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Family tells daughter baby's birthday party 'disrespects' brother's memory. AITA?

Family tells daughter baby's birthday party 'disrespects' brother's memory. AITA?


The loss of a family member, especially a child, is heartbreaking and something a family carries with them the rest of their lives.

It is a pain that hits the whole family. One woman tells the sad story or her brother's death on his birthday. Her whole family was devastated and birthdays carried a new, dark meaning for them. They decided as a family that they would not celebrate birthdays anymore. It was too painful. But, when her daughter was born, the idea of birth and its celebration brought on a whole new, healing meaning for her and her husband. She didn't want to hurt her family, but she wanted her daughter to know how much she was loved. They decided to have a private, secret party for their daughter's first birthday. But secrets can rarely last when it comes to family.

AITA for blowing up at my husband for sharing pics of our daughter's birthday celebration, resulting in my family finding out about it?


Ever since my brother passed away at the age of 17 on his birthday, my family decided to never celebrate birthdays ever again. It was mom & dad's decision; but because of how much the family loved my brother, extended family decided to do the same and stand in agreement with this decision.

My husband would refuse to follow this decision, and kept celebrating his birthday. Me and the family didn't say a thing about it since he's not blood family. But when I first got pregnant, the argument about celebrating our daughter's birthdays occurred.

My family advised me to just not celebrate her birthday since she's a baby and won't even remember anyway. I agreed but my husband threw a fit and insisted that we celebrate our daughter's 1st birthday. I caved in eventually but told him we'd have a small, secret celebration so that my family wouldn't find out. He agreed.

The next day, I got a call from mom and she was so upset saying that my word meant nothing and that I have no respect for my brother's memory nor the family. I asked what she meant and she told me she saw the birthday party pics my husband posted on social media.

I was too shocked to even argue. I hung up and went straight to my husband to confront him about it. He got defensive and said that he didn't need my permission to post pics, and that he wanted to show his family the birthday celebration pics since I 'insisted' we have a small, secret party and 'exclude' them.

I explained to him how this made me look bad and a liar to my family but he said 'they can get over it' and called my mom 'snoopy'. I blew up at him and we had a huge fight about it.

He started sulking later and said I ruined the memory of our daughter's first birthday for him and 'verbally abused' him with how I lashed out. But I solely did it out of frustration knowing that what happened caused a massive problem between me and family.

Now he's expecting an apology from me. AITA?



YTA, and your family. This is out of control. That is an insane thing to agree to concerning people who weren't even BORN at the time. Your children and husband did not consent to this.

It honestly sounds like your family might need some therapy all around. It is sad someone died but the living should not have to pay a price for it every year. Birthdays are about celebrating the LIFE of the person BORN THAT DAY, not about the death of a person born a different day.

You do look bad, and you are a liar. You should have stood up and said 'We celebrating the life of my daughter' to your family. Go apologize to your husband.


I feel like this would make a child resent the memory of their uncle more than anything.



Your brothers memory is being kept alive by conflict and resentment. Is that really what he might have wanted? That his remaining family would never again celebrate a birthday, and that they would shame people for doing so?

I would be asking Zeus to loan me some lightning bolts if I were sitting up on the clouds and watching this unfold.

I'm sure the memory is painful for all of you, but insisting that nobody in your family ever celebrates birthdays again is deranged. Cultures around the globe have been celebrating birthdays for millennia.

And now you're being shitty to your husband who didn't really do anything wrong, other than not being willing to capitulate to insane demands from his in laws.


YTA SO HARD 😂 so any kids you have are never ever allowed birthdays because your brother died? Your family all need counselling.


YTA, and so is your birth family. Whole generations should not be made to mourn someone they've never seen, and neither should it be binding on the decedent's brother-in-law or niece.

I'd suggest you tell your family you're finally done mourning your brother.

Your daughter is entitled to have her birthdays celebrated. I can just picture in 5 years the lovely conversation you'll have: 'I know your schoolmates have birthday parties, birthday cakes, and birthday gifts, and you can't have one. That's because your uncle's dead.' Jesus Christ on a Triscuit!

It's time to stop the madness.



Your whole family is. Refusing to celebrate your daughter's birthday because your brother died is ridiculous. Celebrate the living, your daughter is the one that matters here. Your brother is beyond caring.


Sources: Reddit
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