'AITA for not paying for my brother and his family to go on vacation with us?' UPDATED 3X

"AITA for not paying for my brother and his family's vacation?"

I (28F) have an older brother Adam (30M) and my Stephanie SIL (28F). Every year my family and I take a big trip and time of year depends on everyone's schedules. This year we collectively agreed for the second week in December. Those going on the trip include my husband Justin (33M) and I, our twin 2 year olds, my parents, and my brother, SIL and their 3 year old.

My mom always makes all of the travel arrangements to ensure everyone is on the same flights, kids sit with parents, hotels are the same, etc. Everyone is on their own for getting to and from the airport at home, but car my mom makes car arrangements from the destination airport to the hotel and hotel to airport when leaving.

While my mom makes the arrangements, my husband and I always Zelle/Venmo my mom for our portion of flights and hotels. My brother and SIL do the same thing. This year everyone agreed to Disney World in Orlando. My mom as usual made all the reservations and what not about 2 months ago. My husband and I paid my mom our portion about a week after the reservations were made.

Last night Adam texted husband asking if we had paid my parents yet. He said we had a while back. Adam then asked Justin if we could pay his family's portion of the trip. Not sure if everyone has been to Disney but it's ridiculously expensive these days. Justin told him we couldn't swing it with our budget at the time.

We both work full time and make decent money but we don't have the kind of money that is just throw away. My brother and SIL both also work full time, and my nephew is not in daycare, my brother's mother in law watches him free, while we pay for 2 kids in daycare. Adam said responded with "Well ok then." and quit texting.

Queue to this morning where I woke up to several texts from Adam calling Justin an a-hole for nothing being a "good brother" and paying for their family. I told Adam I agreed with Justin and we just can't swing the money for them in our budget. I apologized and told Adam he was out of line for calling Justin an a-hole and wouldn't stand for it.

Adam again asked me to pay and said it could be our Christmas present to him, my SIL and my nephew. If I had the spare money to do it that way, I would, but I don't have the ability to do that, so I can't. I told him I couldn't do it and told him to reach out to our parents about a payment plan or something.

Adam called Justin and I AHs and said we ruined their vacation. I'm kind of surprised by my brother's behavior, but are Justin and I the a-holes here?

What do you think? Who's the a-hole here?

This is what top commenters had to say:

No-To-Newspeak said:

NTA. Your brother left it to the very last minute in order to manipulate you into paying. I have no doubt that he has known for a long time that he could not swing it financially. He should have backed out BEFORE your parents made the bookings and paid for everything. He is a major AH for leaving others with the bill.

FloMoJoeBlow said:

NTA at all. Your brother sounds pretty damned entitled to expect someone else to foot the bill for his, his wife's, and his kid's trip to go see Mickey. Not your problem. If they couldn't afford it, they should have raised the issue when the trip was being planned.

Either suggest an alternative that is more affordable, or just bow out of this trip all together. They shouldn't raise the issue only after Mom had booked everything.

FloMoJoeBlow said:

NTA at all. Your brother sounds pretty damned entitled to expect someone else to foot the bill for his, his wife's, and his kid's trip to go see Mickey. Not your problem. If they couldn't afford it, they should have raised the issue when the trip was being planned.

Either suggest an alternative that is more affordable, or just bow out of this trip all together. They shouldn't raise the issue only after Mom had booked everything.

l3ex_G said:

Nta sounds like something is up tho. Talk to your SIL. Does she know this is happening? Sounds like the brother wants to hide his money issues

CuriousTsukihime said:

NTA - sounds like your brother is being pushy because he made promises he couldn’t keep and is freaking out cause it’s down to the wire. Either way, it’s not your job to bankroll his issues.

He’s gotta fess up to mom and either pay her what he owes, ask for help, or back out of the trip. Have fun as Disney! Remember to pick up the Starbucks mugs in the am cause they sell out super fast!

Verdict: NTA.

She then shared these updates:

Update #1 (will be one a little later): I'm still at work but I took the advice of a few on here and reached out to both my mom and SIL (separately) and let them know what Adam did.

My mom and Stephanie BOTH confirmed their portion of the trip HAS ALREADY BEEN PAID, and has been for months. Stephanie had no idea Adam had reached out to Justin and doesn't know why he would. She said she would reign him in and apologized to me for his request.

For those asking why we planned this trip when my brother and SIL couldn't afford it, Disney was their idea. After everyone checked on finances we all agreed and my mom started making arrangements within provided budgets at that point. Sorry that wasn't clear in my initial post. I'm dealing with this at work.

**Update #2** I’m sitting in the parking lot at work before I get my kids and head home but I have some more info. I need to preface this by saying I dearly love my brother but oh my goodness I have no idea how this is my life right now. My SIL talked to my brother. I didn’t know until today they have separate checking accounts and a joint savings.

Their own account is their fun money to use as they please joint account used for shared/household expenses. My husband and I do this as well, cuts down majorly on money arguments, 11/10 would recommend. Anyways, Adam apparently ordered my SIL a pair of diamond studs as a Christmas present and was charged three times for the same item FROM TIFFANY’S.

Rather than dealing with the bank/Tiffany’s he panicked and thought he could get money from Justin and I to make up for it. I feel bad for him but literally laughing at the moment. More to come.

**Third and final update:** So my brother and SIL brought my husband and I dinner and to talk about what happened over the last day. My brother did in fact show up with bank statements confirming the triple charge from Tiffany's. However when he explained what happened, it wasn't a mistake from Tiffany's but rather a user error on his end.

Adam is pretty impatient and when the page did not automatically refresh from the screen where payment info is put in to the confirmation page where the order is confirmed, he hit the submit button in his words "a few times" so in fact he order three pairs of earrings. He apologized to both Justin and I, as well as my SIL. He also is meeting with our parents tomorrow to apologize to them in person.

While I was initially pissed with him, Justin and I both forgave. Don't think for one second though Reddit, that this will not be brought up every time he makes fun of me for the time I tried getting out of his truck with my seatbelt still on. Lol. My brother has since called Tiffany's to cancel the two erroneous purchased pairs of earrings.

I'm sad for my SIL that it's no longer a surprise and told my brother if manages to do this again to just ask for help rather than make up some bullshit. He said he went to Justin first think he would be less likely to make fun of him than I (totally right!).

He couldn't bring himself to own his mistake out of embarrassment, which I get, but I told him just be honest and not hostile. All that said, I only have a little while longer in the day to cuddle my babies so I'll be doing that.