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'AITA for not giving my baby daddy's pregnant GF his info after she said she'll ruin my family?'

'AITA for not giving my baby daddy's pregnant GF his info after she said she'll ruin my family?'


There's nothing like an unconventional family structure to rattle bystanders and extended family members.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for not giving her baby daddy's GF his info on a skiing trip. She wrote:

"AITA for not giving my possibly pregnant baby daddy's GF his contact after she threatened to break apart my family?"

Current living situation: I (39f) live in a house with "Tom" (40m), Ben (43m) and our 5 children 12m, 11m (bio Tom and mine), 10f, 8f (bio Ben's and his late wife "Anna"), 7f (bio Ben and mine. Ben and I work. Tom's been a sahd since 11m was 2. He went back to school 4 years ago.

Ben and I cover all household expenses including any costs for Tom's education. Background: Tom and I met at a party when we were 19. We've been friends ever since. With benefits at times we were both single. While on a holiday together a condom broke on us. Due to location emergency contraception wasn't available and when I turned out to be pregnant we chose to keep that kid and moved in together.

We were never a couple but worked great as a family so we decided to have a second kid. Anna was my childhood best friend. She and Ben moved into the flat downstairs from ours when she was pregnant with 10f. I loved having her close again after living in different cities for years.

Sadly she passed away after a very complicated second labour. Ben and I found solace in each other and I ended up pregnant. I didn't notice right away as my method of contraception should have been safe and I also blamed a lot of the symptoms on grief and guilt so when I found out there wasn't really an alternative anymore.

Tom was the first one I told. He said he'd welcome another child into our family. Ben was shocked and really struggled to accept it but we kept in good contact through all of it. We all started having dinner most nights after 7f was born (10f and 8f would already spend the day as Tom was their "nanny"). Couple of years later my grandma moved into a retirement home and Tom and I decided to move to her house.

Ben asked if he could move in with us and we agreed. It's maybe unusual but works for us. Where I might be the AH: Tom been with "Bea" for the last 3 years. There was some talk about him asking her to move in about a year ago but he never did. Bea and I get along. Not best friends but I like spending time with her. Well...liked. She showed up unannounced 3 days ago and demanded to see Tom.

He's currently on a skiing trip with Ben and the boys. I reminded her of that and then said I will tell him to contact her if there's an emergency. She then proceeds to tell me that she is pregnant with Tom's child (highly unlikely) and that she already talked to his parents and they will buy them a house next to theirs so that they can live there as a family. And that they will be taking the boys with them.

That's when I told her to leave which after some yelling and insults she did. I've since been called multiple times by her, her best friend and Tom's parents to try and get his contact but I'm still refusing to give it away. They've been calling me an AH among other names for not letting him know that 1) Bea is pregnant. 2) he doesn't need to be abused and exploited anymore.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

cluelessnreddit wrote:

For this long a post there’s a lot of information missing. While you explain the living situation that does not explains the relationship situation. You also fail to mention why his parents would not be on your side and why they think he is being abused. I can speculate but it doesn’t paint a pretty picture and we all know what happens when we assume. Could you explain the relationships and Tom's parent’s position?

OP responded:

Sorry, word count made it impossible to include more info. The kids consider all of us their parents. They call me mom, Tom and Ben are dad t and dad b. Tom and I kept the relationship we always had. Currently without benefits as he's with Bea. Ben and I never dated. We found comfort in each other after Anna passed but it was more a mutual feeling of wanting to feel close to her.

That stopped as soon as we knew I was pregnant. We are friends now and have been for years. He's been dating someone seriously for the last 4 years that he met through grief counseling. She's great! Tom and Ben were friends the moment they met, Tom's parents NEVER liked me.

Mind you, the first time I met them I was helping Tom study for his finals. His study buddy turned GF 6 months beforehand and then left him 4 weeks before the final. He was a mess and had never not studied for any exam without her. I was meant to go to Colombia for an internship and wanted to go there early to travel around.

I canceled that to go to Tom's place every day instead and go through flip cards I knew nothing about for 4 weeks straight. His parents came for a surprise visit and weren't happy to meet me as I was there to "distract" him. They later on never approved of our family. Stating multiple times how it is wrong for Tom to be with someone who doesn't want to marry him.

It only got worse when I got pregnant with Ben's child and we later all moved in together. They have offered multiple times before to free Tom from us and have him and the boys move closer so that he doesn't get ab*sed for free child care for kids that aren't his. They had been less vocal about it the last couple of years though.

Edit to add: Tom had a vasectomy after 11m. And when I was pregnant again he had a sperm count done to make sure it worked. Bea knows that so I'm not sure why she thinks she could be pregnant by him.

Independent-Field618 wrote:

If he wanted them to be able to contact him, he would have left a way for them to contact him. You offered to pass a message along. NTA.

Advanced_Passage_492 wrote:

NTA OP! If Ben wanted to, he would have given her contact details. It is a bit hinky that she first went to his parents and then to you with this 'pregnancy' news! He can't have been gone for so long that she could not have waited to tell him first! It sounds like she has a problem with your living and co-parenting arrangements.

Personally, I don't understand the people critical of it. It takes a village to raise a child, and this is your tribe.

QumDumpsta wrote:

Tom’s about to have his life completely shatter, so no, I don’t think you’re the a-hole for giving the man another day of peace. That being said, are “the boys” she was talking about yours and Tom’s kids?? Cause hell to the no.

After receiving a lot of comments, OP jumped on with an update:

EDIT to add:

  1. Tom's had a vasectomy after 11m.

  2. He's very low contact with his parents as they disapprove of me and our overall living arrangements.

This is truly a complicated situation in all of the ways possible.

Sources: Reddit
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