'AITA for not taking my ex's kids on vacation? I'm done.' UPDATED
"AITAH for not wanting to take my ex-husband's kids on vacation?"
u/Specific-Papaya3577
I (39F) have been divorced from my ex-husband (41M) for 9 years. We have 2 kids (12m, 9F). My husband got married to his new wife and they have 3 kids in total (9m, 5m, 5f). They are expecting a fourth one. Me and my ex share custody of our kids.
But within these 9 years there has been a drastic change in our economic status. I got promotions and now earn near 6 figures. But my ex lost his job that caused his income to change and become low. His recent job pays slightly less than his previous one.
Here is the issue, since I can afford to buy a lot of things for my own kids, my ex and his wife doesn't like it. They say it is unfair to their own kids because they cannot afford to buy new things like I do. And all the children should have the same stuff.
Last year I bought my son a laptop because he got the highest score in his exams. My ex didn't like it and told me that I am spoiling my kids and making them into entitled brats. The issue arrived because his oldest with his wife 9m also wanted a laptop too.
And for my ex their money is tight, he is the sole provider in their house and his wife is mostly a homemaker but works part time sometimes. However, it's not like I do this to show off. I do tell my kids to be humble about the things they got and not brag about them. I do buy gifts for my ex's kids on their birthdays and Christmas.
In August, me and my entire family planned to go to Italy, it is supposed to be a family vacation. I will be taking my kids with me. They are excited too. My ex had no problem until he called me and asked if I could take his kids with me too.
I was kind of shocked. He explained that they cannot afford to travel and his other kids were insisting that they go to holiday with us as well. They are sort of jealous of my kids for going abroad on a holiday. I straight up told him no. I won't be taking responsibility for someone else's kids.
Though I make a lot more money than he does I cannot afford the accommodation for 6 people. I told him his kids are none of my concern. After he hung up, I get messages from his wife calling me a cruel b!(*h for ruining her kid's happiness and said, 'I hope you are happy making small children cry. God will be punishing a greedy witch like you.'
My dad thinks I did the right thing. But my mom thinks I went too far and told me to not take my kids so that their half siblings don't hate them, my brother suggested that I pay half the price and let my ex pay the other half (which I know he will never do).
I rejected both the ideas. There is no way I would leave my kids for days to go on a holiday in another country. Was I really cruel? I know it is not the kids' fault, I understand their urge to go on holiday. But asking me to pay for additional 3 kids is too much.
Edit: Since people are asking, he did cheat on me when I was pregnant with my daughter. His new wife is indeed his mistress. I didn't mention it because I didn't think it was relevant to the story here.
Here were some top reactions on the original post:
Responsible_Lawyer78
NTA. Your ex is delusional. It's not your responsibility to treat his kids with his current wife to a vacation. Sometimes life isn't fair.
OP responded:
I know that. But I don't want my kids and his other kids to have resentment towards each other.
Remote-Drummer-4923
Let's be honest, if roles were reversed and stepmommy was making the good dough, she wouldn't give a s--- about your kids. Their kids are not your responsibility.
1indaT
NTA. I am astounded that they even requested this. I would have never let my young children travel to another country without me! Besides the money issue, there are safety concerns. What if one of them gets sick, lost, or injured? This is a recipe for disaster. Stick to your guns!
ILikeYourMomAndSis
I am sensing something here. Your youngest was born when you got divorced. And your husband and his new wife's oldest kid is also 9 just like your daughter who is 9. If my math is correct, your husband must have cheated on you when you were pregnant with your daughter and got his new wife preggo at the same time. Am I right?
OP responded:
Ok you are right. He did cheat on me with his new wife. He thought getting one woman pregnant wasn't enough so he made 2 women pregnant at the same time. I didn't mention it because it was not relevant to the story.
Nodramallama18
Oh but it is. This woman and your ex, after fucking each other behind your back are name calling you, berating you and demanding that you financially care for his affair baby and other kids. This is not OK. They are horrible people. I know it was 9 years ago, but that is not right.
With the Reddit jury fully on her side, OP returned a week later with an update.
'(Update) - AITAH for not wanting to take my ex-husband's kids on vacation?'
I have no idea why reddit removed my last post. I even messaged the admins about it. I don't know why people will report it as spam. I also don't know if they will show my update or not. But I will post it on my personal account anyways.
So, yesterday, I went to my ex's house for picking up my kids. As I was there, his kids ran up to me and said that they are very excited to go to Italy with me. I am confused. I never mentioned the trip to them nor did I tell my kids I will taking their half siblings with me.
I called my ex and his wife and asked them to explain this. His wife was avoiding eye contact. I demanded an answer from her. She said that she cannot break their kid's heart by telling them the truth.
I swear to god, I was furious. I had enough of this entitled attitude. I yelled at her and told her she must have had screws loose inside her head if she thinks she can walk all over me. How dare she use her kids as weapon. If she wants break from baby sitting her own kids she should send them to her mom's house. I will not be a free baby sitter for her kids.
She did try to retaliate but I was talking all over her. I cannot believe this woman would stoop so low. I screams profanities at her. I was already having a bad day yesterday and her entitled karen behavior was the straw that broke camel's back.
I told my ex to fix the mess his wife made otherwise I will take him to court. He tried to justify her intentions — I told him that I will stop sending gifts to his children if he doesn't fix this. I had been nothing but polite to his wife knowing that she was the homewrecker that broke my home.
But enough is enough. I am done being nice to them. His 3 kids are not coming with me that is final. I even explained this to my kids who were a little sad but understood.
Later that day at night my ex called and apologized. He was humiliated by his mother for this. He is a grown man asking his ex-wife to provide for things he should be providing for his kids. He also had a fight with his wife because he didn't know his wife lied to his kids.
He said he only had good intentions because he wanted all his kids to enjoy equal privileges. I said the same thing one reddit commented that ours kids are not equal.
It is unfair of him to push this equal privilege thing when our kids don't have the privilege of coming from a complete family because their father was a nasty cheater. At least his other kids gets a full time dad and a full house. They don't have to shift houses every week.
They don't have to go to therapy to understand why their lives are different. And all of this happened because he can't even be strong enough to keep his marital vows. He failed as a father to them and he failed as a husband to me.
And not only that he had the audacity to blame me for the divorce. I told him if the roles were reversed and it was me who cheated and got pregnant with another man's baby would he accept me and the baby in his life? I still yet to get the answer. He just said he was sorry and hung up.
Sorry for venting, I have been having a really stressful day. I have yet to talk to my mom and brother about this issue. I can't wait to go to italy to drown myself in wine and stuff myself with real italian pasta and pizza. I may or may not update. Edit: I think reddit hates me lol. I have no idea why it was flaired as fake.
Here's how Reddit took the final update:
Anonymousonlooker123
Good for you for standing your ground. The new wife has a lot of nerve to try guilt-tripping you into providing for her kids. Then again, a lack of moral compass is how she got herself into the situation in the first place.
OP
I think so too. I never yell at people. I didn't even yell at my ex when I discovered he was cheating. I guess it takes one bad day haha
CJCreggsGoldfish
I am SO GLAD you unloaded all that on him, he deserves it. You are doing so well, honey, and deserve all the wine and pasta and pizza you can hold.
Lemonlimecat
What a ridiculous demand from the ex wife. Also anyone traveling with kids that they are not related to may have issues with international travel — like needed notarized permissions. NTA
Crackpacksmacklack
NTA. She has a lot of nerve to think she's entitled to send her circus of affair children with you to Italy. Give your kids the best trip they could ever want and don't be nice to her anymore unless it calls for it at times, she doesn't deserve the heat off your hand.
Radiant-Idea-2261
What you said to your ex and his mistress was lonnnng overdue!!! You have the patience of a saint and gave him and his mistress far more than they deserve. Well done you for standing your ground and putting this man in his place.
Piece of advice - do not interact with the mistress going forward. All communication is through the ex. He also needs to explain to his kids (with mistress) that you are not related to them and have no responsibility towards them. This is not some happy blended family. Ex is a stinking cheat who set up a new life at your expense.
anonny42357
Hell no NTA. Your ex is an idiot, his he is a parasite, and he is weaponizing the kids. What a dirtbag.
hdmx539
*standing ovation* GREAT job, OP! I still think you shouldn't give his kids presents, but, you're a kinder person than I am. Be well and I hope you and your kids have fun in Italy. Bon Voyage!