'AITA for telling my daughter the truth about her late mother who cheated multiple times?'

"AITA for telling my daughter the truth about my relationship with her late mother (she cheated multiple times) after my daughter said she wants a relationship with her future spouse like we had."

He writes:

This is the first time I have ever told any of my three kids that their mother was unfaithful, and it was not something I ever intended to share with them especially now that their mother has passed, but in that moment it seemed like it needed to be said.

Partly I felt this way because my therapist and I have been talking a lot lately about truth and the dangers of holding my truth inside. She didn't tell my I had to tell my kids, but she did say I would probably struggle to move on and gain closure as long as I had to keep pretending like my marriage was a happy one.

It would be years of having to keep up the facade which would only keep that wound raw. She was right about it. Even though my daughter is upset I do feel better now that I can finally stop pretending like my marriage was anything more than a sham and loveless for the most part.

The other factor which led me to tell my daughter was some of her comments about my marriage but moreso one comment she made about our parenting. She didn't say she loved her mother more than me or that I was a bad father to her, but she said in her own way that she thinks her mom made more sacrifices for our family and the kids than I did which is why she admires her so much.

It's the first time she has ever said anything like this to me, and I would be lying if I said it wasn't devastating to hear that. It's true that I was not able to be as present as my wife at all times since for parts of my marriage I was the sole provider and had to work late, but I attended nearly every event, game, recital, and special event my kids had.

It was even more hurtful because at one point our wife was planning to leave me and our kids to start a new life with her affair partner while I would never have even given a thought to doing something like that. It wasn't even a brief thought of hers. She had already made plans to do it but changed her mind at the last minute.

When I told my version of events to my daughter, she became very angry, which I understand. She told me I should never have told her this and I was selfish for not keeping this to myself. She hates me for ruining the image she has of her mother and her memories of her, and she told me not to even think of telling her siblings. If I do she says she is done with me.

It is hard for me not to be frustrated with my daughter because her immediate response was to defend her mother and blame me for not going to my grave with this secret, even if it meant many more years of pain. I am not sure if I will tell my other kids or not.

Am I the a-hole like my daughter says? WIBTA if I told my other kids the same thing I told my daughter?

In the comments, OP added:

[My daughters] are all in their 20s. My daughter is 24. She is starting to get more serious with her boyfriend. She was telling me this while she was over for a visit.

He also wrote:

It's hard not to beat myself up over this when I can see how much my daughter is hurting. It's also not easy to hear your child tell you that they hate you no matter how old they are. I think that is one of the worst things you as a parent can ever hear from your child.

Do you think he crossed a line by telling his daughter the truth about his late wife's infidelity?

This is what top commenters had to say:

DeepSeaFacial said:

NTA. The truth hurts but often it can be freeing. For you it is. It sucks that this ideal image she had of her mother is gone. I am a daughter who lost a mother and found out a lot about my mom after she died that I wish I didn't because the person I would talk to about it was dead.

However years later I was able to appreciate that while my mother was a good mom she was her own human being and it didn't stop because she was my mother. I got to learn more about her and meet friends of hers I didn't know existed. It was a hard journey that changed how I viewed life because everything I thought I knew was turned on its head.

But I grew into who I am today and while I'm not perfect I can stand to look at myself in the mirror and be happy with who looks back and I feel pretty good about that.

aphrodora said:

NTA Your daughter needs to know your relationship was not as happy as she thought it was because she will model her future relationships on it.

She needs to know the truth so that she can be realistic about romantic relationships and not blindly follow the relationship model she grew up with when it was in fact a failure. Maybe explain that you didn't want to hurt her, you just did not want her to repeat your (you and your wife) past mistakes.

aphrodora said:

NTA Your daughter needs to know your relationship was not as happy as she thought it was because she will model her future relationships on it. She needs to know the truth so that she can be realistic about romantic relationships and not blindly follow the relationship model she grew up with when it was in fact a failure.

Maybe explain that you didn't want to hurt her, you just did not want her to repeat your (you and your wife) past mistakes.

justhereformemes2 said:

I don’t even know who’s TA but it sounds like you told your daughter this mainly because you were hurt she “picked her mum” over you, not because you wanted to open up to her and further your healing journey. I could be wrong though.

Clorox_Hero said:

NTA, they had the wrong image of their mother and they may be mad now but they deserve to know the truth. They will eventually thank you for being upfront and honest

Arra13375 said:

Totally NTA I hope you don't beat yourself up over this.

And [deleted] said:

NAH- you made a decision based on your mental health which in turn impacted your child but you also gave your kid a honest view of what exactly happened. You were between a rock and hard place. I don't think you'll have to tell your other kids, I'm sure your daughter will do that for you. I would suggest family counseling now

Verdict: NTA. Do you agree?!