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'AITA for having my wife’s missing ring replicated without her knowledge?' UPDATED

'AITA for having my wife’s missing ring replicated without her knowledge?' UPDATED


"AITA for having my wife’s missing ring replicated without her knowledge?"

Here's the original post:

A few months ago, my (M44) wife (F43) lost a ring given to her by her late grandmother. My wife was really close to her grandmother, so needless to say, the ring held significant sentimental value for her. Also, given that her grandmother died last year, it was a particularly painful blow.

We searched high and low but never found it. After it was missing for about a month and my wife started losing hope, I decided that I’d have the ring replicated. We did have quite a few pictures of the ring, so I thought it could potentially be done.

I did suggest the idea to my wife, but she did seem very receptive to it. She said things along the lines of how it couldn’t be done and how it wouldn’t be a replacement for the one her grandmother gave her. However, she didn’t expressly say she would not allow me to replicate it.

I ended up taking the pictures to a jeweler and described the piece to the best of my abilities. Two months and 9k later, the ring was ready. I will admit that I kept all of this secret from my wife, and the day it was ready, I cancelled work to pick it up and placed it between two sofa cushions that my wife usually sits around.

I didn’t want to present her with the ring, as I thought she wouldn’t like that based on our conversation earlier. Fast forward a few days, and my wife “finds” the ring. She’s overjoyed, happier than I’ve seen in a long time. I congratulated her on “finding it” and thought that was that.

Recently, my wife started questioning the ring. For the past few weeks, she’s been telling me things like how it feels a bit different. Today, when I got back from work, my wife started asking me about the ring.

She was saying things like how it felt different and how it looked different. I’ll save you most of the details, but in summary, after about 5 minutes of grilling me, I confessed about having the ring replicated.

To say she was furious would be an understatement. Basically, she yelled at me for being dishonest, claimed that I was acting like being married to her was charity, and also said that I had insulted her intelligence and embarrassed her in front of her friends and family, as she told them all that she found the ring. I apologized and told her that I didn’t want to see her depressed, but she refused to listen.

She ended up locking herself in our bedroom. I tried apologizing again, but all she did was slide the ring under the door towards me. All this just made me confused and conflicted about the entire situation. AITA for getting her ring replaced?

Do you think he's an a-hole for doing this? This is what top commenters had to say:

Cursd818 said:

YTA. But let me explain. When your wife "found" the ring, she didn't just find a lump of metal and rock. She found a lost connection to her grandmother. She found memories and love.

And when she found out the ring was a replica, she lost her grandmother again. She lost those memories and that connection. She's been hit by a wall of grief all over again, but this time. You're to blame.

Your heart was absolutely in the right place, but you really messed up. Apologise to her for causing that pain. Suggest that maybe the ring can be a new heirloom for you both to attach your own memories to, but also in honour of her grandmother.

It can never be the original, and you were wrong to pretend it could, but you hope that maybe, it can be a link to those memories, and ones that you will create together. And if you lied about the 9k you spent in secret. You're in even more trouble.

jimbob19304 said:

YTA. And doubly so. 1. For lying. 2. For how you thought it would play out in any other way? It could have been a really nice gesture. A new ring and a card saying I know it can’t replace the old ring but let’s start a new tradition with this one. Or something like that. Better start apologising

CrystalQueen3000 said:

YTA. Her reaction is less about you replacing the ring and more about all the lying you did. All of this could have been avoided if you’d asked her if she wanted a copy and telling her that you’d be willing to replace it.

Topcodeoriginal3 said:

YTA I suggest you Google what the words “sentimental value” actually mean

Commenters seem to agree lying to his wife was not the move. Verdict: YTA.

Four days after his original post, he shared this update:

So, it's been a few days since I last posted, and I'd like to provide an update on what's been happening. But before that, I'd like to thank everyone who took the time to respond to the original post; your insights were incredibly valuable in helping me navigate this situation.

As expected, I did end up spending a few nights sleeping on the couch. My wife was very angry with me, so I kept my distance and allowed her time to cool off. During this time, I've been keeping the replacement ring with me, as I didn't think my wife would even want to see it.

Our youngest asked me why I was sleeping on the couch the other night, and I told him that it was good for his old man's back. It's another lie, but I didn't feel too bad going ahead with it.

Tuesday night, after the kids went to bed, I apologized profusely for the entire situation. I told her that there was zero justification for what I did and that I should have listened to her rather than tried to replace the ring. I told her that what I did was unbelievably foolish and inconsiderate and I then offered to explain to her family and friends the situation if they were to ask about it.

We did end up talking for a long time, and she told me that it was very difficult to describe how she felt about my actions. On the one hand, she was very frustrated that I thought I could just replace the ring; yet, on the other hand, she was a bit amused that I’d go to such lengths and said she appreciates that aspect.

She ended up reaccepting the ring, and I was allowed back into our bedroom. Things do seem to be slowly returning to normal, but if there’s one thing I've learned about married life, it’s that this conversation will probably be revisited a few more times in the future, and they will likely make my wife upset again.

For that reason, I have decided to buy my wife a necklace, which I'll surprise her with in a few days. I’m thinking that this will hopefully soften her anger if this conversation ever does come up again.

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