Woman shares story of cheating son ruining his life with bad choices.
'Where did I go wrong?'
I (56F) have a son Bob (30M). Along with him I have a daughter (27F). My husband died when my daughter was only 5 years old. The death of their father came as a shock to Bob. I tried my best to comfort him. I took him to therapist and trauma experts. They all said he is a good boy and very well behaved.
The only father figure Bob had was his uncle, my brother. He was a nice man as well. A man with discipline. Ever since my kids were little I tried my best to be a good parent. I stopped dating for a long time so that I can focus on my kids.
I gave them important lessons in life. I even told them about their dad. My late husband was a man of dignity and morals. He is the type of person who wouldn't sacrifice his morals to please people around him. I always tried to be both parents. But I guess I wasn't enough.
My son started dating my DIL Ruth (28F) when he was 20. They met at a restaurant where Ruth was a part time worker. I liked Ruth. She was well mannered and had a good heart. I told my son he picked the right woman for him. Bob was head over heels for her. They got married two years after dating.
Ruth finished her degree early and got a job as a teacher at the age of 22. I noticed that my son didn't like it. He would complain about Ruth's 'odd hours'. Which I think was irrational because she was a kindergarten teacher. I explained this to my son that Ruth has her own life. A life outside his own. I told him if he had concerns about her time he should take it up to her. He said he understood.
Things were really calm for a year. A year later they started having another fight. Ruth said that she wanted to pursue her masters. She is still young and wanted to do something meaningful with her degree. Honestly, I was in support. Ruth was a prodigy. But my son objected.
He thought that it was a bad idea and that it would cause trouble. Now, I don't like to mix in their lives. I tried to stay away from their conflict that is until one day Ruth came to me and said Bob threatened to leave her if she ever tried to pursue a masters degree. I did give my son an earful.
And honestly I took it as an offense because I worked jobs to support my family. I worked hard and now I have my own business. It is just so disappointing to me that my son had such backward thinking.
Few weeks later, Ruth came to me and said she was pregnant. She forgot all about her masters. I tried to be there for her as much as possible. Later Ruth discovered my son was cheating on her with a mutual friend of theirs. Ruth was devastated. I called a family meeting. There Ruth was crying and told Bob how could he do this to her? Bob said things like Ruth doesn't love him.
She doesn't make him feel special. Her friend always fulfills his needs and understands him better. He realized he was wasting his 20s by playing family with a woman who always fights him. I asked what were the fights. And what did Ruth do to make him so angry. He said 'Her whole existence just bothers me.
She cares more about her higher education than me. If she was a good wife she would be a housewife rather than going out.' I reminded him that I also had higher education. He said that's different. They argued a lot. My son just called her a 'wh0re' and a 'b#tch' the whole time.
Moreover, he is an absent father to his own daughter. He pays child support but barely makes time for his daughter. He went low contact when I stood my ground and told him I will not support his infidelity at any cost. I met his mistress because he insisted I gave her a chance and told me that after meeting her I would change my mind about Ruth. But he was wrong.
His mistress was not a nice person. My gut was telling me she was not a good hearted either. She made an odd comment that she was saving my son from a potential bad marriage and I should be happy for him. I told him I will not be at his wedding if me marries the woman who wrecked his home. I know my son is more to blame but she knew Ruth and Bob. She knew they were married.
Recently Ruth got married to John, my friend's son. Ruth asked me to walk her down the aisle. It reached my son's ears and he called me all sorts of vile names. He forbade me to go to her wedding and called me a hypocrite because I didn't come to his wedding but I was going to Ruth's. I just told him to calm down and talk to me when he is not acting like a baby.
I just feel like a failure. Like I failed my late husband too. My late husband would be disappointed in my son as well. I don't know where I went wrong. I tried my best to provide. Maybe not having a father made him like this. I sometimes now regret having him as my son. But I still love him. But I don't love the man he turned out to be. I guess being a single mom was a curse after all.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
MonkeyMoves101 writes:
Hi there, I'm around the same age as your daughter, and my mom is the around the same age as you. She also raised us as a single mom. One of the things that's important to learn is that there's only so much you can do. Your kids will make their own crazy decisions and sometimes it has nothing to do with what you did or didn't do.
Your son wanted Ruth to stay home barefoot and pregnant, because that's what he wanted. He was angry that she was getting an education and wanted to be outside the house. When she revealed herself to be an individual, he got angry and cussed her out because he wanted to. He cheated because he wanted to.
He's not a good father and that's all on him too. He's old enough to know what respect is and he disrespects everyone around him once they don't follow his rules, as his mistress will soon find out.
There's nothing you could've done, it wasn't anything you did, he is just choosing to be a man child. That's just the way some people are. Plenty of kids raised in good homes who turn out to be sh**ty, and the reverse is true as well.
ThrowRAdaughterIL OP responded:
Well Ruth did get her masters after her divorce. She is now in a better job position. She will be applying for PhD soon.
MonkeyMoves101 writes:
And that's why no one can blame you for going to Ruth's wedding, she's a smart young lady!
Advanced_Maize_4552 writes:
Sometimes the best thing you can do is parent the kids/adult kids who’ve been put in your life. Seems like Ruth thinks highly of you and vice versa, that is a special bond. Your son can f**k off with the mistress and you don’t have to care… he’s a dud.
Also you are supporting he next generation of kids now, your grandchild. Your son is grown and there isn’t anything you can even do at this stage. Sounds like your husband was a special man, he can live on in your memory. It’s not a given they’ll live on in the character of their offspring.