'I took a DNA test, and possibly discovered an affair.' UPDATED
"I took a DNA test, and possibly discovered an affair."
I (25f) have lived most of my life wondering about who my father is and why he wasn’t here. I have asked my mother in the past and she has told me so many different things I don’t know what is true or if any of it is.
My favorites are: your special pumpkin you don’t have a dad and don’t need one (told to me when I was 5 or 6 as soon as I was in school I found out that was a bold face lie of course).
There is the classic he doesn’t want to be involved/I never told him, and lastly it could be two options based on looks it could be John I worked with him and he left for the marines after they were together and she had no contacts for him, while the other option Brad is a convict and is in prison.
Both are lies my grandma also worked at the same place with my mom and she said there was no John that worked there and no one that she knew of that left for the marines.
That left “Brad” I lived in a county that had open court records and of course the sex offender list is open I searched for every name on that list in my county and the surrounding area and there was no Brad, Bradley, Brandon etc that would fit time wise of conception and what not.
My mother also got extremely angry if I ever asked about my father saying I don’t need to know and it shouldn’t matter. So I dropped it when I was 15 well at least mentioning it to her.
Fast forward to last January my partner was gifted a DNA test for Christmas and she gave it to me because she knew how much it hurt not to know, it’s such a hard feeling to explain not knowing a parent. Any way I cried so much staring at the box so many feelings and anticipation it was so overwhelming. I went through with it, spit in the tube and sent it in the mail.
Six weeks later I got the results, my heart was POUNDING when I got the email. I opened my results first it was my genetic make up and what cultures my ancestors were from (no real surprises there) I scrolled down and it was my DNA matches. My top relation is my half brother, and he is 9 years older than me. I didn’t know what to feel and I was so confused and had so many unexpected questions and feelings.
I told my partner my brother’s name and with her ADHD hyper fixation powers she found him on Facebook. Of course there were a few options but there was no doubt he is my bother we have very similar facial features primarily in our eyes and nose, then I noticed he has a cleft chin like I do and no one on my moms side has it.
With this I put on my detective hat and I have two sisters as well one is 7 years older than me and the other a year younger, we all look like too same nose and eyes. I found my father (again very similar features) and his wife from there, and her page was public.
As you can imagine there was plenty of info! I found that she has been married to my father for 28 years they also had to have been together prior to that because of the age of my older siblings and well I’m 25… basically the math ain’t mathing and he most likely cheated on his wife with my mom.
To add to the drama my mom may have been living with him because she moved out of my grandparents house when she was 18 to live with some guy. I mainly know this from my grandma because to this day she’s still pissed about it. However my grandma did say that my mom insisted that she was just living there and there was no romantic or sexual relationship between the two of them.
So this dude could have been my father which makes me think he was possibly separated from his wife or that he is really just some random guy that’s irrelevant to my existence.
My problem is I can’t decide if I should reach out or not because I could possibly be ruining a 28+year relationship and maybe his relationship with his kids. Also if I should reach out to my half brother who is the one I matched with or the guy that I’m pretty sure is my father as it’s listed on bros Facebook and we look alike. So should I reach out? And to who?
Edit Since I’ve gotten the comment a lot, yes I do know he may get/has gotten a notification about me matching him. I used ancestry dna and they just send out an email for alerts unless you have the app. So I of course don’t know if he has seen it but yes he should have been notified in some way.
What do you think she should do? This is what top commenters had to say:
The fact your mom worked so hard to keep this from you tells me she knew very well he was married, op.
Coashen OP:
I don’t know why I never thought of that but that makes so much sense
Yeah, no offense OP, but your mom kinda sucks in this scenario. I understand she may have fucked up sleeping with a married man, but keeping your paternal history from you is wrong.
Even if you couldn’t have a relationship with your father, you were at least owed the knowledge of who he was just for the sake of SOME closure. She essentially created a void in your developmental psychology, then just hoped it would go away with time. That’s not how people work though.
Coashen OP:
None taken she honestly sucks in a lot of situations, my grandma helped with a good amount of the pieces from her suspensions and some snooping in my moms stuff (she has no chill 😅) but my mother lied to her about a lot of what happened too. The only thing I know for certain is my mom really wanted a baby
Since your half brother can see his match to you, he is probably sitting around thinking if he should reach out to you.... There is a group on Facebook called Search Squad. They mostly deal with adoptees trying to find their bio parents. They have a file with alot of information with suggestions on how to reach out. What to do and not to do. You may want to join that group and take a look.
Through DNA I found out my grandmother had an affair. The man who raised my father as his son was NOT his father. My father never knew. Grandma took this info to her grave. Good luck.
Coashen OP:
I really appreciate this! I will definitely check that out I have also been debating what to say I’ve written so many drafts over the last year
7 months later OP came back with this update:
Hey everyone it’s been a bit since I’ve posted the original but it took me awhile to build up the courage to actually say anything to anyone about the DNA results.
I still haven’t told my mom about it, she knows I took the test but not that I have any significant matches like a half brother. I’m not sure if or when I tell her honestly. Our relationship has always been an odd one and I still have a bit of fear when it comes to making her upset.
Anywho down to the anticlimactic part I messaged my brother, the man I believe to be my father didn’t have messaging on Facebook so by default I had one option left. It took several days for him to reply enough that I had started to assume I just wouldn’t hear anything which is fine but also sucks. He finally replied though, and I wasn’t expecting the answer I got to say the least.
He told me that he wasn’t surprised to hear that he had another sibling as far as he knew I was one of 5 all with different mothers. He also told me his name which is Brian definitely not Brad but ya know close enough. He also told me my father died two years ago.
I really don’t know how to describe how I’m feeling but it’s a lot honestly. I was so set on the idea that my brothers step dad was my father and maybe I would get to meet him and maybe have a connection but then I was also scared and just didn’t know what result I wanted from this whole thing.
I know not a great ending to the story but I wanted to give some closure to anyone who comes upon this story.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
I'm sorry you won't get the chance to meet him. That must be very disappointing. I hope you can connect with your siblings, if that's what you want. Good luck.
First, my condolences about your father. It's not the closure you wanted, and probably not closure at all, and it sucks. Second, is your brother willing to meet? Or introduce you to any of your other siblings? Is that something you even want?
Coashen OP:
He hasn’t mentioned anything about wanting to meet but he said he still talks to one of the siblings my half sister and she would probably be interested in at least talking to me though just found out we are the same age so that’s interesting. I’m not sure which of us came first but could also be part of why my mom never said anything still could be an affair baby apparently 🤦🏼♀️
When I finally found my birth parents at age 30 I learned my birth dad died a few years after I was born in an accident. He never knew he had a child and learning he was dead for 25+ years while I was imagining him out there in the world somewhere was a weird mix of grief and disappointment. I’m sorry you’re learning of disappointing news, I wish you the best.
Coashen OP:
That’s a good way to put it grief and disappointment. I’m sorry to hear your story too