'My mom tried to force a reconciliation between me, my sister, and my obsessed ex.' UPDATED 4X

"My mother tried to force a reconciliation between me, my sister, and my obsessed ex, but it backfired."

Background: I (F) started dating my brother’s best friend when I was 16. We were together until I graduated high school when he proposed and I rejected it. There was a lot of drama, with my family asking me to reconsider because “we could have a long engagement“ or make a promise to reconcile. My relationship with my brother (36) suffered for a while, but the one with my sister (32) never recovered.

She was sure my ex was the best fit for me and became unbearable when she started dating my ex’s brother. My ex was invited everywhere by my siblings, even to some family holidays, but I didn’t say anything since he was their friend too. That is until my sister started to push for us to get back together.

My sister did everything from trying to get us on blind dates to making us share a room during holidays. No matter the occasion, my ex was invited to it. After a while I had enough and asked my parents to intervene, they were clear with my siblings and stopped inviting my ex to things or allowing him to tag along so much. It was slightly better but while my brother backed off my sister didn’t.

It all came to a crash when I met my husband during a semester abroad. He was from another university but the same country and we just clicked, it was magical for me and we got engaged after dating for a year. My family was very happy for me, except my sister.

She kept insisting I was in the honeymoon phase and will grow out of it, I clearly didn’t and after many many many (can’t express enough how many) fights and attempts to reunite me with my ex I simply let her know if she pulled anything again I will stop talking to her.

What does she do after that warning? Makes me her MOH and requests I spend all my time with the bridal party a.k.a. my ex AND sets one of her friends as my husband’s date. We didn’t realize until we were at the reception and the poor girl tried to make a pass at my husband, my sister said that since we are not married it was OK to explore things with other people.

I left the party and the next day spoke with my parents and brother, explained that while I won’t make them choose I will NOT talk to my sister ever again and if they try to fix stuff between us I will simply cut contact with them too.

My Mom was devastated and tried to negotiate, but my Dad and Brother said they would respect my decision and apart from 2 attempts from my Mom I haven’t spoken, written, or anything with my sister in the past 6 years.

My sister has tried everything to reconcile with me. From gifts to tantrums but I simply don’t talk to her at all. If we are at a family event or dinner I simply act like she doesn’t exist, at first she made snarky comments or tried to create drama but since nobody backed her up she gave up.

She did have a meltdown when she was informed she was invited to my wedding but would NOT be part of any preparation. My brother says he feels guilty for going along with it for so long and his relationship with my ex has suffered since my ex, they still talk but they are not as closed anymore.

The issue: My Mom’s birthday was couple weeks ago and I finally announced we are expecting our first child, this is not the first grandchild but is the first granddaughter. Everybody was very happy except my sister. My Mom noted that and asked me for tea the other day, my sixth sense told me not to go but I wanted to be positive.

The first thing I noticed when I arrived was my sister’s car, then as I entered the door there was my sister, her husband, my ex and my exMIL. They wanted to have an intervention since my childish tactic has gone on for so long.

My ex said that he was just trying to be romantic but he understands I couldn’t appreciate it, his Mom said I was just hurting my sister for wanting the best for me and she apologized already so I need to forgive her. I was just sending texts to my family (Dad, Brother, Husband) and looking at my Mom in disbelief.

My BIL had the balls to tell me I was a hurtful person and I need to learn how to act like an adult since I am having a baby now. Then my Mom began reading a letter about how hurt she was her daughters weren’t close, how my sister was wrong but she was well intended, etc. Then my sister read her letter and began crying and telling me basically another version of what the rest did.

I said nothing to anybody, just sat there until my Brother arrived. He was angry beyond anything I’ve ever seen before, he grabbed my stuff and told them all he was really disappointed and disgusted. We went outside and sat in his car until my Dad and Husband arrived, by then I was just sobbing and he kept saying sorry.

I am unsure what happened in there but I sent everybody (except Mom) an email with my lawyer’s number info attached and stated I don’t wish to be contacted by any of them ever again and if they do I will go to the police.

Nobody has contacted me but I know from my Dad tht my Mom and sister are hysterical, they told him they hoped to repair things and for my sister to be able to be on my baby’s life, maybe possibly being a Godmother!

My Dad is staying with my Brother at the moment, they support me but some others in the family don’t. I’ve even had mutual friends call me since they are worried about my sister’s well being and asking me what happened since she is now going by the narrative my Husband is keeping me away from my family.

I HATE having my business in public but I did go the public route and posted a long FB post about everything that happened. Sister, BIL and ex are being dragged which even if it wasn’t 100% intended I feel is deserved. Now, my Mom has been inconsolable which does make me feel bad but not as bad as she made me feel with her little intervention.

I agreed to have a talk with her a couple of days ago and laid the ground rules for any possible future interaction, including: therapy, family therapy, clear boundaries, no sharing information about me with my sister, and separate holidays. Most important: if she ever pulls anything like this again she will for sure be cut off.

She feels this is too much but is willing to do it, she thought it meant immediate access to baby news and it is all solved but I told her it is a process and she needs to prove she has improved. My Dad and Brother refuse to talk to my sister and they keep apologizing for not stopping it earlier. We’ve forgiven them since they were able to move on and grow.

My Husband supports whatever I decide but my MIL is unsure cutting my Mom’s access to her granddaughter is the way to go but says it is ultimately my decision.

I am torn about what to do with my Mom.

OP later shared this update:

I want to thank you for the amount of support and advice so far. I want to give a little more info that is in my comments since there are too many for me to answer them all individually.

My Ex and I broke up when I was 18, he is 37 now. The reason for our break up was that I didn't want to get married or engaged. My sister insistence comes from the fixation of wanting the both of us to marry brothers and being best friends. My Mom has always been so nice to my husband but I am beginning to think it was all a facade, which makes me very sad.

My ex has been with people since the break up, he also has 2 kids with an ex but he's never been married. My sister says that is a very romantic thing to do since he has only ever wanted to marry me. I should also mention his obsessive behavior is not only with me.

I know from the grapevine he was very similar with the mother of his children but now he is refocusing on me because my sister is encouraging it since she "needs his help" on getting back in my good graces so she can be a good Aunt. My brother did start to cut him off when I told my parents I was very uncomfortable with my ex around all the time.

I was living away for college but would visit my family during breaks. He also made a very big effort to make my husband feel welcome which deteriorated his relationship with my ex even more because he felt betrayed by my brother. Nowadays my husband is one of my brother's closest friends and he only speak with my ex when is about our nephew (sister's son) or to not be rude.

Both my parents seemed to be supportive of me not wanting to be around my ex so much but I guess only my dad was in agreement. On the day of the tea party my mom told him she was making me my favorite tea and sweets but he couldn't stay since we would have quality time together.

My dad left to go hang with my uncle since he thought it was a nice sentiment from my mom. He is very pissed off. My husband tried very hard with my sister when they met but now he just ignores her and believes she is mentally unwell. We don't know if she is or not, still there is no excuse for how she behaves.

They invited the ex and his mom because they thought it would be good for me to face the root of my issues with my sister, or at least is their official version. Also, we are not Indian, not really religious, my husband and I are from the same race. There is also no wealth disparity between my ex and my husband, if there is it would be in favor to my husband.

Lastly, my SILs (both my brother's wife and husband's sisters) are enraged about the situation. My husband and his sisters will be talking with their mom about her comment. My brother and his wife are considering going NC with my mom permanently, in the meanwhile they will not allow her to see my nephews for a bit.

The more I read, the more I think I might have to go NC with my Mom for the sake of my kid. My husband is heartbroken to think all their interactions were faked but says he is even more enraged she made me cry and doubt I was a good person. I realize there are still countless conversations to have with my family about my mom, but I will definitely be going for a restraining order against my sister and the ex.

She later shared this second update on the situation:

The state of my family so far: I had a conversation with my mother but she insists she knew best, I am a "bad person" and she will be getting grandparents rights or even custody. I am nothing like what she says, but I still panicked so we sent her a letter about it. My dad moved out definitely, he told her that he could not sign on her terrorizing his kid. My brother and his wife also decided to go NC.

I know it seems very sudden but I think I undersold the level of despair I had after the "intervention". My husband told them afterward they had to think very well about what they appreciated and to be kind and receptive to everything but would not raise a kid on a toxic environment (Reason 3271637 why I love my husband)

My husband is very heartbroken about my Mom and her fakeness, he says she will never get anything from him. That is as much as revenge goes here. My husband and sisters talked to my MIL about her comment and made her understand why it was very out of it, as many of you assumed she is a very loving mom, from a loving family.

My dad and brother keep apologizing for any role they played on this, my dad can't believe it went to this point, he says it is still surreal for him. Regardless, They support me no matter what and say they are willing to help me fight whatever ridiculous fight my Mom or sister put up.

OP came back with this "final update":

(Final Update) Or I hope it is.

I want to thank the lovely messages and encouraging words. I decided to post it here so it wouldn't be deleted like the original was. Things are great and horrible at the same time but I am trying to remain positive about everything.

My brother and his wife sat my nephews down and explained that grandma was ill and tried to hurt auntie Diamond and the little cousin. They explained grandma would not be part of their lives anymore but that doesn't mean she doesn't love them, it was really hard but the kids are smart.

They were also told other aunt is no longer in their life but they don't care because they dislike her, not because of me alone simply because she is not exactly great with them either. My mom lost it when she was informed and started claiming she had rights and she will get to see her grandchildren.

My dad is looking for a permanent place but will stay with us until January, mainly due to my brother's MIL coming to visit and we having the space. He is really sad, has called divorce lawyers already, moved bank stuff, etc.

He has been getting countless emails, messages and calls from my mom but he doesn't reply to anything; the lawyer told him to not block her right now. He considered maybe forgiving her but

I got a huge spike on my blood pressure a couple days after my last post here because she decided to come to my place WITH my sister. My sister had never been to my home, my mom knew I didn't want her there but I guess that doesn't matter anymore. The cleaning lady let them in since she knows my mom and I haven't had the time to inform her she was not allowed to come in anymore.

I was just coming from some errands and I saw the car, this time I didn't get in. I called all of my relatives and my SIL (husband's sister) was the one closer to me, she confronted them and told them either they leave of I call the police on them for trespassing.

They left and I started feeling bad, we went to the Dr and they told me all the "excitement" was not good and I needed to start relaxing or it would hurt the baby.

My dad went home with my brother, uncle and my husband and took every single thing he could think of. My husband says my sister was there too and she kept screaming at him that he destroyed her family. My dad told my mom and sister they almost killed the baby and he also doesn't want to talk to any of them again.

My sister kept sending messages to my brother, begging for help but is not happening. I am devastated and very sad for my nephew since he is losing so much of his family because his mother has some wacky ideas but it is what it is.

As per the custody and grandparent rights my mom wants to throw around so much, my lawyer sent her a letter stating she caused harm to my health and the baby and if she keeps harassing me it will become an official legal matter.

My brother also sent her a letter using her harassing of me. Both, mom and sister, have refused to go to therapy. They might be mentally ill but with all of this coming to light it is obvious they have been in agreement for a long time. I will focus on spending the holidays with my family, being healthy and going to therapy.

OP then came back with this actual final update:

Hi, I've received some requests for an update and had a little time so decided it could be a good fit. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart from your comments, messages and well.... Every advice because I feel we owe you for being even more paranoid then we were being.

A couple people asked me what method we used to know the gender of the baby: I announced it after 20 weeks. The reason for waiting so long is we have experienced a loss in the past, which we were preparing to announce when it happened, and we wanted to be sure and have a safety feeling about the announcement. Alsso, we were naive enought to think it would be special for my Mom.

And you were right, after posting I handed it to my husband and he read your messages, comments, and advice for some days. We swiped the house and thankfully found nothing but felt extremely unsafe so we went to a hotel with my Dad. But then we realized there was a tracker on my fur baby's vest.

He is a very small dog and gets cold a lot so he has a funny vest. Never in a million years would I have thought of looking there, but we discovered the tracker when my Dad walked him around the hotel area and my sister came and asked him about me and reconciliation. I was really upset so we decided to move.

Thankfully we can afford it! We are renting at the moment and also renting out our place so is not just empty, I used to love that house but now I feel is ruined and tainted somehow. Sadly, my parents house feels the same and not only for me.

We all (Brother, Husband, Dad, SIL and even my Husband's family) changed our numbers, got new electronics and notified employers, friends, police. We also started therapy and family therapy, my Dad and Brother feel extreme guilt over the situation even if I have truly forgiven them but we are healing as a unit.

My sister and Mom insist they are not wrong and they don't need therapy. My Dad made a new will in which my sister's son gets a trustfund and some inheritance but my sister gets a token amount, he is truly done with her. I was feeling bad for her but I decided to focus my energy on my baby.

She is here and we are blessed. It is not the experience I thought of since my Mom is not around me anymore but so many friends and family members have truly surprised us.

By the end we were so paranoid we started testing some people we were unsure of telling them I was going into labor.... It worked like a charm, we discovered who was still feeding info to my Mom and sister and cut them out, the rest understood when we explained the reasoning.

My ex whom my friends now call "Bates" went around saying the baby was his cause we*'ve been having a torrid afair due to my undying love for him*, nobody believes him anymore but it made my Husband contact Bates' employer and tell him about all the craziness.

Long story short, he was put on a suspension pending internal reviewing. I am almost positive he will be fired since they have asked us for more and more info and they seem really apologetic.

My Mom has tried to find us but all the people that know of our location have gone NC with her, my Dad's lawyer sent her a letter stating that due to her unstability all correspondance will be through lawyers now.

It has been us and my Dad because I felt so bad for him being alone. He has promised he will be fine and nothing is my fault but I still feel awful. He has been the best babysitter, feeder, daiper changer in the universe.

My nephews are loving as always and my Dad even got a visit with my sister's son. It came about because she kept making videos threatening to hurt herself if my Husband didn't stop alienating her family so my Dad emailed her about seeing her son and told her he would call the police about her threats so that seems to have stopped it.

Lastly, someone brought up I gave Bates false hope. It can't be further from the truth. I spent years uncomfortable because I thought he would move on, then after I spoke up and then met my husband I spent such a long time fighting my sister about it. I had a very long engagement which is why I married after my sister. I still love my Mom and sister, but I choose a healthy life for me and my family over that love.

I have discovered a lot of loyalty, love and compassion through this whole thing. As strange as it may seem I feel lucky it all exploded. Hopefully it is not much of a ramble. Big hugs from me.