'I took a DNA test, and possibly discovered an affair.' UPDATED
"I took a DNA test, and possibly discovered an affair."
I (25f) have lived most of my life wondering about who my father is and why he wasn’t here. I have asked my mother in the past and she has told me so many different things I don’t know what is true or if any of it is.
My favorites are: your special pumpkin you don’t have a dad and don’t need one (told to me when I was 5 or 6 as soon as I was in school I found out that was a bold face lie of course).
There is the classic he doesn’t want to be involved/I never told him, and lastly it could be two options based on looks it could be John I worked with him and he left for the marines after they were together and she had no contacts for him, while the other option Brad is a convict and is in prison.
Both are lies my grandma also worked at the same place with my mom and she said there was no John that worked there and no one that she knew of that left for the marines.
That left “Brad” I lived in a county that had open court records and of course the sex offender list is open I searched for every name on that list in my county and the surrounding area and there was no Brad, Bradley, Brandon etc that would fit time wise of conception and what not.
My mother also got extremely angry if I ever asked about my father saying I don’t need to know and it shouldn’t matter. So I dropped it when I was 15 well at least mentioning it to her.
Fast forward to last January my partner was gifted a DNA test for Christmas and she gave it to me because she knew how much it hurt not to know, it’s such a hard feeling to explain not knowing a parent. Any way I cried so much staring at the box so many feelings and anticipation it was so overwhelming. I went through with it, spit in the tube and sent it in the mail.
Six weeks later I got the results, my heart was POUNDING when I got the email. I opened my results first it was my genetic make up and what cultures my ancestors were from (no real surprises there) I scrolled down and it was my DNA matches. My top relation is my half brother, and he is 9 years older than me. I didn’t know what to feel and I was so confused and had so many unexpected questions and feelings.
I told my partner my brother’s name and with her ADHD hyper fixation powers she found him on Facebook. Of course there were a few options but there was no doubt he is my bother we have very similar facial features primarily in our eyes and nose, then I noticed he has a cleft chin like I do and no one on my moms side has it.
With this I put on my detective hat and I have two sisters as well one is 7 years older than me and the other a year younger, we all look like too same nose and eyes. I found my father (again very similar features) and his wife from there, and her page was public.
As you can imagine there was plenty of info! I found that she has been married to my father for 28 years they also had to have been together prior to that because of the age of my older siblings and well I’m 25… basically the math ain’t mathing and he most likely cheated on his wife with my mom.
To add to the drama my mom may have been living with him because she moved out of my grandparents house when she was 18 to live with some guy. I mainly know this from my grandma because to this day she’s still pissed about it. However my grandma did say that my mom insisted that she was just living there and there was no romantic or sexual relationship between the two of them.
So this dude could have been my father which makes me think he was possibly separated from his wife or that he is really just some random guy that’s irrelevant to my existence.
My problem is I can’t decide if I should reach out or not because I could possibly be ruining a 28+year relationship and maybe his relationship with his kids. Also if I should reach out to my half brother who is the one I matched with or the guy that I’m pretty sure is my father as it’s listed on bros Facebook and we look alike. So should I reach out? And to who?
Edit Since I’ve gotten the comment a lot, yes I do know he may get/has gotten a notification about me matching him. I used ancestry dna and they just send out an email for alerts unless you have the app. So I of course don’t know if he has seen it but yes he should have been notified in some way.