'Am I wrong for helping my dad's former mistress and her daughter?' UPDATED
"Am I wrong for helping my dads former mistress and her daughter?"
Here's the original post:
I(25F) was an only child until all this went down. My mom(45F) and dad(65M) have been married for 26 years. So yeah when they got together my mom was 19 and my dad was almost 40. My whole life I thought their age gap was weird, however my parents for the most part appeared to be happy an in love. They adore me, so I guess I never really saw the problem until I put all the pieces together.
My mom and dad are both professors, but at different colleges. My dad has always been that professor to go the extra mile and help students. I noticed in my late teen years he’d tutor students at our house.
A couple of times he did it when my mom wasn’t home and the students were usually female. When this would happen I’d tell my mom and she would always shut me down. She wasn’t defensive, more dismissive. I moved out when I was 18 so I didn’t see anything else.
My dad retired pretty abruptly at the start of last year. He never gave any hint that he’d do this, he loves his job. I have now found out my dad got a 20 year old student pregnant. We will call her Bea. Bea(22F) threatened to report him if he didn’t help out with the child and he retired and ghosted her. Bea got in contact with me and explained everything.
That my dad manipulated her, said my mom was evil and that he’d leave my mom for her. She admits to being stupid and in love. They had a relationship for about a month then he started ignoring her. She sent me a photo of my half sister and she looked exactly like me, she’s almost 2. Bea asked me to meet her and her daughter, and I said I’d think about it.
I decided to let my know mom before hand and to my disgust she already knew. Bea has been contacting my mother this whole time and my mother ignored her. Bea and her daughter live in their car and all she wanted was a little support so they weren’t homeless. I was disgusted with my mother and father.
My dad ended up coming in to the room in the middle of the conversation and told me Bea was just a sl*t and the kid wasn’t his. He also admitted to cheating and said my mom had forgiven him. My mom laughed and said Bea was beneath them and if she wants help she can get on assistance. I was so angry I yelled at them. My dad asked how he could make it better and I said get a DNA test.
It’s been a few weeks and my dad is the father. I have met my little sister and Bea and I love them both so much already. Bea and her daughter have moved in with me and I’m helping Bea get a lawyer so she can go after my dad for child support. I’ve also found out my dad has had affairs with dozens of women ages 18-20. My dads a creep and I can’t even look at him.
My mom found out about Bea and my sister living with me and she won’t stop calling and texting me. She keeps calling me a traitor and saying if I don’t make this right she’ll disown me. I love my mom, I do, but I told her she has no right judging me when she knew all of this and did nothing to help and didn’t hold my dad accountable.
My dad sent me a text saying my mom won’t leave the house and she has been crying because she just wants me to let this go. I ignored him. I don’t know why I’m choosing this hill to die on but it just feels like the right thing to do.
However, I’m having second thoughts everyone is so upset and even Bea says I don’t have to do this because she can see how stressed I am. So I guess I just need to know for sure. Am I wrong?
Do you think she's doing the wrong thing? Here's what top commenters had to say:
NikkeiReigns said:
I'd be willing to bet you have a few more siblings you don't know about.
Fun_Concentrate_7844 said:
YNW....you're actually the only member in your family with any decent morals.
Qwerty_Cutie1 said:
NTA, I'm sorry but you're dad is a straight up predator. I feel for your mum because it sounds like she was young and groomed by him but that doesn't excuse her turning her back on her husband's beahviour. It's just all around gross. Good for you helping Bea and your half-sister out. If I was in your shoes I would cut them out until they're ready to face up to everything
Kampfzwerg0 said:
I understand your mother's anger. But your father is the AH. You are not the traitor, he is. And that’s what you should tell your mother. He screwed up. Even if they had an open relationship, this behaviour is not ok.
Three days after her original post, OP shared this update on the situation:
I’ve agreed to meet with my mom. We spoke a bit and she told me she loves me. She apologized to me and said she will answer anything I have to ask. She said there’s no excuse for her actions but that she couldn’t tell me everything right now and we set a date to meet.
The way she was acting on the phone was concerning, I do believe my dad might’ve been trying to listen in the background. She also wants to apologize to Bea and her daughter.
I’m leaving that up to Bea. I told her I want complete honesty and if I feel like she’s being disingenuous I’m going NC. That meeting will happen this weekend and I will update you guys as soon as I can. I have no interest in being in contact with my dad. I also just wanted to clear some things up because it keeps being brought up in the comments:
1. My mother was never a student of my dads. She lived in a different state when they met, and she never attended the place he taught at.
2. Anytime I saw a woman in our house my mother was not there. She was either at work or traveling for work.
3. My mother got pregnant with me AFTER she was already married to my dad. He did not marry her because she was pregnant but I do believe he has always been this way and she chose to stay with him because of me. My mothers side of the family is pretty conservative so I imagine a divorce would not have went over well. I am going to ask her about that directly to be sure.
4. My dad has never been married before my mother.
The good news is Bea starts her new job on Monday and she’s super excited. I have been spending a lot of time with her and my sister and I feel honored to be apart of their lives. Bea said she’s going to move out of my place as soon as she can, not because of anything bad but she feels I need my space back.
I told her she’s welcome anytime and we are actually scouting places within walking distance of my place so I can help with my sister.
Thank you guys so much for the support. This whole situation has been so stressful and overwhelming. Reading all the encouraging comments have really helped.