There's a big difference between how you're "supposed to feel" and how you really feel. You're not supposed to feel negatively toward a dead person, but that doesn't stop people from having their complicated feelings.
In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for resenting her dead sister. She wrote:
For context I 38 female got engaged to my now husband last June. My mother has never supported me and was indifferent to the proposal which I had no problem with. At my wedding, my husband's parents made a beautiful speech that brought me and my husband to tears.
When my father and mother got onto the platform my heart sunk as I had the understanding this speech would have nothing to do with me or my relationship. My mother and my older sister had been in a car accident when I was 12 and my sister had not made it.
It was heartbreaking my mother, my father and I had grieved ever since that day and I will never forget my beautiful sister Adelaide and her beautiful smile. My mother had it the worst of us and separated herself from me and my father ever since and our relationship has been in shambles.
She constantly makes every day even MY birthday about Adelaide which always annoyed me slightly but I always rubbed it off as I wanted to be a good daughter. But my wedding day was the last straw.
When she got to the top of the platform she proceeded to take the mic from my dad and make a speech about how her one wish in life was to see Adelaide get married and live a beautiful life she went on about her grieving process and healing journey at a yoga retreat not once mentioning my name or my finances.
She spoke for about 5 minutes and then in tears ended the speech with "now my Sarah gets to live the life Adelaide deserved but was taken away from to soon." I was absolutely furious but I did not want to ruin the day or let her get the best of me so I didn't make a scene but I did not clap either and nor did my fiance.
After the wedding I did not approach her or even speak to her for weeks I figured she understood why but yesterday evening she came to me and my fiances apartment demanding answers I laughed in her face and told her she should know that speech was not acceptable at my wedding and I wish for her to apologize she refused so I just shut the door.
My phone is blowing up with calls from both sides of my family. My fiances family completely supports me but most of my family is in their words disgusted by my actions am I the AH.
NTA. It has been 26 years since the accident, but clearly, your mother has not processed her grief properly. But as her daughter, who was actually involved in the accident too, it is not your job to make her heal or make her feel better. Your family who is taking her side in this is not helping at all.
Maybe it’s time to take a step away from them (LC or NC), so that you can focus on yourself and your marriage first without having to constantly apologize for living your life. Despite what your mother thinks, YOU deserve your life. And congratulations on your marriage. Seems like your in-laws have your back, which is a very good thing.
"Congratulations mom, thanks to your behaviour both of your daughters are dead to you now not that you ever seemed to notice the one that was alive anyway. Don't ever contact me again."
NTA. Your mother can mourn the Adelaide she never got to see grow up, but she doesn't have the right to imply you have usurped the life she might have had. Therapy is long past due for her and perhaps you for the obvious abandonment wounds. Perhaps it's better to be NC & enjoy your new marriage and family. Congratulations on your marriage.
NTA please, for your sake, go no contact with that monster. She’s not your mother. She’s Adeline’s mother. Do not bring your children, if you have any, around her. You need a fresh start without her in your life.
NTA. She chose to make a speech about her trauma and about her dead daughter rather than a speech celebrating your wedding. What did she expect? I mean, who does that? Who says that Sarah gets to live the life her sister deserved? As if you don’t deserve to have a decent life? Wow. Just wow. I'm so sorry your mother is so broken.
Clearly, OP is NTA, her mother is acting like a horrible person.