'AITA for asking my mom to stop name-dropping famous people I know in family conversations?'
It's normal for parents to want to brag about their kids, but that doesn't mean the kids are always comfortable with it.
In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a man asked if he was wrong for asking his mom to stop name-dropping famous people he's met in conversations. He wrote:
"AITA for asking my mother to stop name-dropping some of the famous people I know in family conversations?"
A brief context: my (33M) family thought I was crazy when I applied for art school 15 years ago.
Some of my aunts made openly snarky remarks when I decided to specialize in make-up design (with the risk of sounding judgmental, they were all born and raised in a small town with backward values, and the thought of me - A MAN! - becoming a make-up artist was more than they could handle without making some "scandalous" assumptions about my sexual orientation).
Now I’m steadily working as a VFX make-up artist and my resume includes a list of independent movies and mainstream TV productions. That line of work led me to meet and interact with some famous people here and there.
But what I just realized when I went back home for my mother’s (60F) birthday is that she is actively “showing me off” to our family and her friends, always mentioning some famous person I got to meet as a conversation starter.I asked her (in private, not in front of her guests) not to do that; it makes me uncomfortable and it leads to people asking for juicy stories that I’m not willing to share.
My mother says she was just proud of me and there’s no harm in her talking about my “success” (her words, not mine – I never called myself successful). I got the feeling that she also wants to rub my career in her sisters' faces (the ones who so loudly criticized my choices).
If that's the case, this is something she is doing for her own reasons, because I don't care about that and don't need my mother to defend me. I told her all of that, and to make sure she understood I was serious, I said I wouldn't go back home so soon if that's what I have to deal with when I'm there.
Later, she told my father (62M) about our talk, and he told me she was very upset that I called her out over a simple “proud mama” behavior. Was I the AH to say anything? Maybe I should just let her have her fun.
Redditors had a lot to say in response.
StAlvis wrote:
YTA.
"When I went back home for my mother’s (60F) birthday is that she is actively “showing me off” to our family and her friends, always mentioning some famous person I got to meet as a conversation starter."
... yeah? Of f**king course she is?
"simple “proud mama” behavior"
"It makes me uncomfortable and it leads to people asking for juicy stories that I’m not willing to share."
How hard is it to just politely explain that you're a professional and you wouldn't want to gossip about what are essentially your co-workers, but that you're happy to talk about your craft itself?
OP responded:
I’ll try to explain why this can become a pickle…my mother doesn’t show she’s proud of my work for the work itself (“see this make up in this famous person? my son did it!”); her validation comes from the celebrity status of this other person.
So if there’s a wrap party, which is commonplace in many productions, she will tell my aunts: “my son was partying last night with (famous person’s name)”. Never mind I never even get to interact with this person beyond the make-up chair.
So when an aunt starts a conversation with “so (famous person) invited you to a party”, there’s too much to explain, and the reality will make my mother look like a bragger in front of the same people she wants to impress through me, and through this famous person. And then the evil aunts talk will be all about my mother’s “deception”.
I know how my family dynamics work, and that’s why I thought it was for the best to keep my mother in check. I know I can go with the standard "I can't say anything because this is a work relationship", but it ultimately puts me in a position of lying to people I couldn't care less about impressing.
Forward_Dig2359 wrote:
NAH. There’s nothing wrong with asking your mother to tone down her bragging, if it makes you uncomfortable. However, there’s also nothing wrong with her being proud of you and wanting to let people know. I understand you feel weird about the fact that your family wasn’t initially supportive of your career choice and now they’re excited about your success.
That’s such a common thing though, due to generational differences. Plus, don’t you get any joy from rubbing your homophobic aunts’ noses in it?
These-Ice-1035 wrote:
NTA. It's your life and career. She can be proud of you without disrespecting your wishes. She shouldn't use your success in your chosen field as a weapon against other family members irrespective of whether or not they were wrong.
I would counsel that you explain this to your mum again, preferably quietly, and say that whilst you appreciate her being proud you are not comfortable with her boasting about you to others.
Toniadion1974 wrote:
YTA. Just slightly though. She is a proud mama. Let her brag. If someone asks you for a good story, then just say "Sorry, I signed a NDA"
You don't have to go NC and not visit, that is just ridiculous.
OP responded:
To be clear, I wasn't thinking of going NC. She comes to visit constantly with my father. What I didn't want to deal with was the family dynamics when I go back home if she's keen on parading me around.
Impossible_Rain_4727 wrote:
Light YTA - She absolutely was trying to rub it in their faces. As you say, a small town with backward values. If your Aunt's were openly snarky to you, just imagine what that they were saying about you to your mother when you were out of earshot. Now she can rub it in their faces.
And it isn't just about defending you, she is also defending herself and her parenting ability/choices, which would have also been questioned. If she was someone who always supported you and your decisions, regardless of the negative comments she received, I would just let her have her fun.
This is a situation that no one can agree on, which means we need your hot take in the comment section.