'AITA for telling my sister she's better off being infertile?'
As the saying goes, the road to sticking a big stinky foot in your mouth is paved with good intentions. That's the saying, right? Over on Reddit, a sibling wonders if they may be in the wrong for the way they tried to cheer their sister up.
'AITA for telling my sister she's better off being infertile?'
Despite trying to conceive for years and having no success with her husband every month, my sister (31F) felt like a supreme disappointment. Her head knew she was not at fault, but she was saying that not being able to give her husband 'the gift of children,' which is seen to most people as a wifely duty made her feel broken and not whole.
Finally she consulted her doctor, only to be diagnosed with endometriosis. A simple surgery, which was scheduled for last week, was supposed to correct the problem. She was ecstatic.
Only to come out of anesthesia and be told by the doctor that he is sorry but children would not be an option.
As you can imagine, she felt devastated by the news. Yesterday I went to visit her to try to lift her spirits. I told her how incredibly sorry I was. But then I also added that being infertile may not be all that bad.
Raising kids isn't all sunshine and roses. There is the added stress, expenses, sleep deprivation and time commitment. I told her to look at all the unhappy couples with kids, and that at least she and her husband would enjoy some extra freedom.
After these comments, my sister's sadness turned into anger. She started shouting at me and told me to leave her house. She had also informed our mother because she called me later to tell me that my comments were disgusting and I should feel ashamed of myself.
I feel like me trying to help my sister only made the situation worse.
You got that right, said the comments.
Basic_Bichette wrote:
YTA. Don't ever again in your entire life invalidate someone's grief and anguish by pointing out some lying fake 'bright side' so you don't have to feel uncomfortable about their feelings.
Would you say 'losing your husband to cancer isn't that bad; you can find someone else to fuck!' to a widow?
Would you say 'is it really that big a deal having both your legs cut off? Now you don't have to buy shoes!' to an amputee?
Would you say 'hey, being in agonizing pain 24/7/365 isn't terrible; now you get to take opiates!!!' to someone in chronic pain?
No, you would not. You ground dirt into her wound and made things that much worse for her. You weren't trying to help her; you were trying to stop her from making you feel bad. You did very wrong, and you must apologize.
Oh, and stop it with this 'look at the bright side' crap. If someone is grieving VALIDATE their grief; don't make up crap to explain to the stupid dummy that they shouldn’t be grieving.
Edit to add: the point is, there is nothing you can ever do or say to make a grieving person feel better. Words don't help. You can however make them feel much worse by invalidating their grief by pretending it isn't that big of a deal, they're over-reacting, there's a 'bright side', etc.
Dreamygoddess7 wrote:
YTA - unsure why you are even questioning it.. what a horrible thing to say to anyone, let alone your own sister.
Bolonkaswetna wrote:
YTA. Imagine one morning you are blind. You are devastated, and your sister comes to comfort you:
'Cheer up, Op. Maybe it is not so bad. Not everything in the world is pretty, and at least you do not have to see the misery. '
Would that cheer you up??
Thingstwo wrote:
YTA. While those things maybe true, the time to say them was not while she was in the early stages of grief. She just found out something she really wanted was never going to be possible for her. This is the time to be supportive of her loss.
DraftAccomplished469 wrote:
YTA jeez dude. I’m sure ur sister brought into consideration pros and cons of having children before trying for one. I’d give her space and eventually apologize.
ADawg28 wrote:
Ummm did you read a special textbook on what NOT to say to someone mourning the loss your sister is facing? Because that’s bad. Those are all the wrong things to say. YTA.