'I caught my sister trying to steal from me and now my mom is making ME apologize.' UPDATED 2X

"I[24M] caught my sister[26F] trying to steal a watch of mine, and now my mother[51F] wants me to apologize to her."

So last night I had some people over to to celebrate moving into my new place. I had some family and friends, including my sister and my mother. When I was growing up with my sister, she would often steal from myself and other family members. Money from my mom's purse or dad's wallet. She'd sneak into my room and take things. Steal money from our grandparents, etc.

We aren't very close because of this, and I always try to keep an eye on here when she's around. Despite this, I decided to invite my sister over because she doesn't live to far away, and I know my mom would have been upset if I didn't. I put all of my watches and valuables in my safe, but I left out the watch I had planned on wearing that night(but ended up not wearing it and leaving it on my dresser)

At one point during the party my sister asked me where the bathroom was and I pointed down the hallway and told her the bathroom was on the left. A couple minutes later I went to go grab something from my room and saw her come out of my room as I was walking down the hall.

She gave me this startled dear in the headlights look and said she was looking for the bathroom and walked away really quickly. I immediately got worried and went to do a quick look around my room. I immediately noticed the watch missing from on top of my dresser. This isn't some cheap $20 watch, I paid over 30k for it earlier this year. I left my room and went straight to my sister to confront her.

I pulled her off to the side so it wouldn't cause a scene, and told her that I knew she took my watch and if she gave it back right then I wouldn't call the cops. She got extremely defensive and started yelling about how she didn't take shit from me, and how I'm an asshole etc. At this point, a lot of people were staring and listening us. She told me she was leaving and started heading toward the door.

I knew if she left I might never see my watch again, so I grabbed her purse from her and dumped everything on the ground. Sure enough, there is my watch right there on the ground with the rest of the stuff from her purse. My sister screamed at me and called me an a$$h@le and scooped up most of her stuff and ran out of my place. My mom followed her out and ended up not returning to the party.

So after an awkward rest of the party, I got a call from my mom. She was mad at ME! I got some long lecture about how I "didn't need to humiliate my sister in front of everyone at the party", how she couldn't help herself, and that my sister is crying and upset now because of the "scene I caused"

She also got mad at me for going through my sister's purse and told me that I should never look in a ladies purse and that it was a complete invasion of privacy. First of all, I tried to pull my sister off to the side. She was the one who started yelling at me and causing a scene that made everyone look over at her.

I also wouldn't have had to go through her purse if she didn't STEAL FROM ME and deny it and try to leave. I'm not just going to risk losing a 30k watch because I "shouldn't look through a ladies purse" So now my mom wants me to not only apologize to my sister, but to tell all the guests that were there that it was a big misunderstanding and my sister didn't take anything.

I'm really not sure what I should do about my mom. There is no way I'm going to apologize to my sister. She should be the one apologizing to me. And I'm certainly not going to lie to my guests to get my sister out of the awkward mess she created for herself.

I also don't know what to do about my sister. At this point I'm pretty much just done with her. I think she should be the one apologizing, but I doubt she will ever do that. Thanks in advance for any advice!

tl;dr: Had family and friends over for housewarming party. Caught my sister trying to steal a 30k watch from me. Everyone at the party saw me confront my sister and find the watch that she took in her purse. Mom wants me to apologize to my sister for embarrassing her and wants me to lie and tell the party guests that it was a misunderstanding and that my sister didn't actually steal from me.

Commenters weighed in:

[deleted] said:

If you want to be snarky, you could point out it'd have been even more embarrassing for your sister to have been arrested. Honestly, I don't have good advice for handling your mom.

TheTableDude said:

"Okay, Mom. I'll apologize to her for embarrassing her when she tried to steal a $30,000 watch from me. But first I'm going to call the cops and report it. OR she can apologize to me and I won't call the police. Which would you prefer?" As far as your sister goes, it's time for the kid gloves to come off. If she steals from you again, treat her like the theif she is and call the cops.

[deleted] said:

She's a 26 year old woman and still has her mother fighting her battles. This is stuff teenagers do, if it was me I'd report it to the police still after the way they've treated you. Your sister needs to grow up and your mother shouldn't be treating her like a 10 year old.

cordsniper said:

She would get an apology over my dead body. Never, ever, ever! It serves her right to be publicly humiliated. I wouldn't let her back in my house again and I would tell my mom to piss up a rope if she is going to defend your sister, no wonder she constantly steals. Your mom feeds into it being acceptable.

Doughchild said:

Sounds like both your mom and sister are banned from your house from now on. Your sister can steal your moms things all she want, she doesn't get to steal yours. If you have other valuables in the house, you should look around. Things like a checkbook can hide in a backpocket.

KamehamehaSockpuppet said:

"Sis, I'm sorry you are a criminal, a thief and a liar who has been enabled by our delusional and irresponsible mother for years but no way in hell you're going to rob me of something I worked hard to pay for. I'm done with both of you. Count yourself lucky I'm not reporting this to the police. I will do if it ever happens again."

Three days after her original post, she shared this first update:

I invited my mom to lunch so that we could discuss what happened at the party and where to go from there. I explained to her that my sister stole a very expensive watch from me. It wasn't just some trinket, and it shouldn't matter even if it was. I tried to pull her away and confront her in private, but she chose to yell and curse at me and cause a scene.

I also told her that I understand it is never okay to look into someones private purse or bag, but that sort of etiquette goes out the window when tens of thousands of dollars of my stolen property is in her purse. My mom then went on a long rant about how we are all family and that her and my sister believe that a family should share in each other's success.

She tole me that my sister was just upset because I was "hoarding" all of my money for myself and that it's understandable what she did. She said that I would never gotten where I am today without all the work she put into raising me and the influence her and my sister had on my life.

Then she went on to tell me that I "owe" it to her to evenly share my success with her and my sister since we are family and they would certainly do the same in my position(that's a laugh) At this point I'm pretty dumbfounded. Not only because she thinks my sister's actions were somehow justified, but because she credits herself for my success and thinks it's selfish of me not to share with her and my sister.

And don't even get me started on her trying to act like her and my sister would do the same. I know for a fact my sister wouldn't give me a dime if I were 10 cents shorts for a heart transplant. And my mom still owes me tens of thousands of dollars that she borrowed and swore she would pay back(I don't expect it back and wrote it off as soon as I gave it to her).

I just can't even fathom how my mom could actually think like that. At that point I was so furious and didn't want to say anything I'd regret, so I got up and walked out. Oh yeah, I also got a text half an hour later saying that I owed her money for lunch since I was the one who invited her. Despite the fact that neither of us had even ordered before I left.

As far as my sister goes, I haven't contacted her and she hasn't contacted me. At this point I'm just done with her in my life. I don't know if I should do the same for my mother though. I would hate to not have a relationship with her, but I just can't believe how she could possibly think those things. Would love some advice on what to do as far as my relationship with my mother goes. Thanks.

tl;dr: Had lunch to talk with my mom about what happened. She claimed that my sister was justified in what she did because she was upset that I wasn't sharing my money with her. Told me that we are a family and should share in each other's success and that I am being selfish by not doing so. I got up and walked out

Edit: Small update I thought I'd post. She called me but I didn't want to talk so I let it go to voicemail. She left a voice mail telling me to check my email. Here is her email: "First of all, it was very rude of you to walk out on me at the cafe. I was humiliated and you should know better than to treat your mother like that.

As I said in the text, you owe me money for lunch since you were the one who invited me so please bring $60 to give to me at Craig's BBQ. It is a shame that I even need to be telling you this, I know I raised you better than that. But you really need to start supporting this family. We are all one, and the success of any individual needs to be spread around the family.

Your sister works as a pastry chef and is always more than happy to bake for everyone and bring us treats from work, I wish you would do the same. You can start out by helping me with the new apartment I'm moving to.

The rent is $4250 per month(not including utilities) I am planning on moving in around the first of September so that gives you plenty of time to set up some sort of monthly bank transfer. I'm going to need $8500 in about 2 weeks for the first and last months rent. I'll also need you to come over a few times this month to help move my stuff over there.

Bring the bigger truck, unless that's the manual because Tod doesn't know how to drive stick. As a thanks for moving my things over there I will cover the security deposit myself so you don't even need to worry about it. And you still haven't apologized to (sisters name) so please get that done this week. It will take 5 minutes tops so just get it done.

It was wrong to humiliate her like that and guess you had to be the one comforting her. Me! Like usual. Text me to confirm that you got everything and let me know how soon you can bring the big truck over. I should also mention that I currently pay for her rent. After some long guilt trip about how she gave me free food and housing for 18 years so it's time for me to repay the favor.

I can clearly see now that that was a big mistake. Now she just assumes I'm going to pay her rent at some new huge place that costs twice as much and that she doesn't need? At this point I'm done giving her any support, she clearly as no appreciation for it. That's just a taste of how my mom acts. She is extremely entitled and just expects everything in life to be given to her.

Edit: Another update. So I just sent my mom an email letting her know that I will not being giving her any more money.Here's the gist of it:

"I will not be paying the rent for the new more expensive apartment you want to move in. Not only will I not be paying for that, but I won't be paying your rent for any apartment anymore. You will have to do that yourself. In addition to that, I will not be giving you any money whatsoever.

You have shown that you have no respect for me or the work it takes to earn money and I cannot continue to pay for things you don't need. I know this means cutting back a bit, but there is no reason for you to be living outside your means and I won't subsidize your expensive lifestyle."

I wrote it all out completely different, but that's the gist of what I told her. So just waiting for the freakout I'm sure is going to happen.

Two days later, she posted this second update:

After going through all the comments(thanks for the advice!) I decided to send my mother an email letting her know that I will absolutely not be paying for the new place she made plans to move to, and that I will stop paying her rent all together. I told her that she clearly does not respect me or the work I put in in order for me to be in a position to give her the money that I do.

I also told her that I would not be financially supporting her in any way. A few hours after I sent the email my phone starts blowing up. Calls over and over again. I still really didn't want to talk to her so I ignored them all. A little while later I get a call from my friend Dave, except when I answer the phone it's my mom.

I found out later from Dave that she showed up at the bike shop he works at and made up some story about story about her locking her purse with her phone and keys in the car and needing to call me for a ride. She immediately goes off on me about how ungrateful I am and that she is disgusted by the email I sent etc.

She told me that it's my "duty" to make sure she is well cared for and comfortable, as she is the reason I'm here in the first place. The worst part was when she told me that if she knew I was going to end up this way that she wouldn't have put her life on hold for the last 2 decades in order to have me, and that I cost her her job and my dad and a bunch her her life plans. I couldn't even get a word in with all her yelling.

The last thing she said was something along the lines of "you need to have a come to jesus moment and realize how much you are hurting your mother. I have already packed up most of my stuff and have spent a ton of time setting this move up. I expect the $8500 before the weekend is over in a cashiers check so let me know when you have it." and then she hung up.

I don't think I have even been so mad in my entire life. She pretty much just told me that I need to make up for everything she missed out on in order to have me by giving her money and making sure she's taken care of. I called her back and she tried to start talking and I don't remember exactly what I said because I was so angry.

I basically told her to shut the F up and let me talk(but with more swearing and yelling) I'm usually pretty calm and would never swear at my mom(I would never even swear near her) and I know I shouldn't have said that but I wasn't thinking straight. I told her she better find another place to live or pay her rent herself because she wasn't getting another dime from me.

I turned my phone off after that because I didn't want to deal with anymore calls or texts. I eventually needed to use my phone so I turned it back on and just blocked her number. I saw that I had some calls/messages from her but I didn't want to look at them.

This morning I got a call from the front desk at my building telling me that my mom had tried get up to my room, but I had already told the elevator staff/security to take her off my guest list. Apparently she caused quite the fuss when they wouldn't let her up. She is blocked on my phone now so I haven't heard from her today yet, but I expect her to blow up on me again for what happened this morning.

I think she's probably in denial and thinks that I will cave and pay for her new place. I'm worried about what she's going to do when the deadline for her to pay for her new place comes up and I refuse to give her any money.

The move in date is pretty soon and I'm sure she has to pay it pretty soon, I'm actually surprised she hasn't had to pay already. So that's going to cause a massive sh!tstorm. I'm really really worried about what she's going to do. Thanks again for all the advice!

TLDR: Mom showed up at friends work and used his phone to call me because I wasn't answering her. Yells at me about not doing my duty and how I owe it her to take care of her because I basically ruined her life. Says I have to give her rent check by the end of the weekend. Tell her she isn't getting a dime from me and hang up She tries to get in my building but isn't allowed.

Unfortunately, no updates after that. Hope it all worked out!