Sister wants to adopt brother after father's death, stepmom refuses. AITA?
Sometimes we are asked to question if our love for our family is in their best interest.
One Reddit user asks for help. Her mother died when she and her brother were very young. She took over a sort of parental role at that point. Her father remarried but she and her mother-in-law never truly got along. When her father passed, the OP wanted to adopt her brother. Their mother-in-law refuses to let her take away her son.
AITA for wanting custody of my brother after my father's death?
I (23F) lost my mom in an accident when my younger brother Jaime was just five months old. Since our father was always working, I took care of Jaime whenever I wasn't studying for months, and my aunt helped out when I wasn't available.
When Jaime was nine months old, our father brought his new girlfriend (now stepmother) to live with us just four months after our mother's death. I didn't get along with her because I suspected that she and our father had been having an affair while our mother was still alive. However, she became Jaime's primary caregiver and raised him like her own son.
After a troubled first year we managed to keep our balance by ignoring each other. We only fought when she wanted to legally adopt Jaime (She tried like 5 times), which my maternal grandparents and myself objected to. In the end, my father agreed to wait until Jaime was old enough to decide for himself.
I went to college in the same city as my maternal grandparents when I was 17, but I visited my brother every weekend that I could. Now, I live in the same city as my grandparents with my boyfriend, and we often play online games with Jaime.
Unfortunately, our father passed away from a sudden illness caused by an unknown heart disease three weeks ago. When I spoke to my stepmother about bringing Jaime to live with me, she didn't react well and said she wouldn't let me take her son.
However, I am now Jaime's legal guardian since our father has passed away, and I believe it's in his best interest to live with me in a bigger city with more opportunities and more contact with my maternal grandparents.
My stepmother has threatened to go to court to adopt my brother, but I plan to look for a lawyer as soon as possible. She also suggested that we let Jaime choose who he wants to live with, but I don't think it's fair to leave such a difficult decision up to a young child.
My paternal family and stepmother's family are calling me a monster and saying that I want to take a child away from his mother. They also say that I won't know how to discipline him.
However, I love Jaime just as much as my stepmother does, and I believe it's in his best interest to live with me. My maternal family and fiancé support me, but I'm wondering if AITA?
EDIT: The cities are 3 hours away, I proposed to take him home every other weekend and she can visit him whenever she wants.
EDIT 2: From previous experiences where she tried to stop my brother from spending time with my maternal grandparents I know she would do the same to me.
Here are the top comments from readers with their verdict:
NTA. Step parents usually never get custody of a child over a full blooded relative. But talk to your brother about what he wants.
YTA for not talking to your brother about whether or not he wants to upend his life and move somewhere else. Your brother has been at least partly raised by someone he considers his mom. He has a house, a room, and a life. He presumably has friends. He deserves some consideration.
It sounds like you've been at odds with your stepmom from the very beginning, but it doesn't sound like she's really done anything but marry your widowed father and help raise his motherless child.
Even if you don't have any feeling for a woman who just lost her husband and now may lose her son, certainly you could have some feeling for your brother about taking him away from his mom.
YTA. From your own words, stepmother has acted in a parental role for Jaime since he was 5 months old. She may not have adopted him legally, but she is his adopted mom regardless.
From what you've written, I think you may be letting your hurt over your losing your mom and your anger at the possible affair your dad had with stepmom overshadow what's best for your brother.
Of course your mom can't be erased, but stepmom has been acting as his stepmother for his whole life basically. And now you want to force him to be uprooted after he just lost his dad, and come live with you without even asking Jaime what he wants?
That's just cruel. You need to put what's best for your brother ahead of your own emotions regarding your stepmother.
YTA - you don’t live with Jaime, he just lost his father, how is uprooting him from his home and moving him to a place he doesn’t know going to be beneficial to him? You playing games with him, online, and visiting every now and then is not equivalent to a parent who is there every day.
YTA for wanting to drag a young child away from his friends, his home, and the only mother he's ever known.
YOUR bad relationship with your stepmom is coloring your view here, and you're projecting that, and trying to put him in the middle of a legal fight while he's grieving, instead of considering his ACTUAL best interests. Please stop. I feel for you, but please stop.