'AITA for not wanting a relationship with my parents now they've cut me off?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for not wanting a relationship with my parents now they've cut me off?"
Here's the original post:
I'm a student. My parents make enough money that when I went through student finance to get my maintenance loan I was told I could only get the minimum (just over 3k a year) because finance is calculated from what your parents earn and there's an assumption that your parents will help you out.
I'm on a high intensity course and I wasn't sure how I'd be able to balance studying and schooling, so when I found out I was going to get minimum I told my parents I wanted to either take the coming year to save up, and then go to my first choice university a year later than planned, or go to my second choice now because I wouldn't be able to afford to live in the city my first choice is in.
My parents then said that they would pay my rent if I went to my first choice on schedule. They set me up in a studio flat, so all I had to do was get a part time job to cover the cost of food and bills.
On 18th February - my 20th birthday - they called me and said that I was relying on them too much and needed to find out what the real world was like by earning my own money, so they would cover my rent and phone for that month (so until end of February) and after that I was on my own.
Then they said that they were still my parents and they loved me, and wanted me to stay in touch, just learn some independence while doing this. I begged them to reconsider but they ended the call, so I had 11 days notice that I would have no flat or phone.
I begged my uni for emergency housing but they said that I had no proof I'd been cut off so they couldn't do anything. I emailed my parents asking them to write a letter stating they'd cut me off so I could sort my student finance and emergency housing, they said no.
I asked work if I could take on more hours and was told that due to my contract I can't do any more than I'm already doing, so I'm now looking for a second job. I'm sleeping on a friend's sofa until a place I can afford opens up, and as I still don't have proof I've been cut off for student finance I will probably have to drop out this summer.
I got a facebook message from them today telling me they were disappointed I didn't call on mum's birthday a couple days ago, and that I've not given them my new phone number yet. I responded telling them the position I'm currently in and that I no longer want a relationship with them. I've gotten a bunch of messages from them and my brothers asking me to reconsider.
My friend says I shouldn't feel bad but I feel incredibly guilty, and like a spoiled brat, because I don't love my family for their money, I love them because they're my family, but at the same time they've really screwed me over here. AITA for not wanting a relationship with them?
What do you think? Is she the AH? Are her parents? Both? Neither? This is what top commenters had to say:
singinscotlawyer said:
NTA - Your parents royally screwed you over here. You had two separate plans to be able to afford to go to university yourself and they said if you went to your first choice they would help you out. To then cut you off with very little warning is completely unfair. I don't blame you for not wanting a relationship with them after they've put you in this position.
RockorRollInitiative said:
NTA, they made an offer and backed out of it, in the middle of a semester. If they wanted you to be independent they should've let you make your own decision to go a year later. Now youre out of a home and struggling financially (and even if you get on top of finances fully, youll be strung too thin for your health) because they pulled the rug from under you.
I understand, it feels real grimy to try to cut ties when money is involved. But really it shouldn't be about the money, it's about the fact they left you out to dry and they expect a "thank you".
amberlikesowls said:
NTA They only gave you an 11 day notice before you had to come up with the money for rent and your phone bill. That's messed up. Then they wouldn't write a letter so you could prove you were financially independent. That's where I find them as TA. You don't have to talk to them if you don't want to.
LarryDavidsCereal said:
Am I reading this right? You were willing to delay your plans so you could get your finances in order and your parents told you not to worry about it, that they would pay- you relied on that and they suddenly cut you off with less than 2 weeks notice? Did something drastic happen to bring this about?
If this is truly what happened, it is incredibly hard to believe they could be -- both of them yet-- this cruel and destructive to their child. I cannot believe there isn't something very relevant missing from the post- but if not, very NTA.
Verdict: Very much NTA.
She later posted this dramatic update:
I messaged them asking why they cut me off, saying the least they could do was explain why they're fine leaving me homeless. They responded. My friend (the one I'm staying with) is an out and proud lesbian.
There are maybe 2 posts about me on her social media, one being a group shot of us and some people we were studying with in the library with me and her sat together, and another from a couple days before my birthday where she posted a photo of me when we went to lunch because we weren't planning on seeing each other on my actual birthday,
and in the caption she refers to me as "princess" in a clearly joking way. My brothers then showed our parents and told them I was a lesbian and she was my girlfriend. So now I have proof that they cut me off, proof they're homophobic and confirmation that they can and will switch on me at the drop of a hat,
as well as proof of my brothers (who are older than me and living with our parents) being jealous sh!t heads. They didn't just tell me this on the phone because they hoped I'd figure it out, which is tricky. Apparently there's enough affection still there for them to expect a call on mum's birthday, but not enough to not totally fuck me over. So yeah, never talking to them again. Any of them.
I've sent the screenshots to the person I spoke to in emergency housing, though I've been warned that for something called "emergency" housing it's not very fast. My friend has said I can stay with her as long as I need. The reply my parents sent hasn't explicitly said the phrase "we cut you off because" but given the context of them replying to my message asking why it should be enough.
Thanks everyone, I felt really crappy cutting them off over finances, but now I know they're pure evil I don't feel so bad. I've also sent my parents the screenshots of my brother confirming that he and my brother lied about me, and they've very apologetic, but that doesn't change anything. As my brothers live with my parents, I hope they're all very happy together right now.
New plan: changing the focus of my studies going into third year to focus on the subjects I want to do, not the ones my parents wanted me to do. If I do this, I have a far better shot at getting a work placement (it's far less popular than my current field of study) and if I get a work placement I can spend my third year working full time, earning a bit of cash, and then resume my studies the following year.
Failing this, and if I can't get any help from the university or student finance, then I will defer my third year and work full time for a year. My friend says I can stay with her as long as I need and has said if I can't get emergency housing but can sort out my placement or another job then we could get a place together next year so I have a confirmed roommate. I no longer think I'm TA.
And then she added this addendum:
So here's the thing. I might not be straight. I'm figuring it out and I don't really have the capacity to go through it right now, but I've never said anything to anyone, at all, ever, because I knew my parents were homophobic, so my brothers may have thought they were lying but they also may have been inadvertently correct, and I have to say being correct by accident is very typical of them.
But that's not the end of her story! She later shared this second update:
So here's how everything has shaped up:
I won't be getting emergency housing from uni. I've not heard anything and there's less than a month left before summer, so I'd be shocked if I got it at this stage.
I'm still living with my friend. She got me a job at her workplace but refuses to take any rent off me so I've been repaying her by sneakily buying food and cooking her dinner as I get home before her. We have plans to move in together this summer ready for next year.
My parents have done a complete 180 and now want me to forgive them so badly that they're still refusing to sign a letter showing they've cut me off, so I'm still fucked with student finance.
My parents have also offered me my truck back, so me, my roommate, and 2 more friends will be going to my parents' house some time soon to collect my truck and some things from my room. My tutor has written a letter for me for student finance which they might accept but I'm waiting to hear back.
My course changes were approved so now I'm doing what I want, not what my parents want, and it looks like I got my work placement, so I'll be either working and studying part time for 2 years or working all next year and finishing studies the year after. Either way I'll be adding an extra year to my course but I get paid and get relevant experience in my field.
Ultimately, everything seems to have worked out as well as it could. Thanks to everyone who commented because a lot of you had great advice and thought of stuff I didn't, and I was truly concerned that I was in the wrong so thanks for the reassurance, too.
I will also be booking a session with the on campus mental health professional because this has really shone a light on just how screwed up my family is. Thanks again :)