'Bitter' GF 'loses it' when BF's parents spend more money on grandkids than her kid.

Blended families are a beautiful thing, but the process of blending isn't always pretty, and certainly not easy.

For one mother, it was heart wrenching to watch her child being excluded, so she took actions to right the wrong. The problem? There may have been no wrong-doing in the first place. Here's the story, decide for yourself who the A-hole is:

"AITA (Am I the A-hole) for expecting my boyfriends parents to treat my daughter the same as his daughters?"

bfdaughterdrama writes:

I (37F) have been dating Martin (39) for what will be 2 years this June. I have a daughter, Scarlett (10) and he has 2 daughters: Miley (13) and Joanna (12). I am a single mother to Scarlett. Her father sends me maintenance each month but has never been an active parent and has never met Scarlett.

I also grew up in care so I have no family or anything. Whereas Martin is divorced and shares custody with his ex-wife. Their custody agreement is very flexible with the girls sometimes staying with him or their mum longer or often spending times with both parents together.

It really bothered me a lot that he was still good friends with his ex-wife and Martin said if I couldn’t handle the fact he could coparent well and be amicable with his ex then he would end things. I like to think I got over my jealousy and that the girls' mother and I get on.

Anyway, since we’ve been dating a while and have started discussing potentially living together, I think it’s only really fair that Scarlett is more involved and treated the same as Martin’s daughters by his parents. She met them for the first time a few months ago and has since seen them a few times since, but she’s treated virtually like a stranger.

Well, they have only met several times...

At Christmas, Miley and Joanna were spoilt rotten. They got money, gifts, toys, gift vouchers and makeup. All they got Scarlett was an embroidered blanket thing Martin’s mother spent weeks knitting apparently with her name on it, two gift vouchers and a doll.

Is... that a bad thing?

They’ll take Martin’s girls for overnight sleepovers but my kid is excluded. They say because they don’t know her that well and are uncomfortable looking after her for now. They’ll buy Joanna and Miley sweets or little trinkets and give them a couple of pounds here and there every so often but as for Scarlett, they might only give her one thing and that’s it. It’s not fair for Scarlett.

The last straw was when his parents asked if we would all like to go to Disneyland, Paris in Easter with them. They offered to pay for Martin, the girls and said that they could pay for part of mine and Scarlett’s travel expenses, but that I’d have to pay the rest.

I lost it and told Martin he needs to tell his parents to treat Scarlett like his girls are treated. It’s not fair to her that she has to watch her sisters being spoilt and she isn’t.

He lashed out in return and said my parents have been nothing but accommodating to Scarlett by including her in things and getting her stuff at Christmas and so on.

He said I’m incredibly selfish to expect his parents to treat my daughter who they barley know as the same as their grandchildren. He said that I’m bitter and jealous and it’s not like we’re married or living together.

Harsh! But... there is a huge difference between 'talking about potentially living together' and actually living together.

He used the example of the blanket being a really sweet gift that shows how much his mother cares. He also said it’s perfectly reasonable for his parents to expect me to pay for my own child to go to Disney and that my parents don’t need to pay anything at all for us.

He also said I’m raising my daughter to not learn the value of the word no and that she can just be expected to get whatever he wants.

He also said that Joanna and Miley are not Scarlett’s sisters, it’s never been emphasised they were and they do not view Scarlett as that. He said that I need to ‘get your ar%e in gear and realise nothing is being done to discriminate against or exclude Scarlett.’ AITA?

Wait wait! Later, she added:

ETA: I view Joanna and Miley as bonus daughters, hence why Scarlett calls them her sisters. Joanna and Miley do not view me as a mother figure in anyway, only as ‘dad’s girlfriend.’ It really hurts but I don’t think I'm pushy or anything.

I just think of us as a blended family unit whereas Joanna and Miley have said im just the woman their dad is dating and Scarlett is nothing to them family-wise. I have tried to get them to involve her whenever they’re doing stuff and they outright refuse so they only as they put it ‘tolerate her.’

Martin has chewed me out about this before, claiming I’m trying to insert my daughter in the friendship groups and activities of his daughters and it greatly upsets Scarlett because she just wants to be included. She doesn’t have a lot of friends and I want Joanna and Miley to be her friends.

I have no family and Scarlett’s fathers family aren’t involved. I’ve always tried my best to spoil her myself but it seems only fair since we’re part of Martin’s family now that she’s treated the same as Joanna and Miley.

What do you think? Does OP 'wanting' the perfect family entitle her to it? And is a 'fair' family something you can demand?

Here's what Reddit had to say! Everyone pretty much went with YTA (you're the a-hole), but with varying degrees of malice.

From KrombopulosJeff:

YTA, They have only known Scarlett for a few months. Of course they are going to treat her differently. You can't just demand that they feel a certain way. Besides that, they sound like they are treating your daughter pretty well with the gifts and offering to pay for a portion of your vacation. You sound very entitled and will likely pass that behaviour on to your daughter if you aren't careful.

embopbopbopdoowop lays it out:

“All they got Scarlett was an embroidered blanket thing Martin’s mother spent weeks knitting apparently … “ That sounds incredibly personal and special. Am I missing something here?

“It’s not fair to her that she has to watch her sisters being spoilt and she isn’t.” a) They’re not her sisters b) she is being given gifts and opportunities for holidays, which is incredibly generous as she’s their son’s girlfriend’s daughter who they just met, not their grandchild and c) if you framed this accurately, she wouldn’t be thinking this way. She is mirroring your thoughts.

You’re trying to force this family and force acceptance. It’s the surest way to build resentment. Listen to Martin. He’s spot on.

CPolland12 points out:

Also HUGE red flag that she has a problem with boyfriend and ex wife having a great coparenting relationship. OP, YTA for trying to force something that isn’t there, yet, if ever will be there. Also, while a two and three year age difference isn’t a big number, it is developmentally at the girls’ ages. Pre-teen/teens do not want to hang out with a 10yr old.

But SincerelyCynical has more sympathy:

To be fair, OP has never experienced a real family of her own. OP, it genuinely sounds like you don’t know what it’s like to be in a family that is more than just you and your daughter. Now you’re dating someone who has a wonderful family life of his own, and you want that so badly that you’re not taking the proper steps to get there.

You and your boyfriend don’t even live together, and you aren’t married. You’re trying to insert yourself and your daughter as though you’re all family, but you aren’t yet. I absolutely understand wanting that family life for yourself and your daughter, but this is not the way to get it. It’s too soon.

His parents are being generous toward your daughter while still respecting the fact that she isn’t actually their granddaughter. She isn’t even a step-granddaughter yet. Imagine how your daughter will feel if they jumped in and treated her as they treat their granddaughters and then you and Martin broke up. The loss for your daughter would be devastating.

Your boyfriend has a wonderful family, and you owe him an apology. You need to explain to him that you simply haven’t ever had that experience, and you realize now that you have been unfair and overzealous in your desire to be a part of what he has. Then back off.

I won’t call anyone an A-hole because I don’t think it’s your fault that you don’t know how to properly make a family, but you need to change your approach in a big way before this family becomes part of your past.

And skillent agrees:

This person is right, OP. You might not be used to how families work. The blanket gift was very kind and thoughtful. It seems like they are open and inviting to you, and over time as and if your relationship with your bf develops and you move together and get to know his family, I’m sure you’ll be included more and more.

About the Disney land thing, it honestly sounds like a good deal for you. I was afraid you were going to write you weren’t even invited, but you were. And it’s very expensive and not reasonable to expect for you and your daughter to be completely paid for by these people who’ve only known you for a short time.

I think you’d all benefit if you took a sort of mental step back to being a girlfriend. Your heart is probably in the right place. I’m going to assume that you’re not actually greedy or whatever, but that you were just hurt that you weren’t included in the same way as the others. Take it more slowly, and lower your expectations - a lot.

No_Independence9170 has hope for OP:

I would add that you need to prepare Scarlett for this - becoming part of your boyfriends extended family will be a process and could take a while. The grandparents also said it out loud - 'they dont know her that well, and arent comfortable looking after her FOR NOW' the door is open.. stop kicking it and let it develop naturally.

Adding this edit - reminder that your POTENTIAL FIL and MIL have known your BF kids since birth. And your BF has maintained a working relationship with his ex and have put the kids first - THIS IS A BIG BIG PLUS - it tells you the kind of man your BF is.

And kellyklyra speaks from experience:

Foster parent perspective here!! There is potentially another layer to this story. As a child in care, OP has experienced being folded into a family instantaneously. When a child moves into a foster home, the family are expected to treat the children as equals. Equal gifts, quality time and opportunities with all the children in the home, biological or foster children alike.

OP may not realize that this isn't how it works in other families. In dating relationships, grandparents are not expected to instantaneously accept new grandchildren. It takes time to build those relationships. It does sound like they are trying to include your daughter.

But you can't expect them to make this leap instantaneously. You are new to their family and so is your daughter. Take it slow and don't push them away. They are not paid support in your daughter's life, they are choosing to be there, so everything they do is voluntary. Let their love grow slowly.

But AppleCinnamonMilkTea isn't having it:

I want to add it doesn't sound like she's dating Martin for the right reasons. She's looking for someone to fill in the Dad role and pay for everything, in her head they're already a blended family without the approval of the people involved. This all sounds one sided 'me me me' and now she's here wondering why she's TA.

What has she done for Martin's family? All I hear is that her daughter doesn't have the same things - it's not their job to take care of her daughter, it's her's. They don't owe her anything and yet she thinks she's entitled to their money. And instead of working to improve her daughter's life, she's money grubbing on a man hoping she can snag him as future Daddy ATM instead.

You're not a part of his family until they accept you and you can't force that. Until then, you're just the girlfriend. YTA.