'Fit' bro tells twin 'stop being lazy if you want to have a better body like mine'.

Having a twin often means getting compared to them constantly, and sometimes the pressure is just too much.

When an in-shape young man had a verbal altercation with his less in-shape fraternal twin in front of the whole family, he decided to turn to Reddit to check if he was in the wrong.

'AITA (Am I the a-hole) for bluntly telling my plus size twin the truth about why he doesn’t look like me?'

u/Background-Hall965 writes:

Hey everyone, I'm in a bit of a tough situation with my (not identical) twin brother and I'm not sure if I was in the wrong.

For context, my twin (19M) and I (19M) have always been pretty different physically. I've always been more into fitness and taking care of my body, while my twin has struggled with obesity for most of his life.

That's got to be hard for him.

Recently, I've been posting pictures on my Instagram wearing nice suits and tight pants and showing off my body a bit. My twin has become increasingly jealous of this and has made several comments about it to me in private.

The other day, we had a family gathering and my twin blew up at me in front of everyone. He accused me of rubbing my body in his face and being insensitive to his struggles with weight. I was taken aback and tried to explain that I wasn't trying to hurt him, but he just kept getting more and more upset.

Finally, I snapped and told him that he should stop eating so much and stop being lazy if he wants to have a better body like mine.

Ouch.

Now, I feel terrible about what I said. I know my twin has a lot of issues with his weight and it wasn't fair of me to say those things.

But at the same time, I feel like he's being unreasonable in his jealousy and I don't know how to handle the situation. He keeps complaining about his weight so when I snapped I felt like I needed to tell him the truth straight up so he could stop projecting his insecurities onto me.

However, my (58F) mother is very upset at me, and cried after the family gathering to tell me how horrible I was for shaming my brother publicly.

I'm guessing she didn't say that to other twin?

My family is also blowing up my phone with messages saying I should apologise to my brother, because he keeps telling everyone how upset he is. So, am I the a-hole for what I said?

What do you think? Was OP totally out of line when his brother was clearly already hurt and ashamed? Or does his brother need to learn a lesson about verbally attacking people in public?

Reddit went mostly with NTA (not the a-hole), but there were some ESH (everyone sucks here) rulings, too.

Danternas comments:

NTA. 'Don't dish it if you can't take it.' He shouldn't blow up at you with the assumption that you won't snap back at him. You have no obligation to be sensitive towards some who lash at you out of jealousy.

While non-identical twins are genetically just siblings, and therefore can have very diverse traits, it is in case of obesity pretty much entirely down to lifestyle. I'm sorry you all who blame genetics, there is no magical metabolism that makes you 150kg and your sister 50kg. Metabolism is a minor factor in the equation.

Obviously your brother doesn't feel right about his weight, and on any other case being mean to him would be unacceptable. But he went for you and you clawed back. That's on him.

arsenal_kate responds:

'You have no obligation to be sensitive.' Maybe not, but Reddit’s obsession with “you don’t owe anyone anything, everyone deserves every bit of cruelty you can dish when they were irrational/mean first” is just exhausting.

Obviously OP’s twin was not justified in blowing up when he did, but it speaks well of OP that he feels guilty for being cruel to someone who is clearly going through some shit, even if he “deserved it.” ESH, there should be apologies on both sides.

YouSayWotNow says:

NTA. Your brother is expecting you to hide yourself and restrict your behaviour in order to cater for his insecurities. That makes him the AH. I sympathise with his situation and feelings but what he's asking is wholly unreasonable. For that, he's the AH.

And you didn't snap at him until he pushed and pushed. What you said was hurtful, of course, but I can't call you the AH for lashing out in reaction to his behaviour. That it was in a public setting is because that's where he started on you.

I understand your parents are upset for his hurt, but going along with his attempts to shame you for your body, and choosing to share some images you are proud of, is not the way to help your twin. They need to find a way to help him that isn't at your expense.

That said, you can apologise for saying something that hurt him whilst also pointing out that he had hurt you himself first.

KMN208 suggests:

He should see a doctor and a nutrionist. Not because being fat is inherently bad, but because it could be a symptom for something else. If there is nothing wrong with him physically, therapy might help to either find an alternative to food as coping strategy, accept his body or both.

ESH. Both of you were unkind and lashed out, others already explained it. Apologize for hurting him. Ask him to stop commenting on your body and you will not comment his again.

OP later adds:

I feel so bad for saying that, but I just didn't think before I opened my mouth. It was like a knee jerk reaction out of anger to hurt him because I felt so fed up, and it was sort of a release for all my pent up frustration.

I think I wasn't understanding how tough it can be mentally to lose weight. I think I might give him some space but apologise, and later on offer to help him with healthy eating and finding some sort of physical activity that he enjoys.

Seems like this family is headed towards a truce.

Wow, sometimes humans (and even Reddit??) are capable of nuance and self-reflection! Who knew?