Strap in, folks, this is a RIDE.
Here's the original post:
Two years ago, my husband and I were having issues. He really doesn't have a lot of friends so when we got together, my friends became his friends. I would go out with co-workers after work and he would get upset that I got home late. One particular guy, Chris, he didn't want me hanging around.
Now Chris was just a really sweet guy and we got along very well. We went out to lunch together, we'd hit the bar after work, he was just a great guy to work with. My husband, Dave, just didn't like him and told me he didn't want me around him. I told him he was being silly and controlling.
Things exploded when Chris had an extra ticket to a baseball game for my favorite team and invited me to go. I said yes, but knowing Dave would be angry, I told him I had to work that day. We went to the game and had a great time. Yes, I know I'm wrong for lying to him, and I regret that I did that.
When I got home, Dave asked me how work was. I told him it was fine. He got quiet and asked me where I had been. I responded that I was at work. He told me that he was going to ask me one more time where I was, and I had better be honest.
I told him I wasn't going to play games. He pulled up my location history on Google Timeline showing the baseball stadium and told me to be honest with him.
As I expected, it was a big thing. I was so angry that he stalked me. It was such a violation of my privacy. He didn't see it as controlling. He accused me of having an affair and told me he wanted me to promise not to see Chris again. I told him he was being ridiculous and told him that I wasn't going to do that.
He slept on the couch that night and in the morning I told him I wanted a separation. I told him I felt smothered, that I needed him to trust me, and that we both needed space.
I moved out and stayed with my sister (28F). I hate to admit it but I felt relieved. I felt like there was no trust with him, no give, and no chance to grow. When Chris found out what happened, he felt horrible, but I told him it wasn't his fault.
I did date Chris for a few months, but we really didn't have the long term compatibility that I was seeking. It was nice to date again and feel very open to new experiences. He just wasn't looking for marriage and kids, which is what I want.
Last year, my grandfather got really sick. I was a wreck and wound up calling up Dave, who was always very close to him. Dave rushed to be there for me and my family and he was the guy I married again.
After being apart nine months we decided to give things another try. I moved back in, we discussed boundaries, I asked if he was with anyone when we were apart, he said he had one partner.
This surprised me as he was never much of a dater but I'd been with one person as well, which I admitted and we both moved forward. Things have actually been great up until this weekend.
The sister who I stayed with, called me up and informed me that my husband slept with my other sister while we were separated. I have a strained relationship with this sister, but I never thought she'd cross that line.
I confronted my husband who admitted she was the one person he was with. I just broke down crying, told him he was a terrible human being, and I didn't even want to look at him.
He told me to tell him that the person I was with wasn't Chris and he would agree that he was a terrible person. I didn't respond and he just nodded and smugly said, "That's what I thought!"
He's trying to make me feel bad because of what happened between me and Chris but there was nothing between me and Chris and there never would have been until he blew up and made all these accusations. He said, "You were going to do what you did with Chris no matter what and say it was my fault. Whether I said something or not."
Regardless, he thinks the two things are equal. He keeps saying, "You created a no-win situation that I have to live with for the rest of my life, so I returned the favor." I can't be rational about this. Every time I bring it up I'm shaking with rage at both of them and end up raising my voice and screaming at him.
He hasn't been with my sister in over a year and we've honestly had a great year together, but I don't even know how to move forward with this. One minute I want to forgive him and move forward and the next I never want to see him again. He refuses to accept that what he did was wrong, and says that we were separated and both lived our lives.
What do I even do here? I don't think I want a divorce, but I can't stand to look at him right now.
tl:dr - Husband's controlling behavior pushed us into a separation. He took this time to sleep with my sister out of revenge and won't accept that it was screwed up, saying we're both equally bad.
I see no innocence from anyone in this situation. In all the times you went out with coworkers did Dave ever have a problem with anyone other than Chris? Doesn't sound like it to me. You lied to Dave and did exactly what you wanted to. Then you dated Chris right after being separated.
Him sleeping with your sister was a sh!t thing to do too but, you were separated. I know this still doesn't excuse that in my book but, it was a fact.
You’re not the victim you think you are here.
Honestly you breached a major boundary in your marriage, blame shifted onto your husband for finding out, and then dated the man you betrayed your husband for. Having intimate relations with your sister is distasteful yes, but I wouldn't exactly say your husband's behavior pushed you both into separation. If I was a betting man, I'd say your wanting to be with this Chris guy is what made you separate.
Your inability to be faithful and then not take responsibility for your actions made your husband make a revenge play. No, I do not condone revenge affairs, they are a terrible way to handle a sensitive situation like this in my opinion, but you are the one who drove a wedge in between you and your husband. Also, stop blame shifting, you aren't fooling anyone.
And Tinywrenn said:
No, BOTH of your behaviours pushed you into a separation. I wouldn’t have trusted you either. He should never have slept with your sister but his feeling about Chris was right and he sought proof. You wrecked those boundaries and he wrecked boundaries in return. You’re both to blame here.
First, let me get something out of the way. Everyone who doesn't have bipolar disorder, please take one huge step forward! Oops! Not so fast, me!
A few months ago I started seeing a psychologist to cope with the state of my marriage. She recognized some things, referred me to a specialist, and I was finally diagnosed as bipolar ii. It was not a happy moment for me. I felt like my life was over and I think I cried for three days straight.
Dave was incredible through it. He sat with me, took time away from work, and did so much to make sure I was okay. I began seeing a psychiatrist who has helped me tremendously by getting me onto a medication regiment that has changed my life. Dave and I are in counseling and I feel like we're in a great place. It's not perfect but we're healing.
I think that my bipolar has been a huge obstacle. I am absolutely mortified and ashamed of my behavior. I look at it now and it feels like I'm watching a different person. I hate that I acted that way and nearly ruined my marriage. I'm working to recognize when I'm behaving irrationally and try to control my impulses and actions.
As for my sister, we have actually reconnected! That... was a hard one. I really began to see that as angry as I was with her, the biggest reason our relationship was crap was me. I was overly competitive, I put down every choice she ever made, and I really made her feel like she wasn't good enough.
I told her I wanted to talk, we both got a lot of anger out, there was a lot of crying on both sides, and in the end we agreed that we both still love each other and need to work to rebuild our relationship. We had our first Thanksgiving together in years last month, and I felt so good to have her there and see her smile at me again.
I re-read my first post at least once a month. At first it made me angry because of course I was right to do what I did. How dare they judge me. Now, I see how outside of myself I was.
I hate that person, I don't want to be her anymore. It's weird to see comments and PMs calling you every nasty name in the book, telling you that you're terrible, and agreeing with them. I use it to remind myself that I have to be better than that. Dave deserves better, and I deserve better from myself. Thank you for your honesty
TL:DR I have bipolar disorder which went undiagnosed for my entire life so far. As a result I have damaged relationships with those closest to me. Through a combination of medication, self reflection, and acceptance I am slowly working to fix my mistakes and be happy again.