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'AITA for not giving my entire inheritance to my sister for her IVF treatment?' UPDATED

'AITA for not giving my entire inheritance to my sister for her IVF treatment?' UPDATED


"AITA for not helping my sister and husband pay for their IVF treatment using my inheritance despite having no immediate use for it?"

Here's the original post:

So I am 25F and my sister, Ella is 31F. My husband = Tom and her husband = John. Ella is bisexual and our parents were religious af. So when she brought home a gf in hs they kicked her out. She never got an inheritance when our mum died. The both of us had cut contact with our parents but I still decided to accept the money because I figured it's the one good thing to come out of our abusive life so why not.

The legal side of things were finalised a week ago. Ella and John came to see me while Tom was at work and told me they wanted to talk about something important. They said that they had exhausted all of their 'fertility' money and didn't have enough to try ivf again.

I could see where this was going so I just said "I'm sorry Ella, I understand. I was thinking about this as well and Tom thinks this is the right thing to do too. You should have half of the money, you deserve it"

John tells me that's not what they wanted to talk about but that they wanted all of the money. I'm a bit taken aback. Apparently half won't be enough. I tell them that I was going to use my part (or if she didn't want the half, all of it) for my daughter's college fund and another fund for her to use for whatever she wishes during her teen years.

I remind Ella that we always promised each other our children will be financially well off because we never had that growing up. Where I live college is extremely expensive so despite my daughter being only 3 Tom and I wanted to start this for her.

I tell Ella and John all of this and Ella is just very upset at this point. John is more willing to have a conversation though. She comes back from the kicthen and says i'm rubbing the fact that i'm a mother in her face. I'm angry by this point because I thought she loved my daughter like her own.

Ella said I was sabotaging her and that I owed her for looking after me when we were kids. John said since Ella "faced more struggles" she deserved it all despite knowing full well our parents hurt me regularly as well. I was just not prepared to fight, my daughter needed my attention and I wanted Tom to be my side because Ella was acting aggressive.

I asked them to leave and called Tom. We discussed this again and agreed we shouldn't give them the money. Ella calls me and I pick up and she tells me she has to try again and that her relationship is rocky because they're frustrated they can't have a kid. I told her I would not give her the entire amount and just hung up.

I feel guilty about all of this now but I don't know if I should. Maybe since I don't have an immediate use for the money I should have given it to her? Am I an a-hole?

Do you think she's done anything wrong?! This is what top commenters had to say:

SadCapybaraInSand said:

"'You should have half of the money, you deserve it' John tells me that's not what they wanted to talk about but that they wanted all of the money."

What. The. F@%k. You offered an equal split and she went, "Nope, I want it all," and is trying to pull out every emotionally manipulative tool in the book to get what she wants.

Seems she turned out more like her mother than she'd like to admit. You're NTA, and you should just flat-out tell her that if either her or John bring up wanting more than half ever again they'll get nothing.

sazz66 said:

NTA. I think you were right and fair to offer to split the money with her but in no way should she get all of it. This is the chance for you to ensure your child’s future and, as her mother, it’s only right for you to do so.

Ella can look for alternate ways to become a mother that doesn’t involve spending your part of the inheritance. Fertility problems are super unfortunate but it doesn’t give her the right to take your daughter’s college money.

_ewan_ said:

"John tells me that's not what they wanted to talk about but that they wanted all of the money." Umm, no. The sheer brass neck is astounding - you made a generous (but fair) offer. You're clearly NTA, and you shouldn't for a moment let them make you doubt yourself.

spintacularspinda said:

NTA- you offered half and that was generous enough. It is unreasonable of them to expect you to give them ALL of the money. Additionally, "her relationship is rocky because they're frustrated they can't have a kid."

^this line also concerns me. A baby can't save a marriage. In fact, it would probably make it worse. If you want to give them half that's fine, but not a penny more.

The_final_frontier_ said:

NTA. Honestly I wouldn’t even give her half the money after the way your sister behaved.

lilly12000 said:

I just read this with my friend. She and her husband been struggling with fertility for 7 years. They have tried IVF 2x. I asked her what her opinion is and we both agree. NTA.

She doesn’t have a Reddit. But she wanted me To tell you that she would have been extremely grateful for even half and also would never accuse you of mentioning saving for your child’s future rubbing in her face that you even have kids. Struggling is hard and it hurts when you have so many people who are able to have kids but she said she enjoys getting to be involved with this kids lives.

For me I also agree with her. I have children and I also have greedy siblings and family. If they pulled this with me I would honestly just have no contact with them for awhile.

Verdict: a unanimous, resounding NTA!

A month after her original post, she shared this update:

Hello, I apologise for the update being so late (almost a month!). I got caught up with everything that was going on but now that I have a moment I thought i'd write this since a lot of you guys still want an update. I got a lot of helpful tips and also understood that I was so not the a-hole. The relief I felt was huge so thanks for helping me out.

I didn't reach out to Ella or John like I initially planned now that I knew I had nothing to apologise for. A few days after though John come over (alone) to my house and apologised for what Ella said.

But I was dumb for thinking they would stop there because John asked me about the money again. They still felt like they deserved all the money. Luckily for me, I did not have to deal with all of this for the second time since Tom was home and they talked. It ended with John threatening to sue and what not.

Ella began posting the nastiest things on facebook and it was embarrassing to explain everything to my friends...I just felt like I had to cut off contact. They were being aggressive and just overall so horrible to my family. I told Ella that I did not want to have contact with her anymore and blocked them all. Ella showed up with John again though, this time asking for half of the money.

Tom and I talked about this and we decided not to give them anything. We offered it to them (even after the incident) and all they did was insult us. We're going to use it for our daughter's future.

So I know that's a sad update but I got messages yesterday asking for one that I thought i'd still make a post. We talked to our lawyer and they can't really do anything legally and they probably won't even try because they have no money.

To clarify some things: Some people mentioned how IVF is not that expensive but Ella chose a very particular clinic. It's their second time doing the 'cycle' and so they decided to go for a more expensive option (though idk why) hence why they needed more than their half. At least this is what they told me.

We had a poor childhood but got a big inheritance because our parents were rich, they just didn't spend any money on us.

A lot of you think setting up a "teen fund" for my daughter would spoil her but it's not for anything she might want for fun. It's just an emergency fund that we wanted to set up so she could use it until she turns 18 in case of emergencies (or if she wants a car, or for travelling, and other things not related to college.)

Sources: Reddit
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