipulation of “you’re all I have left”. Making you feel guilty.
My grandma lost my grandpa after 50 years of marriage. She moved houses, and developed her own routine so she could grow as a individual. She said change and not be dependent on others is what keeps her going. She misses my grandpa dearly but is happy where she is in life. Your mother needs to start finding herself again. In ways that don’t involve you.
YTA, look at that you went from being intimate on a daily basis to sleeping on the couch all because you couldn’t stand up to your mother. Next time tell your mother you need be intimate with your wife and you guys can chat in the morning.
Ps: I love your wife’s sign.
Some people asked our ages, I’m 26 and my wife is 25. We have no kids and are waiting until we save up some more money before we start trying for one. So I took a lot of the nicer comments here to heart so I took action.
First I sat down with my mother and tried to get to the route of this issue. She told me that she’s been doing this as she’s just been so lonely and she wants to feel connected to her only flesh and blood she has left.
This made me really feel for her so I went to my wife to apologize and try to negotiate something. My wife however, told me she that she doesn’t want my mom living here anymore. I tried to see if she could just let her stay one more weekends but she rejected.
Me and my wife sat her down and I told her that we felt like we needed more privacy from her so we asked her to leave for the time being. This set my mom off. She started crying and accusing my wife of trying to, her words, “break us up.”
I felt bad. Like awful I tried just talking to her and I wanted to get to the route of why she felt like she needed to be here. She said that now I’m her only flesh and blood alive, and if my wife keeps me wrapped around her finger with sex, I’ll forget all about her so she was trying to interrupt that.
She also was worried that if I get my wife pregnant, I’ll be too busy with her to see her again, and I’ll be stuck with my wife when I could do so much better. This made my wife very upset and I told my mom that I think she needed to leave then. The crying turned into full on bawling and yelling at my wife.
Eventually I was able to get her out. I told her that I don’t think it’s best that we speak until she gets over her issues with my wife. Now looking at this, I feel awful. I had a presences who actively wanted my wife gone and didn’t want us to be intimate or have couple time. And to top it off, I argued with my wife she wanted to remove said presence.
Like I said, I won’t be contacting my mother until she apologizes and my accepts it, and I don’t think she’ll be staying over anytime in the near future. I will also be spoiling my wife rotten until I can make this up to her.
“My two biggest worries are the fact that I only have one blood relative and the fear that my son may give me a grandchild.”
I’d be interested to see the wife’s story. These types of things are so common in JustNoMIL. It sounds to me like OOP moved his mom in without really discussing it with his wife, playing the “but she’s lonely” card. What some of these husband’s fail to look at is that this is he and his wife’s home. It’s their safe space.
Everyone is entitled to feel comfortable in their own home. MIL should never have been staying there without OOP and his wife having a private conversation about it and both of them agreeing. In addition, boundaries should have been set before she came in. I’d bet that MIL has probably made comments to the wife when OOP wasn’t there.
If she’s manipulative enough to intentionally block them from being intimate, she’s manipulative enough to have made comments or done things directly to the wife without OOP’s knowledge. She’s basically created a competition for OOP’s affection that isn’t necessary