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Dad wants to tell daughter's fiancé her 'dark secret' before they get married. 'AITA?'

Dad wants to tell daughter's fiancé her 'dark secret' before they get married. 'AITA?'


"AITA for wanting my daughter’s boyfriend/soon-to-be fiance to know her dark secret before marriage?"

Here's the story:

I’m the dad of a 25 year old young woman who I love very much. I’ve been able to have a good relationship with my daughter and I enjoy my time with her, but there’s one thing about her that would give many people pause - she is a diagnosed sociopath.

She exhibited odd, disturbing behavior at a young age, and after a serious incident of abuse towards her younger sister, I realized she needed professional help. Throughout her elementary years she struggled heavily, getting in lots of trouble in school for lying, cruelty and all other types of misbehaviors.

With an enormous amount of therapy & support, her bad behavior was minimized as she grew older. She received an ASPD diagnosis at 18, and I had suspected it for long prior.

After her aggressive behavior was tamed, her following years were much more fruitful. She’s law-abiding; has a decent job and a good education; and has many good friendships and admirers. Especially male admirers; she is very, very charming and adept at attracting guys and maintaining their interest. She uses that old dating guide “The Rules” like a Bible.

She currently has a boyfriend of about a year and a half who’s crazy about her, and who I have a very strong relationship with (we live in the same area and spend time together regularly). He is a great guy, very kind, funny and intelligent. But I doubt she loves him.

We’ve had some very honest, in-depth discussions about her mental health since her diagnosis, and she’s been open with me that she doesn’t feel love or empathy towards anyone, even family. When she acted very sad and broken up over the death of one of her closest friends at the funeral, she confessed to me privately that it was all a put-on, and that she felt “pretty neutral” about the whole thing.

She has also stated she has never once felt guilty about anything she’s ever done, and doesn’t know what guilt feels like. While she enjoys being around her boyfriend and is sexually attracted to him, I highly doubt she feels much of anything towards him love-wise.

Her boyfriend (who might propose soon) has no idea about her diagnosis, and she’s been very upfront with me that she has no plans to ever tell him, thinking it’ll scare him away. I’ve made it clear to her that she needs to tell him the truth before they marry; that he has the right to know and consider it; or I will; to which she always responds, “I know you wouldn’t dare.”

I actually would - I really like and respect this young man, and would feel awful keeping this “secret” from him, and letting him walk into a marriage without this piece of knowledge.

I’m not trying to sabotage my daughter’s future. Maybe her boyfriend’s love of her personality and other aspects is enough that it won’t end the relationship. It’s his decision to make; but he deserves all the facts. Someday he’s bound to find out she’s a bit “off”; it can’t be kept a secret forever. AITA?

Here's what top commenters had to say:

[deleted] said:

Wow. That's the hardest AITA I've read in a long time. You're ethically compromised either way. It's probably best you stay out of it.

yuumai said:

I think the guy needs to know, deserves to know, but what if it does destroy the relationship? I can't imagine what it could mean for OP to have his sociopath daughter be very angry at him. Damn OP, I'm so sorry. NTA, but I don't know if you should follow through with telling him or not.

shh_secret_savy said:

NTA - holy crap what an awful situation to be in. I know she’s your daughter but this is marriage for this guy and he deserves to know. You already told her you were going to tell if she didn’t, so I think you should.

decemberandjuly said:

Simply for any future children they may have, I say NTA. If this guy wants kids, it’s really going to suck to find out he is coparenting with a sociopath. Also is ASPD genetic? If so he definitely deserves to know.

PopCornJolly said:

Goodness this is tough. Put me down for NTA because I’d really want to know that info before marrying. That of course doesn’t mean you’re not at fault for “outting”your daughter but IMO it’s for the greater good.

PopCornJolly said:

Goodness this is tough. Put me down for NTA because I’d really want to know that info before marrying. That of course doesn’t mean you’re not at fault for “outting”your daughter but IMO it’s for the greater good.

zuzumotai said:

This is very difficult but I'm going to go with ESH. She should tell him, you're right. He does deserve all the facts. He deserves to know. But "I'm not trying to sabotage my daughter's future." You sort of are. She is a functioning sociopath and is trying to be a normal person. She feels incapable of love but has found the closest thing possible to it in this relationship.

If YOU told her boyfriend "She's a sociopath and I doubt she can ever really feel love for you the way most people do," you're either going to make them both mad, or you're going to drive this boy out of your daughter's life. And I don't think you should be the one making that move.

It's a hard place to be. Whose feelings do you want to put first? If they're both happy, why ruin a good thing? He does deserve it, but is it really your move to make? Is her mental issue something YOU have the right to disclose? THis is possibly a mistake she's making, but maybe she should learn to make her mistakes herself, otherwise she'll just do this again.

Discothecube said:

NTA. You should tell him, but he probably won't believe you. He is getting into something really dangerous with someone who doesn't react or respond in the way a normal person would. Almost anyone would want to know this.

To echo everyone, man, this is a tough one. What would you do?

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