'I heard my in-laws talking about getting my wife back together with her ex.' UPDATED

"I heard my in laws talking about getting my wife back together with her ex."

Here's the original post:

I'm sorry if I write something incorrectly, English is not my first language and i‘m pretty horrible at it. I (35m) have been with Abi (35f) for 13 years now, every day that goes by I love her more and more and we're even expecting our first baby. For the holidays we always stay two-three months visiting my wife's family but the problem is that this year all the family was really excited saying that "Alan" is coming.

In all the years in the family I never heard of an Alan and my wife didn't even cared about it so I tought it was just some cousin. But the famous Alan was my wife's ex and first love, the man lives in europe but Abi's family still have contact with him and even invited the man to the house now he's in the country

I tried to get along with Alan but the man just ignores me and takes every chance to get closer with my wife making jokes or talking about the past.

I didn't took it personal because I don't want to look jealous but lately he has been coming everyday to visit the family and Abi's family started comparing his accomplishments to mine, they're all big fans of Alan and I honestly feel jealous of that because they're treating him better than me.

Two days ago I heard my MIL and BIL talking about how how nice it would have been for Abi to stay with Alan because he's an smart man, what hurt me the most was hearing my BIL say that he can try to get Alan and Abi back together and my MIL just laughed saying that it would be good to go on a trip to Europe every year and not to the countryside with the "peasant"

(talking about me because I live in a farm with my wife just because she always dreamed to live in that kind of quiet environment.) In fact, now that I'm no longer blindfolded, I'm starting to notice how my BIL makes too many comments to my wife about how great Alan is although Abi never says kind things about Alan and I think she even treats him like he's a child.

I don't feel comfortable being here knowing that they see me as a dumb peasant and it's horrible to see how they try to include Alan in the family when they still treat me like I'm just a casual boyfriend of Abi's but my wife only sees her family these months of the year and I don't want to ruin that or put that kind of stress on her since she's pregnant.

I feel like I'm in some kind of rom-com but I'm in the role of the bad husband the protagonist leaves for the handsome CEO haha

What do you think he should do? This is what top commenters had to say about the situation:

WielderOfAphorisms said:

You and your wife should leave and seriously consider not visiting until this is cleared up. The disrespect I’d staggering.

SoulSearcherAU said:

They dated for two months out of high school, over a decade ago, your wife doesn’t care for him and has told you so. She even went so far as to say if the BIL loves him so much the BIL should f him. Tell your wife what you over heard. Tell her you are hurt that they called you a peasant.

It sounds like your wife is aware of their manoeuvring, doesn’t care, has a lovely life with you, living on a farm, which is what she aspired to, and to top it all off, she’s pregnant with your baby! Whilst their words are hurtful, your wife doesn’t care about Alan, and she’s explicitly told you that. Talk to her and come up with a plan together on how to move forward.

SunshineBear100 asked:

And what does your wife say?

And OP responded:

My wife just ignores Alan and when my BIL says those things Abi just says "If you like Alan that much then f him" And the conversation ends. When I found out it's her ex, she just said "ah, yes. I dated him for two months when I finished high school" And made a disgusted face, I couldn't ask more because she has been really tired with the pregnancy and don't want to stress her more.

fetgdry said:

Sounds like you need to have a conversation with your wife about this and tell her what your inlaws are saying. From her reaction it sounds like you don’t have any reason to worry, but you being disrespected by them is something she needs to also handle

And Signal_Historian_456 said:

Tell her what you heard and how you feel. This doesn’t need to stress her. They messed it up. And I don’t think she really wants to be around them knowing how their disrespectful sh!t makes you feel. It’s on them to accept this and work towards her.

Three days after his original post, he shared this update:

Nah, Just kidding. Thanks for all the advices I received! Many of them were very helpful and some were very weird ideas like record conversations with my MIL or have my wife choose between her family or me 😅 (maybe it's something cultural but I would never give an untimatum like that because TO ME it's a really low blow to do, here family is very important)

After making the post and reading the comments I decided to talk with Abi about what I heard, we were in our room and I talked about what her mother and brother said as calmly as possible, but the moment I finished telling everything, Abi just kissed my forehead and ran with her pregnant belly out of the bedroom to literally yell at everyone in the living room,

no one spoked beside an aunt who tried to justify them by saying that they were just making jokes to which I replied that they were uncomfortable and disgusting jokes, at some point Abi told her mother something like "Whether you like it or not, I'm married to this man.

I'm going to have this baby with him and many more, so shut up and bear with it" then my wife yelled at her brothers and went with them to talk in private. My BIL's talked with me and admitted that they were only doing that because they believed I was forcing Abi to marry and live in a farm far away from the family when it was actually Abi's idea to get married in private and live in the farm.

so all this years it has just been a misunderstanding, the three brothers apologized to me and were really embarrassed about their behavior saying they only invited Alan to mess with me.

After that most of the family members apologized to us, Abi told everyone that she doesn't want to see Alan in the house anymore while we're here, she's not going to forbid them to talk with him, but doesn't want to see him near her because it's uncomfortable. MIL tried to complain but Abi just said "Shut up mom" And left the living room with me.

In the bedroom Abi confessed to me that she also felt uncomfortable but since Alan is a friend of the family she preferred not to say anything other than throw passive-aggressive comments at him. For example, after New Year's we were all eating and Alan stroked her belly without asking,

to which my wife said 'Do it again and I'll bite you' so he never did that again, Abi even said that in a opportunity she actually talked with Alan and told him that she dislikes being touched by other people but Alan said she was overacting and left her talking alone,

I feel really stupid for not noticing how uncomfortable my wife also was feeling because after that is when she stayed most of the times in the bedroom when Alan was in the house with the excuse she was tired because of the pregnancy.

Just out of curiosity I asked her why she broke up with Alan if he's such a cool man because I'll admit it, he's really charismatic and Abi told me that he always treated her like if he knew everything and explained things that she already knew everytime they talked, Abi never felt the need of talking about that relationship because it wasn't relevant and she sees me as her first love and not Alan.

I apologized to Abi for not noticing how uncomfortable she was and only looking at my own feelings without talking about it as a couple and Abi also apologized for the same, we promised to communicate this kind of thing to each other no matter what.

Yesterday we went on a date together and when we came back my MIL looked very unfriendly but she apologized to my wife to which Abi said she should apologize to me so MIL and I talked for a while alone and although I'm still upset we promised to at least be civil with each other for Abi and the baby.

We decided to the next time stay in one of my hotel rooms while we're here, even if it's a three-hour drive it would be better for us to be comfortable and three months in my in-laws house was always really tiring so it's something we should have did earlier

For now Alan is not longer in the picture because yesterday I got his number to send a message clarifying why he can't come back and why I don't want him near my wife, the man just blocked me without answering, I guess he understood but if he didn't I don't have any problem in going to talk about it face to face.

P.S. I showed Abi the reddit post and she didn't had any problem with me asking for an advice, I'm even posting this now with her hugging my arm. I love this woman a lot. 😌

#TeamOP